Excretia/Ejecta/Effluvia

Heavy.

2011-09-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

It's a strange place to be in; one's lover depressed when one, too, is depressed. Once tries to hide one's depression so as not to bring the other down, while the other tries to as well, but the one notices and feels it.

I ask her to talk to me, but she doesn't want to. I feel perhaps I should start talking, then. I am weary and worried and wishing I could make her smile. We are not responsible for each others happiness, but we sure help each other in that regard. So when I fail to make her even a little brighter, well, I feel pretty useless... especially in light of all else that goes on around me lately. I can't seem to make any progress in just about all my endeavors. Things feels so mired and now the one comforting thing about my life is in a difficult stage.

It's strange: I want to comfort her. I want to ravage her. I want to kiss her. I want to eat her out. I want to sing to her. I want to go inside her. I want to hold her close to my chest. I want to taste her swollen tongue.

I want to fill her with emotions and thus be filled myself. Are we drowning?

Feeble Beeble

2011-06-26T17:06:00.001-07:00

Feeling so tired. So weary. So open. So frail.

There is so little I can do right now, it seems. You are here, within reach, but I can't summon the magic to make you smile. I can't summon a single spark.

I am feeble yet honest. A bad combination, perhaps?

I have no way of knowing what I'm supposed to do right now. Let it slide? Let things be and just stand meekly in the corner while it all passes by?

I don't understand. I don't understand. I don't understand.

Somebody throw me a line? Throw me a bone? Anybody...?

Them's the breaks, people.

According

2011-04-08T23:41:00.001-07:00

To a certain web app, I write a little like one of the sci-fi masters...

I write like
Arthur Clarke

I Write Like by Mémoires, journal software. Analyze your writing!

Warts

2011-02-27T19:32:00.001-08:00

So here we are again; warts revealed, ugly bumps painfully visible under the accusing light of the sun. The last
time I was here, exposed, I was loathed for all that I was, all that I am. So the question is posed anew: Can I
be loved, warts and all? Can she love me knowing my faults?

It's selfish of me, perhaps, to be yearning to be loved. To be seen for my faults and still be found worthy of love.
To be seen as the frail human being I have always been and, somehow, still seem beautiful to her.

Will she see that I long to be able to overcome these faults in me? To assuage my character flaws and become a better man?
Will she see that she's a reason for me to be a better person?

I make oceans out of puddles, I know. But the little things are the ones that kill... and I am so little.

I am horrible, I know. I am ugly inside, I know. I am flaw upon flaw; layers of wrong. But am I still worthy of
of the privilege?

Can I fulfill her? Can I see her for who she truly is? Can I come to understand her? Am I simply too obtuse to do so?
Will the same revealing light that shines upon me be cast on her? Will I find her as beautiful as I have found her thus
far?

Madness, this intensity of emotion. This is madness. Irrational is what I have become. Where have I left my self-control?
Where are my measured movements and calculated actions? I am at a loss, for I know nothing of where these may
have eloped to, married and off on some journey wherefrom I will never see them returned...

Madness. Sweet, painful, joyful madness. Dark, warm, heartwrenching madness. She is my madness.

Mynos

2011-01-20T00:17:00.001-08:00

It's a strange feeling... after all this time... and yet not being so long...
from a logical standpoint.

I am at a loss for words to describe this elation... this sated feeling, this...
unbelievable feeling of well being.

Crash and burn... perhaps... but I am lost inside this labyrinth... I am lost and am quite glad.

Weep Not

2011-01-08T20:50:00.000-08:00

So the circus ensues.
The clown follows suit
In the rain, in the soot
Lo! The circus ensues.

In the mire of emotions
Swelling like the mighty oceans
Kept at bay by strengthened walls

My, the curtains fall heavy
And the lamp's light grows dim
While it witnesses their sin
How the curtains fall heavy

In my eyes, bearing witness
In the light of the cold stars
Faceless specters of the night
In the windy hush, there, listless
In the expanse of our personal wars

Call the hounds that bay
Let them slobber over my bones
That the crows may have no homes
Hear, the hounds that bay

In the desert of illusion
Not unlike that blood transfusion
Strip away the bloody walls

Yearn for the heart that has gone
Away with the hope of child-like wonder
In the dead of night, I ponder
And mourn for the heart that has gone.

Le Fou

2010-12-28T07:13:00.000-08:00

In looking for truth
We surround ourselves with lies
In searching for love
We sever all good ties
What little faith we have
Is often squandered on false idols
If heaven is a place
I have yet to find the isle

So many nights in vigil
So many days in siege
So many lives in sigil
The pawn of a cruel liege
The bird longs to touch ground
Much the same as we long to taste the sky
Yet for every answer found
We can only continue to ask why

I have often praised a warm body
And nurtured it with my tenderest caresses
Yet find my self so often cold
Seeking a goddess of silver-streaked tresses
In the darkness we spill our secrets
To gods unknown in despairing hope
Pleading for the dreams we hold dear
Parlaying for the strength to shed these tropes

Find me a fool once, you are entitled
Seek me a fool twice, you will be humbled

The Shade, The Denial.

2010-12-11T22:37:00.000-08:00

Stubborn is the child that cannot see its own fault.
One who denies and refutes what it so rightly knows
And in the end will simply say it no longer cares about the matter.

What hope there might be when recognition is reached
Is brought low by the inability to admit fault.

Hearts break and light fades.
That is what happens when you lay under shades.

Klutz.

2010-11-21T00:57:00.000-08:00

Every time I open up, they reach out and sting me.
Every time I welcome them in, they dig in and rip me.
Every single time I weep, they just spit and kick me.
Because I am weak? Because I need?

Perhaps I am ugly in truth.
Inside, the weeping child yields fumes.
And in the light he's pale and anemic...
In the light he sings the wrong tune.

And while he watches on they leave...
the women: sisters, daughters, lovers.
And while he watches on they shine
the darkness comes to take me over.

Rinse and repeat.
That is the cycle.
Every single time.
Love's brought nothing but pain.
Love's brought nothing but regret.
Itself, Love, has been little more than a hindrance.
It is, as it is, my most horrid addiction...
And so I fall... I fall...
Worth nothing.

Troothy Truth Tooth

2010-11-13T20:55:00.000-08:00

Up and down it runs. It splotches and it grimes.
I smell it but I pinch my nose.
I spray it with my garden hose.
Leave it under the sun to dry and hope it doesn't die
Half hoping it might
Half hoping it's right
Highlight my errors and draw new plans
It turns to dust in my hands
I inhale it for my glands
And it burns brightly in my brain, right as rain
the light it gives is warm
and it becomes my charm

Empty and cold, the mind tells itself it is not shallow
But all throughout life in these dark things I wallow
Stubborn and bold, the fire takes its hold
I burn, I burn, I burn
Will I rise from my own ashes?

Tired.

2010-10-24T16:29:00.001-07:00

I'm tired of bittersweet. I'm tired of thinking so much. I'm tired of sitting alone and pointing the gun at my temple. I'm tired of being myself. I'm tired of not being myself.

Noise. So much of it.
No more noise. Please.

I'm so out of myself...

"Good"

2010-10-21T22:57:00.001-07:00

"Good"

I see what you're doing
I've seen it before
I've played with the patterns
I found them a bore

The mood swings erratic
The party's gone sour
The times have grown slim
And the heart is devoured

Chorus
I'll be the bad one
In the sun when you tell your tale
I'll be the bad one
In the dark when no one cares
I'll be...

The wages of sin are...
Are my daily rapport
The one's left behind
Someone else will adore

And to those I have wronged
No apologies forth
And to those I have loved
Look for me in the North

Chorus...

In the light you dream and sway
Hide your ugly truths an play
In the night I waste and burn
As I wait for luck to turn

Chorus...
I'll be...
bastard
thief
unfaithful
creep
disdainful
piece of shit

I'll be...

The Kicker.

2010-10-17T22:05:00.000-07:00

It's one of those nights when I know I should be sleeping but I don't want to sleep. Been dreadfully tired all day. My little girl gave me a difficult night and having a broken foot are not a walk in the park in tandem. The evening has proven... interesting.

Like some sick little heroin junkie I keep getting into these situations with certain people that leave me wide open. I'm a sucker and I know it. I don't seem to care that much about being a sucker anymore, though. We're all fools, for one reason or another. We're all fools.

I am enriched by all this, I know. Parts of me - the more physical aspects - influence me in ways that would seem rash; act out needs, desires. I'd like to think I know better. It's still difficult.

Life is a funny affair. Someone's laughing, of this I am sure!

Itch.

2010-10-16T20:55:00.000-07:00

Funny word, that: Itch.

When we itch we scratch. Simple. But it's wrong. Not just in the physical sense. Sometimes we crave things that may be very detrimental to ourselves.

I itch on many levels. I think I won't scratch, though. Much like the itch on the skin beneath the cast over my right foot, I will ignore my itches.

The Fickle Flowers.

2010-10-11T21:28:00.000-07:00

It’s what you don’t say, that’s what gets under people’s skin.

They guess at what you say and the issues you skirt, and when you don’t quite give an answer it’s like their minds need to fill in the blanks. They create these elaborate fantasies about what it is we do, what it is we think, what it is we are...

It’s that way with women, often enough. They ask, they say, they throw lures and hope you bite. You brush closely to the bait and might gnaw carefully at the worm on the hook and they build these sand castles that have little base in reality.

But we also build our castles, which are far more fragile, so we keep them under lock and key. We ensconce them away in our labyrinthine hearts lest they get trampled by the fickle art. Much like a spider female hides her womb behind maddening twists of tissue, we hide our cores from the pricking ones in a bizarre role reversal.

As they dance away from us we sway in feigned disinterest, we must play this game of ebb and eddy to lure them into our caves. Once they have come in we falter in fear for we’ve all but forgotten where we've put away the keys. Our inner beings lost, forever cut-off from the outside. In striving to achieve this we lose the children we were and become callous monsters, witnesses in horror as we simply watch: we blunder and plunder and level the gardens.

Untitled Lyrics

2010-10-10T22:59:00.000-07:00

sitting out on a ledge
i see the world so clear
i live a crippled life
within a shroud of fear

the lights, they look so bright
the people, far away
and in the fall of night
we feel the toxic sway

fitting out of the view
the problems seem so small
like skipping stones on a lake
The fool will always fall

the sights they seem so real
the tastes they seem so right
the hearts, they beat to heal
what's hidden in the night

And the moon is bright.

Acknowledging the Monster.

2010-08-11T23:14:00.000-07:00

How do you end something with the most amazing person you've ever met?

The sweetest, most understanding person and you realize you're not for them... not now... tomorrow... who knows? What you felt has somehow, recently, stopped being... and emptiness is the dawn as the day fills with guilt and horror. You weigh heavy with sorrow...

What does one do when one knows one is not in that same area and one may have simply moved beyond the vicinity of that one place some time before?

This person I am now... am I better than I was before? One would think so. One would hope so... one does not know.

This person I am today... Just what the hell am I? Who the hell am I? I know, but the mind reels at the admission. The mind reels. If that phrase doesn't exemplify it all, well, then I am no good at my forte... words.

But I must move on. There is nothing but to move on. But I do not know how, not really... Because ending my life now would leave my daughter without a true father and I cannot bear missing any of my daughter's life if I can help it... even to the point of turning me into a coward? Perhaps.

I will not end it today... and I won't willingly end it tomorrow, I think. Suicide's never really been my thing.

Perhaps I am just waxing poetic, non? Devious consolation to any who care, that! Waxing moronic, waxing sardonic, waxing into absolute inanity.

Perhaps, if I was a better man, I would seek solace in her breast... but I am not that man. I am not like that... I am an island of idiocy or sheer obstinate purpose...

The man in the mirror... the man in the mirror... the man in the mirror... I wonder.. have I ever really liked him?

As a child I was an odd sight to myself. As I grew up I became awkward and obtuse. Into my teens at first I was horrid and then I wondered at what I saw... the change and the flexibility... I fancied myself an actor... but I only got a lead in a farce. And now, all these years removed from those late nights in front of the mirror wondering at what I might be, I am odd to myself. Alien in recognition.

The man in the mirror...

The man in the mirror, tonight, is crying. His face contorts like some carnival show freak... the features ugly beyond all semblance of humanity. Eyes red from the salted water... and sheer self-loathing running rampant in his veins.

The man in the mirror broke the heart he wishes he had never broken. The man in the mirror fell out of love, somehow, and the dawning of this made him miserable... but no more miserable than the one to whom the news was broken... the road to hell is paved with good intentions... and the man in the mirror bawls at the reality; that he has failed to open his heart, somehow, or rather his heart is somewhat dead. It beats no more, though he fancies he hears phantom beats, much like an amputee would sense a phantom limb.

I can scant find a way to hate the man in the mirror more than I do so tonight. I am done with these charades, done with these facades, done with trying... just done.

I deserve all the pain that will come my way. I deserve all the pain that has already come. But I wish I could undo certain parts of my existence, sweet though they were at the time - and will be in memory -, for then those whom I have loved and love, those who are truly beautiful, would not be burdened with having known me and having felt for me or feeling for me still...

I have lost the most beautiful person I have known... she loved me and I failed her. I felt once... and it faded... did I feel? Do I feel? I'm dead inside... would the body follow soon after?

The man in the mirror - Savatage

There's a man that I used to know
And sometimes he still visits with me
When it's late and the alcohol's glow
Is nearly gone
And it's time to awaken

And he looks and he laughs at the sight
And he asks what has happened to me
And I blame it all on the lights
But he smiles and says I'm mistaken
And there is no use in disguising
What the eye can so clearly see
That I've spent my whole life denying
That the man in the mirror is me

Give me one second chance
Give me one final dance
Give me one magic line
Take a minute off my time

Give me one final bow
If the moment allows
While he stares at the scars
Saying just who you are
Just who you are
Just who you are

In a child like illusion of life
He imagined the things yet to be
But they all disappeared on this night
Carry on among the forsaken

For there is no use in denying
What the eye can so clearly see
That one day I too will be dying
And the man in the mirror agrees

Give me one second chance
Give me one final dance
Give me one magic line
Take a minute off my time

Give me one final bow
If the moment allows
While he stares at the scars
Saying just who you are
Just who you are
Just who you are
Just who you...

are.

Now, where did I put that giant dildo Grandma had lying around...

2009-12-06T15:30:00.000-08:00

Created by Oatmeal

Amazingly accurate or so platitudinal it hurts

2009-09-08T12:37:00.000-07:00

alberto took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!

""Feels stressed due to his current situation or re..."

Click here to read the rest of the results.

Please, don't grow up...

2009-08-23T11:51:00.000-07:00

My daughter is now a year and 8 months old. She is the brightest, sweetest, most amazing creature I've had the joy of knowing in this world. That I adore her is quite the understatement, as surely it must - and should! - be for every father. I am sometimes left to gaze in wonder at her way of looking at the world. In running after her at the park as she herself chases down helpless pigeons while cackling with unadulterated delight, I am moved by her little motions and her every reaction to the world around her. She already recognizes locations outside of her house quite clearly, letting me know where she wants to go vocally while pointing at her desired destination. Everything she engages in is like ambrosia to me.

I truly wish, as I have been doing ever since my daughter's first weeks of life outside the womb, that she wouldn't have to grow up. As a father, I want her to find self-fulfillment and self-realization, but all-to-often I find myself longing for every second that passes and all those that have already passed. Wishing I could meld myself into my daughters very essence and therefore be one with her every step of the way, to both give her comfort and solace as well as to bear witness and enjoy every step of her progress through life. Alas, it is an impossibility and I will, like many fathers before me, become a victim to the cruel master Time and its ravages, as I long to forever have "my little girl" to hold.

This article at this particular gaming-centric site tugged at my heart strings and it certainly did so with more people than just me as is evinced by the comments. Read on.

Need/Want

2009-06-25T01:22:00.000-07:00

Living the nightcrawler's life for a couple of weeks. I run form one side to another, run around in circles, getting nowhere; a futile endeavor. Perhaps I know this? Perhaps somewhere in my innermost core I understand that this will lead me nowhere. My oscillating attentions, ebbing and flowing in a mercurial dance, may not take me down a path of discovery but rather one of stunted emotional evolution...

I think I might fall again. Let run without clear guidance, I feel I falter on my way.

Good things come to me, often enough, when I open myself to them. Much self-doubt has sabotaged the oportunities of life that have come my way, some of them. Now and then I do make the most of the deuces thrown my way, sometimes all too well...

I feel like wandering. I feel like finding all things I lost and those I've never had. I feel like being a river. I feel like coccooning. I feel like going forth on in time.

Wanderlust - The Delays

Can you hear that knocking in your soul
No, you don't listen
Can you hear that knocking overload
No, you don't listen

Never see the high beyond the low
No wonder, you lay twitching
Do you share the rush to be alone
Come over, we'll go missing
We'll go where there's no snow
We'll go and they won't know
Just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do do do do ah ah ah
Can you hear that knocking in your soul
No, you don't listen
We'll go where there's no snow
Just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do do do do ah ah ah
Just please don't give me your word

All that matters is the music tonight
Just please don't give me your,
All that matters is the music tonight,

But you don't listen

So, we'll go running, running til we start again
Yeah we'll run, we'll run away
Yeah, we'll go running, running til we start again
Yeah we'll run, we'll run away
Yeah, we'll go running, running til we start again
And we'll run, we'll run away

Droning

2009-06-05T03:03:00.000-07:00

It's four in the morning and i'm staring at the computer screens at work. Been getting into an alternate wavelenght in my brain throughout the night so as to manage the insane monotony of the graveyard shift. Should have been writing tonight, but I fear I am victim to my own expectations... so I am purging tonight. Getting rid of the bad vibes, of my crutches and failings, of my goals and expectations. I must simply do things for the sake of doing them, not for the possible outcomes.

The mind darts to and fro in the throes of cannabinoidal schisms, a mental paroxysm seemingly unending. I think on everybody, and remember even things long suppressed and forgotten, and more amazingly glimpse strange life forms and truths of reality. Insight, the kind that is almost palpably difficult to hold within the confines of one's mind. That is how I know I am in the deepest phase of the trip. But most people don't trip with this stuff. Most people just vegetate. In my case, the mind cannot be stopped, it runs unbridled into the darkest, strangest corners of the universe...

Life is interesting. It is very strange, also. It is very much a bunch of ado about something we assume and hope lies beyond the toll booth at the end of the mortal coil. But it is interesting.

I wanted sedation, I got said sedation. Other things desired but I know I'm not ready. But, oh, it smarts, the loneliness, the vacuous sea of silence. It smarts yet somehow it is comforting.

The the.

2009-06-03T04:51:00.000-07:00

Sleepy after an evening of nightshifting; the first night of a handful I am to labor within this schedule. Not particularly productive beyond the scope of my intended tasks for the night but I will be enjoying the final writing bits of my my script later on tonight after all my workmates have gone home to sleep or out to cavort and frolick among the fields of ethanolian delights. Bacchus be with them!

Not much to relate in general. Bored, yet not. Machinations regarding people I am interested in though I know better than to start messing about now that I've this goal set clear in my mind: creative productivity. This could be hindered by the above mentioned machinations. Not good. Not entirely bad, but not good.

Looking forward to hitting the sack in my immediate future. A night full of pushups and pistols should help create enough fatigue so that my body and mind will have no choice but to succumb to slumber.

Houdini

2009-05-01T20:50:00.000-07:00

Ever-so-slightly sickened. Now, if all evidence before did not confirm it, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a fool. Self-loathing is an interesting state of emotion. I sicken myself because I am sickened by others and this only because I let these others in. Being Zen about things doesn't take the sting out of them, no. It just means you stand there and take it like a stoic son-of-a-gun. If you fall and shed tears, you pick your sorry ass back up and stiffen your upper lip. You know full well that pain is a constant and a beautifully bitter-sweet reminder of being alive, of being human. Pain is the gift that keeps on giving. To feel is to hurt. Anyone knows this, though many deny it.

Let them all in. I can take it. Let them all run rampant in my heart's myriad chambers and wreck the house of my soul. Perhaps, should there be a higher intelligence that would at least sort through the hubris that is my collection of memories and feelings at the end of my mortal life, some lesson might be learned, some pearl gleaned from my painfully bland way of life.

Meaning. I want meaning. What do I mean? What the hell am I? What do I want? What do I need? Meaning. Truth. Peace.

I am a fool.

I am pulling a bit of a Houdini, here, as of tonight.

Tomorrow I join the consortium of fellow sin-mongers to cavort and gallivant where possible, though myself, I shall let Bacchus preach to me. I tire of the flesh. This rotting sea of it, all around me. Burn. A conflagration, if I could turn it...

Tomorrow I make music. Thereafter I shall retreat into my shell, as a friend of my heart so eloquently put it. I shall join the other side for a time. In the mirror I'll find a bit of myself with which to survive some time when I get back to this side again.

It is all so fine, this grand, elaborate lie.

Personas to wear like the masquerade has some point to it, a finality, a singularity... a meaning.

Houdini. Many meanings to a Houdini. Meaning. Let us pull a Houdini.

Incoherence THaruz

2009-04-23T19:23:00.000-07:00

Sleeper deep the well is filling
Nightly whispers heart is healing
Breaking skin the wolf has fallen
Moon is free from its pursuit
Lightly kissing worm-ridden bed
Enter the head of the ones long forgotten
To the bitter's end the boat must go
Dreamer foretells peaceful smiles
To the bitter end the fool must row
Hanging on the ice floe
Spans of giants the hills have made
Now in truth the fallen grow
Reaching further up the sky
Swollen core infects the sty
Primordial soup of pure emotion
Bifrost bridge lies further North
To the bitter's end the captain calls
Dreamer foretells wistful nights
To the bitter end the fool must stall
Hinting at the fall
Spires onirical into ruins turned
There, below, the molten wall
Reaching further down the line
Intravenous desire unwinds
Allusion to the love ad hoc
Prurient, sleepless, thoughts amok
No embrace but the earth mother's
Or the oceanic maiden's, our flesh to devour
Itching to burn, burning to fire
Sightless, salacious; the vigil deflowered
Tortures to visit upon the most dire
To the bitter's end with wind in sail
Dreamer foretells unending plight
To the bitter end the fool lest he fail

My Grave - Psychotic Waltz

they're cracking the cross where they hammer the nail
pennies they laid on the windows that failed
not really gone, but I'm so far away
all of your prayers cried at once all too late
once you fall down, end the round
end the round

shades of my dark hour light where I lay
someone I don't know is passing my way
don't want to go, but I can't really stay
now I wait for this no one to take me away

given to the ground
end the round
tears are falling down
given to the ground
end the round

drums of the death marchers
drone through the day
the funeral flowers macabre disarray
fall to the tears and the dirt where they lay
now they've all come at once
and they've all come too late
given to the ground
end the round, end the round
end the round, end the round
end the round, end the round now
end the round, end the round
end the round

Musings...

2009-04-23T15:32:00.000-07:00

I've been cavorting all over the place with friends, savoring the joys of the nightlife and reaping the benefits of catering to certain people's tastes in aesthetics. I have done some overindulgence and slept little. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I have, also, despite my heavy involvement in the myriad activities of the night, been able to observe and analyze as I am often wont.

I watch the people, the bar and club denizens, the socially alcoholic patrons looking to fill their nights and forget their days, and wonder at how we all live lie upon lie. I am earnestly trying to shed every persona I have created, bringing my self closer to transparency and freeing it of guile.

I see the many who attempt to save face because of fears long obsolete about what people will think of them. I myself have felt the anguish and fear but have managed, over the years, to tame it and let self-assurance be the armor against the judgements of the crowd. Self-assurance and happiness, contentedness, some modicum of inner peace.

Some people try to come off as the better dealt when deals of social interaction are struck in order to maintain certain appearances reigned-in, the far reaching consequences of popular opinion causing much worry in their minds. It is almost comically tragic. I call it cute, the word delivered in a state of pregnancy; nine full months of mordacity-laden intention.

I no longer play those games, though to play the overall game one must resort to certain psychological stratagems such that one might be regarded as conniving, machiavelian even. Knowing that these things have certain effects on people and using them basically as attitude adjustments so that one can get what one seeks.

I wish, with all my soul, that we could do away with all these little fibs.

The nature of love 1.0

2009-04-13T14:47:00.000-07:00

Hello boyols and goyols.

Today I've spent a somewhat significant amount of my waking hours musing on my behavior of late, which led me down to how relationships work, into how they grow disfunctional and finally into the nature of jealousy as one of the greatest problems in any era in this, our so-called civilization.

On Relationships.

It's odd and horribly imbalanced, this push and pull, this game of interest and lack thereof, which rules our lives. Human interaction is a difficult ritual in and of itself, but when special interests are created - spawned might be a better word - most become fumbling idiots, men and women, prey to the wiles of the chemistry of our oft maligned brains.

Push and pull. At the root, one of the greatest issues with men and women engaging in romantically inclined interaction is the balance that must be struck as far as shows of interest are concerned. All too often, women find it unappealing when a man shows open interest, viewing it - whether consciously or subconsciously, I do not know - as a sign of weakness. In a world where the sensible rules and the logical is the norm, open shows of interest, unabashed and unhindered by emotional barriers, would be good thing. Only in this bizarre little world of ours is being genuinely interested in someone a show of weakness. God-forbid we ever choose someone because they are honestly interested in us as persons.

It is sad; that we must guard ourselves so and wear these masks, assume these personas, just for the chance to maybe, one day, show our true selves, which might drive the other person away from us in shock at how different we are. A grand hypocrisy, this.

On Jealousy.

I found this piece which, personally, I find to be one of the best written articles on jealousy and its origin. I thought I might be becoming jealous, something worrying given the fact that I am far from a territorial person that way. So I began researching what I could find on that particular behavior. To my great relief, I am not jealous yet, at least not by the accepted definition. I seek not to punish, ever, or to hurt. My intentions are qualified as pure enough. The following excerps I found to be very incisive.

"They many not be able, nor ought they to be expected, to receive the choice of the loved one into the intimacy of their lives, but that does not give either one the right to deny the necessity of the attraction."

"to look upon people who can love more than one person as perverse or abnormal is to be very ignorant indeed."

"With love, in all its variability and changeability, fettered and cramped, it is small wonder if jealousy arises out of it. What else but pettiness, meanness, suspicion, and rancor can come when a man and wife are officially held together with the formula "from now on you are one in body and spirit." Just take any couple tied together in such a manner, dependent upon each other for every thought and feeling, without an outside interest or desire, and ask yourself whether such a relation must not become hateful and unbearable in time."

"The theory that man is a product of conditions has led only to indifference and to a sluggish acquiescence in these conditions."

"Anguish over the loss of love or a nonreciprocated love among people who are capable of high and fine thoughts will never make a person coarse. Those who are sensitive and fine have only to ask themselves whether they can tolerate any obligatory relation, and an emphatic no would be the reply. But most people continue to live near each other although they have long ceased to live with each other---a life fertile enough for the operation of jealousy, whose methods go all the way from opening private correspondence to murder. Compared with such horrors, open adultery seems an act of courage and liberation."

"Each is a small cosmos in himself, engrossed in his own thoughts and ideas. It is glorious and poetic if these two worlds meet in freedom and equality. Even if this lasts but a short time it is already worthwhile"

The full text is here and it is quite enlightening. I greatly recommend it.

The lyric for todays recommended listening are close to my heart on many levels and I find that it aptly describes the first issue I touched upon today, especially the line "If love is blind I think I'll buy myself a cane". I hope my disjointed thought process today has not translated into an altogether unreadable piece of slop.

Locomotive - Guns n Roses

GONNA FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS LONELINESS
YEAH I'LL FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS PAIN
IF I SAID THAT YOU'RE MY FRIEND
AND OUR LOVE WOULD NEVER END
HOW LONG BEFORE I HAD YOUR TRUST AGAIN
I OPENED UP THE DOORS WHEN IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE
HOPIN' THAT YOU'D FIND YOUR OWN WAY IN
BUT HOW CAN I PROTECT YOU
OR TRY NOT TO NEGLECT YOU
WHEN YOU WON'T TAKE THE LOVE I HAVE TO GIVE
I BROUGHT ME AN ILLUSION
AN I PUT IT ON THE WALL
I LET IT FILL MY HEAD WITH DREAMS
AND I HAD TO HAVE THEM ALL
BUT OH THE TASTE IS NEVER SO SWEET
AS WHAT YOU'D BELIEVE IT IS...
WELL I GUESS IT NEVER IS
IT'S THESE PREJUDICED ILLUSIONS
THAT PUMP THE BLOOD
TO THE HEART OF THE BIZ

YOU KNOW THAT I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT IT COULD TAKE SO LONG
YOU KNOW I NEVER KNEW HOW TO BE STRONG
YEAH, I LET YOU SHAPE ME
BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH YOU RAPED ME
'CAUSE YOU CLIMBED INSIDE MY WORLD
AND IN MY SONGS
SO NOW I'VE CLOSED THE DOOR
TO KEEP THE COLD OUTSIDE
SEEMS SOMEHOW I'VE FOUND THE WILL TO LIVE
BUT HOW CAN I FORGET YOU
OR TRY NOT TO REJECT YOU
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT TAKES TIME TO FORGIVE

SWEETNESS IS A VIRTUE
AND YOU LOST YOUR VIRTUE LONG AGO
YOU KNOW I'D LIKE TO HURT YOU
BUT MY CONSCIENCE ALWAYS TELLS ME NO
YOU COULD SELL YOUR BODY ON THE STREET
TO ANYONE WHOM YOU MIGHT MEET
WHO'D LOVE TO TRY AND GET INSIDE
AND BUST YOUR INNOCENCE OPEN WIDE

'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO

GONNA HAVE SOME FUN WITH MY FRUSTRATION
GONNA WATCH THE BIG SCREEN IN MY HEAD
I'D RATHER TAKE A DETOUR
'CAUSE THIS ROAD AIN'T GETTIN' CLEARER
YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT HAS CUT ME OFF AGAIN
BETTER TAME THAT BOY 'CAUSE HE'S A WILD ONE
BETTER TAME THAT BOY FOR HE'S A MAN
SWEETHEART DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
YOU'S GETTIN' TOO BIG FOR YOUR PANTS
AND I'S THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CUT OUT WHILE YOU CAN
YOU CAN USE YOUR ILLUSION
LET IT TAKE YOU WHERE IT MAY
WE LIVE AND LEARN
AND THEN SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO WALK AWAY
ME I'M JUST HERE HANGIN' ON
IT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO STAY AT LEAST
FOR NOW ANYWAY
I'VE WORKED TOO HARD FOR MY ILLUSIONS
JUST TO THROW THEM ALL AWAY

I'M TAKING TIME FOR QUIET CONSOLATION
IN PASSING BY THIS LOVE THAT'S PASSED AWAY
I KNOW IT'S NEVER EASY -
SO WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE ME
WHEN I'VE ALWAYS GOT SO MANY THINGS TO SAY
CALLING OFF THE DOGS A SIMPLE CHOICE IS MADE
'CAUSE PLAYFUL HEARTS
CAN SOMETIMES BE ENRAGED
YOU KNOW I TRIED TO WAKE YOU -
I MEAN HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE YOU
TO OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND TURN THE PAGE

KINDNESS IS A TREASURE -
AND IT'S ONE TO ME YOU'VE SELDOM SHOWN
SO I'LL SAY IT FOR GOOD MEASURE
TO ALL THE ONES LIKE YOU I'VE KNOWN
YA KNOW I'D LIKE TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD
AND ALL MY FRIENDS COULD PAINT IT RED
'CAUSE LOVE TO ME'S A TWO WAY STREET
AN ALL I REALLY WANT IS PEACE

BUT MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO

AFFECTION IS A BLESSING
CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR TORRID HEART
I TRIED TO KEEP THIS THING TA-GETHER
BUT THE TREMOR TORE MY PAD APART
YEAH I KNOW IT'S HARD TO FACE
WHEN ALL WE'VE WORKED FOR'S GONE TO WASTE
BUT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID WOMAN
AND I'M SUCH A STUPID MAN
BUT LOVE LIKE TIME'S GOT IT'S OWN PLANS

'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
YEAH
IF LOVE IS BLIND I GUESS I'LL BUY MYSELF A CANE

LOVE'S SO STRANGE

2009-04-12T13:34:00.000-07:00

Today is a day to be weary. Weary of the trappings of the human condition. Weary of the tangled webs we weave. Weary of everyone's opinion and of the consequences they bring. Weary of being honest and considerate only to have these things thrown back in one's face or simply have them fade like ripples in a pond. I know I am only writing in water. In aqua scribis. Futile.

I have skirted a situation which could have gone deeper than I wanted. It could have been very painful but now it is simply an uncomfortable ache. I am too old for the games and the longings and the unfulfilled promises of hypothetical tomorrows. I am learning once again to walk away from things that won't last. I am letting go of things that won't come to me freely and willingly. I force nothing, which is not to say I make no effort. Effort does not equal pressure. I seek not what is not to be mine, for I ask for nothing. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me, however. My generally easygoing nature. People take it to mean I don't care, or that I don't want enough or that it is giving them license to leave me aside. Kindness is not something to take lightly, but sadly it is often taken for granted in a world that is far too cold for anyone with a beating, bloody heart.

I am tired. So I think I will close up the gates again. Shut the door for a while and wisen up a little. I fool myself into trusting people to be reciprocate even though I am sometimes led by them to think so. I am tired again. Emotional output depleted. Spiritual discharge spilt beyond the point of health. I am only disappointed in myself. I should know better.

Evidence - Faith No More

If you want to open the hole
Just put your head down and go
Step beside the piece of the circumstance
Got to wash away the taste of evidence
Wash it away(evidence)
I didnt feel a thing
It didnt mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify:
I didnt feel a thing
Anything you say, we know youre guilty
Hands above your head,
And you wont even feel me
You wont feel me

If this is it - Huey Lewis and The News

Ive been phoning night and morning
I heard you say tell him Im not home
Now youre confessing, but Im still guessing
Ive been your fool for so so long
Girl dont lie, just to save my feelings
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Girl dont try to make up phony reasons
Id rather leave than never believe

If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so

Youve been thinking
And Ive been drinking
We both know that its just not right
Now youre pretending
That its not ending
Youll say anything to avoid a fight
Girl dont lie, and tell me that you need me
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Ill be alrightone way or another
So let me go, or make we want to stay

If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so

04/05/2009

2009-04-11T09:39:00.000-07:00

Riptide...
Flowing contradictions
Wind-whipped, tatters torn.
Diluvial aftermath worn
Given to flight; wont of running away
In uncertain times with uncertain companions
At the first sign of adversion

The heart is light when light is bright
And love flows unhindered
Uncertain bedfellows weigh it dearly
For uncertain then turns its nature

Fleeting is then emotion pure
Sullied by the whims of mind and time
Where surely there once lived hope
Warts of weakness now fester

Feral grows the soul as it sheds the trappings of convention
Tired of the games and the feeble lover's question
Weary of the hunt and the erstwhile friend's suggestion
Fed-up with the ancient rhyme

Withdrawal

2009-04-02T14:21:00.000-07:00

Becoming dependent to something which has been missing in one's life for a prolonged period of time is easy. All too easy. We seem to be creatures of proclivities and desires and fall prey to our own traps more often than not. It's all rather difficult to deal with when one knows that dependences all spawn from within, from the weaknesses and deficiencies that are inevitably part of who we are. It is no less harrowing by the knowing of this simple fact, that we still suffer these dependences and, like any one person suffering from a physical addiction to a controlled substance, we cannot help but grow surly, our moods swinging wildly as we seek to tame this dragon that has claimed our souls as its dwelling.

Is this the nature of Love? Is Love nothing more nothing more than an addiction? What evidence do we have to the contrary? Are we so broken that we can only find ourselves in the throes of this tyranical feeling when we are laid prostrate and prone? I cannot conceive of feeling like that and being happy. Perhaps it is because feelings arise when there is yet little trust or proof thereof. Perhaps because time must work its wonders first before we can give of ourselves as freely as we desire. Perhaps we are simply fools.

My dependences are rather simple. My daughter first and foremost. After spending three days without seeing her I literally became very moody. I was basically in a bad mood during the entirety of the third day and, today being the fourth day, during the morning after. I have spent some time with her now so it is all returning back to normal. Now all that remains is the other more recent dependence which I am currently trying to cull or, at the least, reign in to a semblance of tolerability. Four days at least to see how far I can stand withdrawal and if such a state effects meaningful changes on my disposition to the object of such an addiction. Four but probably seven days total. A whole week. Ask any smack-head if that's a short span of time.

Why do I torture myself so in the second case? Because I hate being vulnerable, not because I feel like I'm the only one in the two-way exchange feeling like this, that couldn't be any less important to me, but because I simply feel bad. Whether the counterpart feels anything at all is of little consequence as pain is the eventual byproduct of any emotional investment. It is a constant which I have learnt to accept and subsequently expect without giving it much thought, a thought barely out of mind. But I have to slay this dragon before it becomes something bigger than me. I have been warned off once already, after a certain "moment", an opening up of hearts, momentary though it was. I know full well that this all stems from my heart being tender, from the wounds that are still healing and the longing to be loved. But is no less real in light of its odd beginnings.

I once killed an ideal, not similar, but perhaps worse. Bigger, meaner and considerably stronger. Something that grew inside my head and seeped into my heart to become a giant, an ogre that tore down bridges of the soul. I killed it, not so long ago. I killed it as I have killed other, lesser things. But do I dare kill this now or is it possible to tame it? Am I simply going insane and letting chemicals have the better of me? Could I not for once receive actual cares and tenderness without running the gauntlet of my mind in search of a way into peace? Already I have thought of running away, a foolish notion given that no matter where I go what I have inside stays there, with me. No running. Not this time.

I wanted something meaninful. Maybe this is it? I'd rather not invest myself on this too heavily or invest on it any terms and concepts. It's time to let it flow. I shall be at peace and proceed with no-action. No resistance and no scheming. Sadly, some people take this as being a pushover... odd that one's amiability and pleasant nature would give that impression. The last person that mistook my dedication for weakness may be doing fine today, but surely there won't another as foolish as me to cling to. I hope this time they will want to know me... really know me.

The song today is not for anyone in particular, but it accurately depicts my disposition towards matters sentimental.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

Focus

2009-04-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

Amidst this onslaught of inner turmoil I have slowly regained some sense of logic, exerting, through great effort, some discipline on my feelings. I must focus on the projects and goals I set for myself and once again attempt to balance the evergrowing amount of variables in my life.

Everything feels good. Even the things that might be unpleasant to other persons, caused by my simple proximity to said persons, is easily enough overcomable. Can;t think very well right now, but all seems to be relatively well.

Japan - Devin Townsend

Time waits for no one
No holy saviour came again
It's here now, my old friend
And it's time to go home...
Back to the stars
Now I know how it sounds
But I know how I feel
And this boredom kicks into the aligned
The invisible and the divine
And the lights upon the hill at night
They have followed me young
And into tomorrow

No time for you
Time alone
This time I think I've found it
Goodbye my love
It came for me
I'm going back to Japan

Fuck you, Carrot!

2009-03-27T13:46:00.000-07:00

That's right. I fucking hate the carrot. It just dangles there in front of me, never any closer despite it's whispered promises and veiled insinuations. Beta-carotene temptress, I confound you!

Every morning we wake to follow the races and pay out the gains as the song so succinctly says. Every day it's the same parade of manure with no seeming end in sight. Dreams to follow, sullied and trampled in the dirt. We keep them alive but it's hard to clean them off and continue to labor on them. We are pathetic and yet strive for greatness on a daily basis, struggling through self-loathing that can only come from honest artistic vision.

Fuck you, Carrot! The only satisfaction I have is that if one day, by some ironic twist of fate I actually catch you, I'll eat you and excrete you. That's right, you pompous, supercilious bastard!

*SIGH* I hate you, Carrot.

Someone Else - Queensryche

When I fell from grace I never realized
How deep the flood was around me
A man whose life was toil was like a kettle left to boil
And the water left these scars on me

The chains I wore were mine, dragging me towards my fate
Planned for me long ago

I played by all their rules, went to their right schools

Who was I to question?

They used to say I was nowhere man
Heading down was my destiny
But yesterday I swear that was
Someone Else not me

Here I stand at the crossroad's edge
Afraid to reach out for eternity
One step when I look down
I see someone else, not me

I know now who I am, if only for awhile
I recognize the changes
I feel like I did, before the magic wore thin
And the baptism of stains began

Sacrifice, the always say... is a sign of nobility
But where does one draw the line in the face of injury?
I'm just trying to understand

Standing here at the crossroad's edge
Looking down at what I used to be
A drowning man, trying to stay afloat
Heavy with the past, but somehow keeping hope
That there's something more that is seen
But it's somewhere out of reach

So I keep looking back
Looking back and I see someone else

All my life they said I was going down
But I'm still standing stronger proud

And today I know, there's so much more I can be
I think I finally understand

From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone Else, not me.

I keep looking back at Someone Else... me?

As Sweet as a Baby's Smile

2009-03-25T12:14:00.000-07:00

Is there something you can say that is absolutely genuine and pure? An expresion of human feeling that is thoroughly devoid of ulterior motive and negativy? What show of emotion could be as whole and overwhelming?

A baby's smile. I muse over this subject because of my experience with my little treasure, my 1 year old daughter. Over the course of her little life so far I've been constantly amazed and left nigh breathless with her tiniest discoveries, with her minute to minute triumphs and hardships. Every little thing that she does, her reactions and general demeanor fill me with such happiness that I wonder if anyone ever has felt such bliss. But the one gesture, the one expression that trumps it all - or perhaps the one at the heart of such wonderful a creature - is her smile. A baby's smile. Such a seemingly simple thing, yet one never done justice by the fascimile of photography, as one cannot possibly experience it's sheer magnitude without the buildup, the peek and the ebb, seconds though it might take, as it is this motion, a dance of infantile muscles, that takes one's breath away. There is no single facial expression filled with such unbridled joy at life as that of a baby's smile. No single motion so hopeful and bright.

Last night I visited my daughter as she had gotten four vaccines for her 1-year-&-3-months earlier in the day. She's a brave little thing, hardly a tear shed where other children would weep openly for minutes on end. The moment I walked into the room, as she lay on the bed watching the television, her face lit up upon seeing me. This smile that warms my heart despite the fever brought on by the vaccines and the pain in her limbs no deterrent to the happiness I can bring to her life, the happiness that so characterizes this child. She makes me feel like, even if all else is lost to me and all my hopes and dreams are laid low, I can be useful by lighting up that face with my love.

A baby's smile. Nothing's sweeter than a baby's smile.

Syzygy

2009-03-23T08:40:00.000-07:00

I unravel.

This past week has been emotionally momentous. My heart is alive with conflicting emotions and running the gamut from beatiful to horrible as far as feelings go. One moment I feel like nothing is wrong with my world, the next I'm feeling miserably dejected and stoically apathetic. Good things have happened, but good things also complicate the already complicated mosaic of thought within me.

Peolple once thought of as falling within a certain subjective category within the social schemes of one's own sphere suddenly shift onto a different strata, making one reasses how events and relationships might have evolved to that point. Like a crash in slow motion, a glacier inexorably moving towards a drifting ship, I ingored signs I would otherwise pick up on to seize and rather attributed them to other, more innocently intentioned origins. Semi-fraternal affections preventing one from objectively viewing a friend's behavioral patterns and therefore letting things grow by way of inaction, to some degree.

Not a bad thing at all. No. But a complicated one, should things grow, as they are so oftenly wont, out of the confines of the realm of the reasonable. Is there danger of such a thing occurring? Yes, the danger is not only possible but highly probable. Will this person know how I truly am and be able to accept me accordingly? No one's been found yet that might actually match this requirement.

Things might be best left to linger a little, ignoring the issue of permanence and that of feelings beyond the here-and-now. Focus only lighting on the bliss to be derived from the ephemeral nature of these things and the intensity with which one feels as these things come. The object of my interest, so to speak, will be leaving on a potentially permanent journey of sorts. A reason for both joy and sorrow - is anything with me ever clear cut on one side of the spectrum? - as my heart has not entirely found it's home again and this sudden burst of fire within has caused a major conflagration. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, much less a person such as this. Sorrow, though, for the knowledge that timing has once again taken the best of me. Serendipity, causality, whatever. It all converges in this dance of emotions and desires, of thought and action conflicting, warring, subsiding and subversively rising up again. This person will leave and, the gods willing, find her raison-d'etre, her north in life. Whether I'm anywhere in there in the near future or far, a trifle matter that surely concerns powers higher than mine. My hopes? I don't even know them sometimes.

Hence the nature of our current arrangement. I'm a nice note, a paragraph in a chapter of a person's book. One fondly remembered for life? That may be more than most can hope for. Do I truly want to be something more significant in another person's life? It's scary to think of it. It terrifies me. I was significant, or so I thought, not so long ago. Alas, I mistook "useful" for "significant" and branded myself a monumental fool. I don't think I can be significant for anyone any time soon. I can be meaningful, that I most certainly can be. Meaningful and ephemeral, yet everlasting and unsullied. A memory shining in the distance, which light may warm the holder in times of struggle and adversity. I can be meaningful.

It is frustrating, to be in this state, within. Like I'm only a half-person. Incomplete, inadequate, neither here nor there. A fleshly ghost. Wherefore do I haunt?

Shotgun Shenanigans

2009-03-05T22:22:00.000-08:00

It's been about two weeks since I had a nice shotgun pulled on me from a nondescript dark automobile with dark tinted windows with the intetion of taking the worldly belonging which I happened to carry in my trusty old backpack at a little past midnight on a Monday. Oddly enough, I didn't seem to panic; I actually looked at the shotgun and its wielder without stopping and hissed derogatorily - almost despectively! -, did and odd jump/step (perhaps as if to run) and kept on walking, thinking to myself that I was going to get shot in the back at any moment. A number of things confabulated into saving my skinny white ass from dying and getting robbed. First, my reaction (or near lack thereof) must have put a chink in the would-be robbers' armor, their aggressiveness thwarted momentarily by my impervious visage, surely they must have been dumbfounded by my indiference to their phallus-substitute and primitive and otherwise peremptory barks. Second, a nightwatchman - one without a weapon, mind you -, roused by my intented tormentors' yelling, came to see what was going on, yelling "Que esta pasando aqui!" (what's going on here!), this called attention from the staff at an all-night gas station some 50 feet away, which would factor into my Third saving factor. Now, the watchman, seeing the shotgun, dove behind a parked car, I walked by past him, sparing him a look and a smile and asking "What was that about!?" motioning with my head towards the thugs behind me. I made my way to the gas station where a friend was waiting for me while he pumped some air into his car tires and told the man with some disbelief "you know, I think they just pulled a shotgun on me..."

It's been strange month; not the nicest span of time lately, what with being sick back-to-back (intestinal infection, throat infection, nasty coughs and the removal of a wisdom tooth) and in-your-face evidence of this country's social decay, I'm feeling strangely lucky despite my maladies. I'm just luckier than ever to be alive, that much I know. Should I buy a lotto ticket or something?

In any case, some lyrics for the day, below.

Walking On The Moon - sting

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could live together
Walking on, walking on the moon

Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Feet they hardly touch the ground
Walking on the moon
My feet dont hardly make no sound
Walking on, walking on the moon

Some may say
Im wishing my days away, no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could be together
Walking on, walking on the moon

Some may say
Im wishing my days away no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play

Slave To The Grind - Skid Row

You got me forced to crack
My lids in two
Im still stuck inside this rubber room
I gotta punch the clock that
Leads the blind
Im just another gear in the assembly
Line - oh no

The noose gets tighter around
My throat
But I aint at the end of my rope cause
I wont be the one left behind
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind

Get it?

A routine injection, a lethal dose
But my day in the sun aint even close
Theres no need to waste
Your prayers on me
You better mark my words
cause im history
Yes indeed

You might beg for mercy to get by
But id rather tear this thorn
From my side

I wont be the one left behind
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind

They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide

They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide

I wont be the one left behind

You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind

I said slave to the grind
Slave to the grind
Slave to the grind

Helloween
If I Could Fly lyrics

No fear, no pain
Nobody left to blame
I'll try alone
Make destiny my own
I learn to free my mind
Myself I now must find
Once more
Once more
Refrén:

If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly

So here I am
In solitude I stand
I've got dreams inside I need to realize
My faith has grown
No fear of the unknown
No more
No more

If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly

If I could fly
If I could, if I could, fly

If I could, if I could, fly If I could,
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly

Fever Dreams

2009-02-25T12:43:00.000-08:00

One cannot always live in the palaces and state apartments of language,
but we can refuse to spend our days in searching for its vilest slums.
--William Watson

While taking a nap at work I thought of a little line or two I would use to write a little something... but this was seconds before falling into shallow sleep for a few minutes so it is now lost to the recesses of my subconcious mind. This reminds me of a line I spewed in a rare bout of eloquence while chatting with my friend Das Vassen, the line in question actually caught his eye so he actually uses it as a quote... I am quite flattered, I must say! "Like dreams that fade the more you try to recall them" is what I believe I said... Dreams...

I have a lovely case of pharingitis! It took a week of expensive meds and rest for it to develop into an infection... I should've let it be and we would've arrived at the same damn spot in just as long or less... oh well. Doc gave me some antibiotics and antihistaminics. This should pan out well.

Iron Maiden gig tomorrow. I can't seem to muster any excitement for it, but I'll go anyways, though I will miss sing out the songs along with the band.

Oh! It also appears to be Dr. Seuss's Birthday, today.

Some more lyrics for songs that inspire and/or touch me.

Bah!

Skid Row - Into Another

Slowly I heal the love that's found its way
Onto another path in times of change
Crossing a bridge unknown
Hoping our strength will hold
Should they both let go then let me lay
.....Let me lay

(Chorus)
Show me a sign
To a light that shines
One direction into another
Sheltered peace of mind

Somewhere I lost a piece of memory
Somehow I know my legs will carry me
Searching for circles end
Hoping the wounds will mend
Should this scar, then it was meant to be

Interpol - The Scale

I have a sequin for an eye
Pick a rose and hide my face
This is the bandit's life
It comes and goes and then's the breaks
Under a molten sky, beyond the road, we lie in wait
You think they know us now?
Wait 'til the stars come out
You'll see that

Well, I made you and now I take you back
It's too late but today I can define the lack
I made you and now I take you back

Sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right
My sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right

I can still feel it when you lie
Pick a rose just to hide my face
Well, if there's something I should know
I seek no science when there is no shape
Under a molten sky, let the days collide
Well, I made you and now I take you back

Sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right
My sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right

Incoherence Freki

2009-01-31T16:03:00.000-08:00

Vex the kissing maiden
Broken hearts unfurl
Suture ripping open
Ships assailed by stormy winds
Aerie days of joyous banter
Lulling with the feeble skin
Flesh to flesh I shall devour
Broken hearts grow dull

Arson of my flagrant passion
Stabbing at the rightful heir
Of the love the maiden dares profess
The altar sullied by the offering
Blindly does the mare follow
Where the stallion reluctantly leads?
Lies to lies, the wine grows sour
Stabbing at the plightful heir

Grating on my sense of self
Smiling wily is the temptress
Aging in the moonlit night
Mead pours on the land of the faceless
Bloody mouths agape in lust
Farewells are whispered in the darkness
Eyes to eyes the would-be lovers
Smiling wrily is the temptress

Nightshifting it on the down-low

2009-01-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

I've got a lovely evening of night shift ahead of me and the following are some of the many gems I'll be delighting my ears with for the duration of this long evening.

Yeah. Slow and nothing to fucking write about.

Simple Minds - Hypnotised

I can feel the whole world spinning around

I'm losing ground

I feel it every day

And I can feel you coming inside out

I'm losing touch with all reality

I remember the look in your eyes

The way that they pulled me inside

All I've got now in my defence is my innocence

I've been hypnotised

I can hear the church bells ringing out

Reminds me of some bright and sunshine day

When all the pretty horses you would ride

Would come right back to feel your energy

I still remember the look in your eyes

The way that they filled me inside

All I've got now in my defence

Is my innocence

I've been hypnotised

You know it won't be easy

It's never easy

I've been hypnotised

It won't be easy

If you've got a heart that burns inside

Let me get inside let me tangle with the flames

If you've got a light that burns inside

The heat will rise and melt down once again

I'm waiting for a sign, help me realign

Maybe it's a sin I know but it's not a crime

All I know, I've been hypnotised

Maybe there's a way I can find a way

Final hour Judgement day

All I know, I've been hypnotised

And then I realise

Katatonia - Clean Today

all the white lights falling

the blue lights are falling
night is warm
came down with a promise
I have my best shirt on
I lower myself now
it is a way to forget
of last year's failure

WILL THE STREETLIGHTS REFLECT ME WELL ENOUGH
AM I TRANSPARENT WHEN I AM CLEAN
WILL THE DARKNESS AROUND ME BE SO STRONG
THAT THERE IS NO WAY I CAN BE SEEN

boys will we become
heroes of this night
or am I just happy
whenever not sober
I cleaned myself well
clean today

and when I pause for a breath
I see millions like me

Katatonia - The Future of Speech

my prospects have become less promising
i find it hard to believe in anything
seems I lost my world and so I lost my faith
and I can't go back to where I've been

a brand new day
it can't get worse
hear myself say
it can't get worse

I have no lies or truth in what I say
there is no meaning
the words are numb and I am so afraid
there is no meaning

this is another chance or so I'm told
by these who can push themselves at any cost
they bless me with their fingers crossed
my youth is stolen, transformed and sold

Something should be ending...

2009-01-27T08:47:00.000-08:00

That's what I feel.

Not that I'm contemplating suicide or anything like that but I feel like I'm somehow saying goodbye to things in general and I really don't know what to make of it. A lot of the things I've done out of impulse in the last couple of weeks have been spurred by this strange sensation that I don't have a lot of time... I don't feel like I'm dying, I guess, or that life is passing me by any more than usual, but it certainly feels, well, strange.

Something should be ending, and I don't mean my recently dead marriage or some other allegorical hubris. Something should be ending and I don't quite understand this.

In any case, since I'm such a shit writer these days I have been wallowing in self-indulgent contemplation and have picked a few lyrics from the songs I've been playing the most.

Plowed - Sponge

Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess its reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream

Say a prayer for me
Im buried by the sound
In a world of human
Wreckage
Im lost and Im found
And I cant touch the
Ground
Im plowed into the sound

To see wide open
With a head thats broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground
That covers the message
That is the seed

Promises Broken - Soul Asylum

Streets are filled with broken glass
You get buried by the past
Give me just a little taste
Lay this mess to waste
Take me home

My mind is racing take me home
My body's aching so alone
Ill make you want to stay with me
Befriended by the enemy
One more time

And every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

Looking outside from my window sill
Throw another coin in the wishing well
Youll never find what youre looking for
Fifteen miles
Your dim light shines from so far away
Your sad smile
Is all I see when I say

That every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

From the hotel satellite
Dont look like youre living right
Heres a deal you cant refuse
You aint got as much to lose

Can you tell your troubles to
Someone who wont laugh at you
Its all right
And as I watch you walk away
Hope a part of you would stay
Its all right

And every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

Somebody to Shove - Soul Asylum

Grandfather watches the grandfather clock
And the phone hasnt rang for so long
And the time flies by like a vulture in the sky
Suddenly he breaks into song

Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone
Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone

Hello, speak up, is there somebody there?
These hang-ups are getting me down
In a world frozen over with over-exposure
Lets talk it over, lets go out and paint the town

Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone

Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me

Youre a dream for insomniacs, prize in the cracker jacks
All the difference in the world is just a call away

And Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone
Yes Im waiting by the phone
Im waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone

Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Yes I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me

Crowing - Toad the Wet Sprocket

Been waiting
To find
You couldve been happier
Given the time
If hed make up his mind
Youd give yourself to anybody
Who would cross that line

Chorus:
And it was never question
He was crowing for repair
Youd give him love and affection
But you couldnt keep him there

Get over regrets
While you were sleeping with the angels
He was under the bed
And the more skin
That you shed
The more that the air in your throat will linger
When you call him your friend

Chorus

Staring at a cold little hand
Reading fault lines
Of a shell of a man
You were waiting for a word from above
Wouldnt you know it
No answer ever did come

And it was never question
You were crowing for repair
Youd give him love and affection
But you couldnt keep him there

Livin' on my Own - Freddie Mercury

Sometimes I feel I'm gonna break down and cry
Nowhere to go, nothing to do with my time
I get lonely, so lonely, living on my own

Sometimes I feel I'm always walking too fast
And everything is coming down on me, down on me
I go crazy
Oh so crazy - living on my own

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Got to be some good times ahead

Sometimes I feel nobody gives me no warning
Find my head is always up in the clouds
In a dreamworld
It's not easy - living on my own

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Got to be some good times ahead

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Got to be some good times ahead

True Faith - New Order

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I dont care cause Im not there
And I dont care if Im here tomorrow
Again and again Ive taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talked to me
Now that weve grown up together
Theyre afraid of what they see
Thats the price that we all pay
Our valued destiny comes to nothing
I cant tell you where were going
I guess there was just no way of knowing
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
The chances are weve gone too far
You took my time and you took my money
Now I fear youve left me standing
In a world thats so demanding
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

Hibiscus days

2009-01-24T06:59:00.000-08:00

The unraveling ended, I had the pleasure of having my daughter sleep over with me couple of days back. Uneasy night as it is the first time she spends the night in this house and surely enough she wanted to play with the dogs at 2 in the morn.

Come morning we played in the sun. My baby girl gets a sweet kick out of running up and down an incline in the garage. There are hibiscus bushes so I taught her how to drink their nectar, she was pleasantly delighted.

Took the bus to her mother's place, she fell asleep on my chest. Cannot help but remember the first time she fell asleep on me, that first day at the hospital. My heart broke a little more when having to leave her sleeping, not really saying goodbye, but it's better than her crying over me leaving.

So tired now. Haven't slept well. Should take a nap. Fedor fights tonigh and I mustn't miss that. I need to buy a proper bed. My neck is killing me.

So.

2009-01-21T12:06:00.000-08:00

Lumpy throat
Limpy ways
Wonky coat
Worky days
Little pup
Left behind
Fickle cup
Looping twine

So tired, so tired... so tired.

Weepy eyes
Whiny quips
Sleepy sighs
Briny ships
Oldie twang
Hearty thump
Nasty clang
Snarky hump

So weary, so weary... so weary.

Rheumy bones
Cracky teeth
Oddly tones
Wrappy seethe
Klunky crab
Sightly flee
Handy grab
Nightly free

So...

Soundtrack to my current state of life

2009-01-18T17:00:00.000-08:00

So I've exhausted my creative drive and now all I have is the music to hold on to. Shit post from a horrible little butt-plug, but it is the best I can do right now. The first is basically for my daughter, borrowing from the Jim Croce, wherever his spirit inhabits today. All else may as well be trivial.

Time In a Bottle - Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

The Turn of a Friendly Card pt. 1 & 2 - Alan Parsons

There are unsmiling faces and bright plastic chains
And a wheel in perpetual motion
And they follow the races and pay out the gains
With no show of an outward emotion

And they think it will make their lives easier
For God knows up till now it's been hard
But the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card
No the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card

There's a sign in the desert that lies to the west
Where you can't tell the night from the sunrise
And not all the king's horses and all the king's men
Have prevented the fall of the unwise

And they think it will make their lives easier
For God knows up till now it's been hard
But the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card
No the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card

But a pilgrim must follow in search of a shrine
As he enters inside the cathedral...

There are unsmiling faces in fetters and chains
On a wheel in perpetual motion
Who belong to all races and answer all names
With no show of an outward emotion

And they think it will make their lives easier
But the doorway before them is barred
And the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card
No the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card

Don't Answer Me - Alan Parsons

If you believe in the power of magic,
I can change your mind
And if you need to believe in someone,
Turn and look behind
When we were living in a dream world,
Clouds got in the way
We gave it up in a moment of madness
And threw it all away

Don't answer me, don't break the silence
Don't let me win
Don't answer me, stay on your island
Don't let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things we've said and done?

If you believe in the power of magic,
It's all a fantasy
So if you need to believe in someone,
Just pretend it's me
It ain't enough that we meet as strangers
I can't set you free
So will you turn your back forever on what you mean to me?

Don't answer me, don't break the silence
Don't let me win
Don't answer me, stay on your island
Don't let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things we've said and done?

I Wouldn't Want to be like You - Alan Parsons

If I had a mind to,
I wouldn't want to think like you.
And if I had time to
I wouldn't want to talk to you.

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.

If I was high class
I wouldn't need a buck to pass.
And if I was a fall guy,
I wouldn't need no alibi...

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.

Back on the bottom line,
Diggin' for a lousy dime.
If I hit a mother lode,
I'd cover anything that showed.

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do...
I wouldn't wanna,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I wouldn't want to be like you.

Feed the Fire - Ark

I Saw Her Face In A Magazine

She Was There Smiling Back At Me

It Was A Spark To The Fire And I Flew Higher

Her Hair As Black As Coal

Her Eyes We're Slightly Blue

Am I Imagining The Beauty Reflecting

Will She Ever Know My Name

I'm Dreaming

That Someday She'll Be Mine

It's Love That Feeds The Fire

In For Desire I Dive Endlessly

I Can't Stop Believing

Love Will Be There

I Know You're Out There Somewhere

My Dreams Are All About You

Baby We Could Walk Through Fire

Your Power I Desire

Loving From A Distance

Ain't Got No Resistance

Behind Your Made Up Face

Your Secrets Embrace

Will She Ever Know My Name

I'm Dreaming

Someday She'll Be Mine

It's Love That Feeds The Fire

In For Desire I Dive Endlessly

And I Can't Stop Believing

Love Will Be There

Love Will Feed The Fire

In For Desire I Dive Endlessly

I Can't Stop Believing

Love Will Be There.be There Some Day

The Burden is Mine... Alone - Green Carnation

I feel the blood under my skin
like so many times before
this journey got the best of me
and I am sorry I couldn't wait anymore

The burden is mine... alone

I feel the blood under my skin
and I hate every part of me
how could I lose the only thing worth keeping
now I'm sorry I didn't wait for you

The burden is mine... alone

Strange Highways - Dio

It's a crazy world we live in
And I'm leaving it today
For another institution
Where crazy people play
Every time I climbed the mountain
And it turned into a hill
I promised me that I'd move on
And I will.

I, I, good for nothing
Going nowhere, so they say
Hey, someone give me blessings
For they say that I have sinned
That's when I crawl inside myself
And ride into the wind
On Strange Highways
On Strange Highways

Hey you! I want your number
Don't even wonder
We do things our way here
Questions
These are forbidden
We got no answers
Believe us anyway

So here is my confession:
It's the only broken rule
Sometimes I crawl inside of me
Where I can be the fool
On Strange Highways
On Strange Highways

Oh

You can see the other side
And you shall come over
You can't leave the other side
If you say I will

Everytime I climbed the mountain
And it turned into a hill
Well, I promised me
I'd disappear
And now I know I will

So, someone give me blessings
For the times you say I've sinned
So I can crawl inside myself
And ride into the wind
On Strange Highways
On Strange Highways

Questions
They're forbidden
Hey you, what's your number
Oh, we've got no answers
Don't you even wonder

Oh, Strange Highways
Ooh

Pile of Doubt - Green Carnation

I've been badly beaten
But somehow I've stumbled on
And this wonderland you planed for me
Never felt like home
And the more I tried the more I realized

I don't believe in things I cannot see
I've had enough
Don't you understand I'm half the man?
I've said enough
The life I used to live I have left behind
The pile of doubt you had in me
went on to shine I am over
I am gathered, strong unstoppable
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/ZNN ]

You remember how I used to be
You remember a connection so strong
You remember how sweet it was
You remember only you
But the more I tried the more I realized

I don't believe in things I cannot see
I've had enough
Don't you understand I'm half the man?
I've said enough
The life I used to live I have left behind
The pile of doubt you had in me went on to shine

I am over
I am gathered, strong unstoppable

I don't believe in things I cannot see
I've had enough
Don't you understand I'm half the man?
I've said enough
The life I used to live I have left behind
The pile of doubt you had in me went on to shine

Torn - Ark

DO YOU FEEL THE PRESSURE OVERPOWERING
A UNIVERSAL FORCE
ASKING YOU FOR MORE
CUTTING TO THE CORE
AN UNSPEAKABLE SURRENDER

I'M DRIFTING ON A SUMMER WIND
I PRAY TO GOD HERE.I PRAY TO GOD

IN TRANCE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING
DANCING ON A DREAM
ASKING FOR MORE
EYES GETTING SOAR
UNDER THE STARLIGHT

I'M DRIFTING ON A SUMMER WIND
I PRAY TO GOD HERE
THROWN TO THE SUN
NO WARNING CAME
VISIONS OF LIGHT SO CLEAR
BUT I'M TORN

SO MANY PEOPLE FALLING DOWN
FRUSTRATED MASSES CRAWL
THE BLOOD OF THE EARTH
A PLANTED SEED
THE TOLLING OF BELLS REVEALED

I'M DRIFTING ON A SUMMER WIND
I PRAY TO GOD HERE
THROWN TO THE SUN
NO WARNING CAME
VISIONS OF LIGHT SO CLEAR
TORN

Just A Little - Ark

STRANGERS MEETING ON THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH
COMMUNICATING MAKING TRENDS FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
SACRIFICIAL BLEEDINGS FROM THIS WONDERFUL MACHINE
FRANTICALLY CREATING ARTIFICIAL HUMAN BEINGS

MOVING FASTER AS WE KEEP OUR HOPES UP HIGH
MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WILL KNOW THE REASON WHY
ONLY LOVE CAN BRING US FORWARD

WE WON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - WE SHINE SO BRIGHT
'CAUSE WE ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
DANCE UPON THE WORLD - FLY LIKE A BIRD
TOUCH THE SKY AND ONE DAY MAYBE
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY

IN THE TEMPLE OF MISSINFORMATION WE ARE BORN
WARS FOUGHT AND CREATED ALL THE HEROES HAVE COME AND GONE
TRANSCENDING SIGNALS OUTSIDE THIS BIG BALLOON
PLAYING WITH NEEDLES UNDER SHADOWS OF THE MOON

MOVING FASTER AND WE KEEP OUR HOPES UP HIGH
MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WILL KNOW THE REASON WHY
ONLY LOVE CAN BRING US FORWARD
HOLDING HANDS TOGETHER

WE WON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - WE SHINE SO BRIGHT
'CAUSE WE ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
DANCE UPON THE WORLD - FLY LIKE A BIRD
TOUCH THE SKY AND ONE DAY MAYBE
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY

DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - YOU SHINE SO BRIGHT
'CAUSE YOU ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
DANCE UPON THE WORLD - FLY LIKE A BIRD
TOUCH THE SKY AND ONE DAY MAYBE
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - WE SHINE SO BRIGHT
WE ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
WE WON'T GIVE UP - WON'T GIVE UP - WON'T GIVE UP
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY - JUST A LITTLE

Where the Winds Blow - Ark

NOW I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING BABY
YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN
I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND SOUL
KEPT YOU WARM WHEN THE NIGHTS WERE COLD
YOU SAY YOU NEED SOME TIME TO THINK IT OVER
BUT I CAN'T WAIT NO MORE
DOWN THAT LONG WINDING ROAD I'LL GO
RUNNING FAST AIN'T LOOKING BACK

FOLLOW A CLEAR BLUE SKY
ON ALL THE DREAMS I'M DEPENDING
UNTIL THE DAY THAT I DIE
I'LL BE WAITING FOR SUNRISE

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A STRANGE LAND
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY... WOMAN

I KEEP ON PUSHING HARDER
EVERYDAY THE SONG
REMAINS THE SAME

AND I NEVER SEEM TO LEARN
BET MY HEART ON LOVE
NOW I GOT MEMORIES TO BURN
EVERYWHERE I GO THERE IS A TROUBLE
ALWAYS DOUBLE... BABY
SPEND MY TIME DRINKING TOO MUCH WINE

I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE

FOLLOW A CLEAR BLUE SKY
ON ALL THE DREAMS YOU'RE DEPENDING
UNTIL THE DAY THAT I DIE
I'LL BE WAITING FOR SUNRISE

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A STRANGE LAND
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

AND I'M ON THE RUN...

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW...
WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

I KEEP ON PUSHING HARDER BABY

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A STRANGE LAND
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY
WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A FOREIGN LAND
WILL I EVER SEE

Public Pervert - Interpol

If time is a vessel, then learning to love
Might be my way back to sea
The flying, the medal, the turning above
These are just ways to be seen
We all get paid
Yeah some get faith before they die
But the stars we will navigate
Through the holes in your eyes

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?
You and I

Oh, so swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
You move with me, I'll treat you right, baby
May our bodies remain

There is love to be made
So just stay here for this while
Perhaps heart strings resuscitate
The fading sounds of your life

How many days will it take to land
How many ways to reach abandon?
Oh, you and I

So swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
As weak we move, I'll feed you light, baby
May our bodies remain
Oh yeah in history, I'll treat you right, baby
I'm honest that way, hey
Swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain

Dying

2009-01-18T15:04:00.000-08:00

Nightfires burning in the grave
burning, burning, burning
Erstwhile lover venom spits
burning, burning, burning
Lurid evening hints decay
burning, burning, burning

Rising sun to damn the pits
shining, shining, shining
Lighted pyres of the sane
shining, shining, shining
Lighthouse shimmers through the slits
shining, shining, shining

Heart is opening again
bleeding, bleeding,bleeding
Breathing like a new-born child
bleeding, bleeding, bleeding
Ever beating a refrain
bleeding, bleeding, bleeding

Set adrift, the soul grows wild
living, living, living
Loom is spinning gilded thread
living, living, living
Making light with wicked guile
living, living, living

Waxing/Waning

2009-01-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

Cycles. That's what life is, summed up, as far as the procedural side of things.

Recent events have woken in me sensitivities I considered long dead. Persons have this effect in times when I expected the emotional landscape to be rather listless. I now stand corrected, a wiser man or perhaps a far bigger fool than I ever thought possible.

It is a joyous thing, this awakening of feelings; no longer numb inside. Alas, in winning, I also lose. I weep for the pain that I am to feel, perhaps in hopes that I would cry all that must be cried afore the coming of the daggers. It is strange. Strange things happen to this strange man. Is anyone surprised?

A winning loser, for knowing of a certain beauty that is beyond one's reach, for knowing that it was once within one's grasp. Into the tower once more, whence I shall look upon the world and those around me wonderingly. So many paths, so many loves, so many sacrifices.

A two-fold theme, in this time of endings. A two-fold song in the time of reawakening. I am open wide... and I have nothing... and in this emptiness I am tempered... I am again.

There is strange sweetness to our sorrows. Some satiating salvo in sadness. Bittersweet is always better. Unattainables that dance just slightly out of reach. The tangible intangible. The ridiculously simple made complex anew.

Perhaps this thing that became my everlasting moment, this little gift of ourselves to ourselves is but a trifle thing, though poignant in my mind and most certainly in my heart. Perhaps it is the test to a safer, saner route for you. Perhaps it proves the other the true. Jester in the court of mocking that I am, offer nothing, promise nothing, never enough. Court fool yet wise enough to know this endeavor would avail me naught, I must cut this from the root, lest affinities develop any further, most dire in light of the exponential growth of those affections cultivated in candleight and darkness gathered.

So, in an ode of sorts to a non-friend, in acknowledgement of what might once have been should circumstances have played out differently, in recognition of the if's, an everlasting moment, I think this song is fitting.

The Everlasting Moment - Green Carnation

A face will tell you stories
Some hands will always seem to care
The fading light that blurs you mind
You stumble on with your given time

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

You have a thousand reasons
But need only one to justify a cause
No one will ever teach you
The hunger you had slightly out of touch

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

Hey sister, take them with you
Hey brother, hurt will make you strong
Your tears will turn to laughter
A last look back and then your on

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

Wisdom of the Havamal

2009-01-14T16:56:00.000-08:00

I mentioned, in previous post, that I would take the All-father's wisdom to heart, and in my neatly evinced procrastination I indicated my favorite pearls thereof would be posted here. Well, here's a first: I'm actually following through on a promise!

I would think there's no need to explain what these excerps of the Havamal mean. Those interested in learning more of this wonderful text and scandinavian lore in general can follow the hyperlinks scattered on this here post.

A cowardly man
thinks he will ever live,
if warfare he avoids;
but old age will
give him no peace,
though spears may spare him.

All door-ways,
before going forward,
should be looked to;
for difficult it is to know
where foes may sit
within a dwelling.

Taciturn and prudent,
and in war daring
should a king’s children be;
joyous and liberal
every one should be
until the hour of his death

Liberal and brave men live best,
they seldom cherish sorrow;
but a base-minded man
dreads everything;
the niggardly is uneasy even at gifts.

Hotter than fire
love for five days burns
between false friends;
but is quenched
when the sixth day comes,
and friendship is all impaired.

He should early rise,
who another’s property or life
desires to have.
Seldom a sluggish wolf
gets prey,
or a sleeping man victory.

Much too early
I came to many places,
but too late to others;
the beer was drunk,
or not ready:
the disliked seldom hits the moment.

At eve the day is to be praised,
a woman after she is burnt,
a sword after it is proved,
a maid after she is married,
ice after it has passed away,
beer after it is drunk.

In the wind one should hew wood,
in a breeze row out to sea,
in the dark talk with a lass:
many are the eyes of day.
In a ship voyages are to be made,
but a shield is for protection,
a sword for striking,
but a damsel for a kiss.

In a maiden’s words
no one should place faith,
nor in what a woman says;
for on a turning wheel
have their hearts been formed,
and guile in their breasts been laid;

in a creaking bow,
a burning flame,
a yawning wolf,
a chattering crow,
a grunting swine,
a rootless tree,
a waxing wave,
a boiling kettle,
a flying dart,
a falling billow,
a one night’s ice,
a coiled serpent,
a woman’s bed-talk,
or a broken sword,
a bear’s play,
or a royal child,
a sick calf,
a self-willed thrall,
a flattering prophetess,
a corpse newly slain,
(a serene sky,
a laughing lord,
a barking dog,
and a harlot’s grief);
an early sown field
let no one trust,
nor prematurely in a son:
weather rules the field,
and wit the son,
each of which is doubtful;
a brother’s murderer,
though on the high road met,
a half-burnt house,
an over-swift horse,
(a horse is useless,
if a leg be broken),
no man is so confiding
as to trust any of these.

Such is the love of women,
who falsehood meditate,
as if one drove not rough-shod,
on slippery ice,
a spirited tw0-years old
and unbroken horse;
or as in a raging storm
a helmless ship is beaten;
or as if the halt were set to catch
a reindeer in the thawing fell.

Openly I now speak,
because I both sexes know:
unstable are men’s minds towards women;
‘tis then we speak most fair
when we most falsely think:
that deceives even the cautious

The mind only knows
what lies near the heart,
that alone is conscious of our affections.
No disease is worse
to a sensible man
than not to be content with himself.

That I experienced,
when in the reeds I sat,
awaiting my delight.
Body and soul to me
was that discreet maiden:
nevertheless I posses her not.

Many a fair maiden,
when rightly known,
towards men is fickle:
that I experienced,
when that discreet maiden I
strove to seduce:
contumely of every kind
that wily girl
heaped upon me;
nor of that damsel gained I aught.

113. Of runes I heard discourse,
and of things divine,
nor of graving them were they silent,
nor of sage counsels,
at the High One’s hall.
In the High One’s hall.
I thus heard say:

114. I counsel thee, Loddfafnir,
to take advise:
thou wilt profit if thou takest it.
Rise not a night,
unless to explore,
or art compelled to go out.

115. I counsel thee, Loddfafnir,
to take advice,
thou wilt profit if thou takest it.
In an enchantress’s embrace
thou mayest not sleep,
so that in her arms she clasp thee.

116. She will be the cause
that thou carest not
for Thing or prince’s words;
food thou wilt shun
and human joys;
sorrowful wilt thou go to sleep.

117. I counsel thee, etc.
Another’s wife
entice thou never
to secret converse.

118. I counsel thee, etc.
By fell or firth
if thou have to travel,
provide thee well with food.

119. I counsel thee, etc.
A bad man
let thou never
know thy misfortunes;
for from a bad man
thou never wilt obtain
a return for thy good will.

120. I saw mortally
wound a man
a wicked woman’s words;
a false tongue
caused his death,
and most unrighteously.

121. I counsel thee, etc.
If thou knowest thou has a friend,
whom thou well canst trust,
go oft to visit him;
for with brushwood overgrown,
and with high grass,
is the way that no one treads.

122. I counsel thee, etc. -
A good man attract to thee
in pleasant converse;
and salutary speech learn while thou livest.

123. I counsel thee, etc.
With thy friend
be thou never
first to quarrel.
Care gnaws the heart,
if thou to no one canst
thy whole mind disclose.

124. I counsel thee, etc.
Words thou never
shouldst exchange
with a witless fool;

125. for from an ill-conditioned man
thou wilt never get
a return for good;
but a good man will
bring thee favour
by his praise.

126. There is a mingling of affection,
where one can tell
another all his mind.
Everything is better
than being with the deceitful.
He is not another’s friend
who ever says as he says.

127. I counsel thee, etc.
Even in three words
quarrel not with a worse man:
often the better yields,
when the worse strikes.

128. I counsel thee, etc.
Be not a shoemaker,
nor a shaftmaker,
unless for thyself it be;
for a shoe if ill made,
or a shaft if crooked,
will call down evil on thee.

129. I counsel thee, etc.
Wherever of injury thou knowest,
regard that injury as thy own;
and give to thy foes no peace.

130. I counsel thee, etc.
Rejoiced at evil
be thou never;
but let good give thee pleasure.

131. I counsel thee, etc.
In a battle
look not up,
(like swine
the sons of men become)
that men may not fascinate thee.

132. If thou wilt induce a good woman
to pleasant converse,
thou must promise fair,
and hold to it;
no one turns from good if it can be got.

133. I enjoin thee to be wary,
but not over wary;
at drinking be thou most wary,
and with another’s wife;
and thirdly,
that thieves delude thee not.

134. With insult or derision
treat thou never
a guest or wayfarer,
they often little know,
who sit within,
or what race they are who come.

135. Vices and virtues
the sons of mortals bear
in their breasts mingled;
no one is so good
that no failing attends him,
nor so bad as to be good for nothing.

136. At a hoary speaker
laugh thou never;
often is good that which the aged utter,
oft from a shriveled hide
discreet words issue;
from those whose skin is pendent
and decked with scars,
and who go tottering among the vile.

137. I counsel thee, etc.
Rail not at a guest,
nor from thy gate thrust him;
treat well the indigent;
they will speak well of thee.

138. Strong is the bar
that must be raised
to admit all.
Do thou give a penny,
or they will call down on thee
every ill in thy limbs.

139. I counsel thee, etc.
Wherever thou beer drinkest,
invoke to thee the power of earth;
for earth is good against drink,
fire for distempers,
the oak for constipation,
a corn-ear for sorcery
a hall for domestic strife.
In bitter hates invoke the moon;
the biter for bite-injuries is good;
but runes against calamity;
fluid let earth absorb.

Wise, ancient words, some that should be common sense - in itself an oxymoron for it is anything but common - and others that have been written by other wisemen from other cultures, all testament to their verity.

Faaah!

2009-01-14T13:30:00.000-08:00

Ahh, post-relationship clean-up! It is ever so much fun, you know. My day started late, what with some late night hydroponics and disecting of the light-tube and the pretty images espoused therein, I had a deep sleep the kind that veritably renders waking up a herculean task. Woke up with the grogginess of the late sleeper with time enough to shower my 1 year-old daughter, make myself a calorie and protein-rich breakfast shake and go through the watery motions myself. Off to work, where I sit now watching the company's assets on a lackluster day.

Introspection is a privilige and I so love partaking of it. How can growth come otherwise? Necessary though it certainly is, I cannot help but grow weary of this cycle. Somehow, I still have love for the game, for the more primordial part of the rat race, that bases on biology, but it invariably brings with it a plethora of inane processes and conditions which I'd much rather do without.

To wit! What have I learned from the death of this relationship? I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am not fit for the draconian institution of matrimony. I also know myself a lot better for it. Fire tempers good metal, I guess. I think I shall dwell on that a little later and opt instead to vent my disdain and mild frustration regarding the fact that, for all my cynical outlook on life I am still but tender whelp at heart, in a manner of speaking.

I'm going around in circles here!

Easy like Sunday Morning

2009-01-13T16:39:00.000-08:00

The start of a new life, so to speak. The first days of the rest of my life. Catch phrases abound when it comes to poignant moments, but there is very little that can truly advise a person when one is standing at a crossroads in life. Whatever could be said has already been said ad nauseam and nothing new can be effectively brought to the table of life. The very nature of life is what makes it impossible to guide or seek guidance for the decisive moments therein, hence we are bound to the subjective view afforded by experience and judgement, tragically impaired though it may be.

I am leaving both a beautiful thing and a horrible state of being. Bitter-sweet melange trumped by the ennervation of triumph. I am free. My head is above water! I am free.

Easy
The Commodores

Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain
Girl, I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl you know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole and I borrowed

Ooh, that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning

Why in the world would anybody put chains on me?
I've paid my dues to make it
Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be
And Im not happy when I try to fake it yeah

I wanna be high so high
I wanna be free to know the things I do are right
I wanna be free just me oh baby uh

What I have learned from the past year 2008

2009-01-07T19:29:00.000-08:00

I am weak.

Or much weaker than I had hitherto thought. Some things must be done but I cannot but delay these actions, stay my hand, I hesitate for what might be lost to me. Wondering if things are retrievable still, mourning for what surely will be left behind. It is too much for one person to bear and yet it is what all persons do. I am so weak, but where can I draw stength from if I do not find it within myself?

My time is growing short and I am not indestructable.

That last bit some might find funny, but I assure you; I am not kidding. Though we all know at one level or another that we all fallible and fragile, I somehow felt, despite myriad injuries, that I was impervious to most of the illnesses that afflict all men. I now stand corrected. In the past year I've had my first couple of nervous breakdowns, was told I needed to destress or I would surely suffer a stroke or the like, and realized many of my old time annoying medical conditions might be indicative of a greater illness within.

These two things I have learned as the things to correct from my former life. The positive shall be reviewed at a later time.

2008-12-24T19:20:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve 2008. My daughter's a year and 8 days old. My marriage is nearly 3 years old. Life is very different than anything I would have envisioned 5 years ago and yet, somehow, it's very much the same.

Other than the joy of the children and the look of amazement on their faces at the sight of gifts 'neath the xmas tree the date matters little to me in today's context. The end of the roman year does, however, bring the oft dreaded yet much necessary introspection and retrospection that can only be endured by those long-used to administering self-beatings.

Waste your life complaining and pretty soon you'll have done nothing at all and you find yourself standing at death's door. I'd like to think things get better on their own but they rarely - if ever - work that way. It's a shitty world, kids, because we humans make it so. I, for one, intend to break the cycle to the extent of my abilities.

Platitudes will get me nowhere, and more often than not they grate on me, but the fact is sometimes they can be quite inspiring. This year I am taking Odin's advice on living to hart. I'll post the things I think apply better to my world at a later time.

With me Mum doing nothing xmas eve (lunch on xmas day, though), the in-laws out of the country (what gall!) and the festive spirit depleted at my homestead - the kids long since sleeping - I feel like having a romp somewhere I'm loved warmly. The fact that I can't think of a single such place makes me wonder if things in my life have become so fucked that there isn't a single place I can go for spiritual and emotional succor. That and the fact that I don't much care about it, well, make me wonder even more. Change is coming somehow, at a personal and not-quite-so-personal level this year; it is an inevitability. The question I ask is: will I be strong enough to weather it and, furthermore, take charge? I better have the minerals, as they say.

Here's a viddy for your listening and viewing pleasure. Dwell upon it and fathom it's manifold meanings... or whatever.

Return to the Wonderful World of getting one’s head pounded on.

2008-11-13T19:17:00.000-08:00

It had been a good 7 years since I’d last entered Martial Arts competition of any form. The last tournament I participated in was a Shidokan hybrid rules that heavily favored more traditional Kyokushin style fighters rather than the few of us weened on Mixed Martial Arts at the time. In a last minute development, I got to be on the first fight of the day; the organizers had decided to scrap the underage divisions due to lack of participants and went ahead with the lightweight over 18 matches. I hadn’t even warmed up and was listening to my ancient little Walkman when one of my team mates nudged me and told me they’d just called my name over the PA. Surprised as I was, I wasn’t going to show up late to the match and get disqualified for tardiness, so I hauled ass despite the organization’s lack of communication and made it to the mats.
I’ve always hated going up first when it comes to events such as these. It’s not fear of crowds or anything like that – I’ve been a live performing musician for about a decade and shed any such phobias long ago – but I find difficult to get into the right mindset; it is hard for me to get the engine warmed up when I’m kicking off MA events. Usually someone else will start it off and more often than not one of my team mates would be going up before me, I would then draw from the general energy of the people in the venue as well as that of my mates and get warmed up pretty good. However, when one is up first a person has a great deal of added pressures: your team looks upon you to give the best first impression, the crowd expects the first fight to set the tone for the entire day or night, and to top it all off you’ve got your own expectations to contend with (usually the harshest part of it all). It’s always a difficult thing to manage, the minutes – or seconds - leading up to a fight, but to do so when being the opener for the night is an added stress factor that can often make a fighter come psychologically undone.
So there I was, in the first Shidokan tournament in Costa Rica sans the clinch and the grappling (ergo a kyokushin tourney with a different name). I start the fight cold, just going in straight for the guy the way I’d practiced so many times, problem is this isn’t the type of match I usually practiced for. At the time I was a lanky, somewhat tall lightweight whose striking had never been of the devastating variety but more of the speedy stick and move sort, since Muay Thai was my bread and butter as far as stand up went I relied greatly on using elbow and knees when working somebody inside. This proved to be my undoing as I seemed to basically freeze up; every time I was going to throw an elbow or go for the clinch my mind would remind me that these were no-no’s in this context, which obviously impaired my performance. Add to that the fact that the person I was fighting was an experienced Kyokushin with shins like logs who picked me apart with low kicks to my lead leg; he must have hit me right above the knee a good thirty times, the total count of low kicks to that leg in the vicinity of the number fifty. At the end of the first round I knew I needed to change my approach but my mind was still reeling from the pain in my lead leg, so I looked to the guy at my corner, an old team mate who never really trained with diligence but always was around and was there to help with me while my trainer helped my other team mates (given the sudden turn of events). He could offer me nothing but “hit him more”. Sage advice, indeed! I took that pearl of wisdom with me as the second round started. My lead leg had taken such a beating that I couldn’t trust it to support me for kicks with my back leg, much less to lead-in with it, so I decided to use what little boxing I could use within such a limiting set of rules. My straight punches to the chest, delivered in descending trajectory, found their mark and availed me with some hope for a whole of 10 seconds as the referee told me to stop hitting to the face. In my head I wondered simultaneously if he was on drugs of if his understanding of basic human anatomy was fundamentally different than that of the rest of the world, for how could he be calling me for hitting the guy on the face with my fist when they were clearly landing on my opponent’s chest? I was dumbfounded, uselessly trying to plea through my mouthpiece, knowing full well that it would do no good.
My only remaining weapon taken from me by substandard refereeing, I realized that I couldn’t go on much longer. I took a few more hits to the leg and eventually it buckled under my weight. I tried standing and found it has swollen to such a degree that I was having difficulty just bending it so I could stand in a fighting stance. I threw in the towel, fearing that if I took any more low kicks to the lead leg I might be spending the rest of my life in and out of surgery for my knee and shattered femur. I spent the rest of the day tending to my now unbending left leg while I watched as the guy who beat me won the whole thing.
So now I was standing in a small, dark rock & roll club being told at the last minute that I would be fighting first rather than last in an Amateur Full Contact event with hybrid kickboxing/muay thai rules. I couldn’t help but draw a parallel to the last time I’d competed. My mind started racing for a few moments, but I managed to reign it in.
Gloves come on, off comes the shirt and on comes the head-gear. I warm up for a good ten minutes or so and force my mind into keeping cool and focused. I see my opponent warming up a few yards away and try to size him up. He’s shorter but strong-looking; he’s built and might be a handful physically speaking. I shoot glances at him now and then while I throw slow combinations to loosen up. He avoids my gaze every time our eyes lock. I don’t make much of it at the time but in hindsight it may have been that he was somewhat intimidated by me. I continue to look at the man now and then so as to get the idea of him being the target in front of me when the action starts. We’re summoned to the mats, I take my corner and continue to loosen up, trying to keep my cool and focus on the man across from me. They announce my name and my affiliation, which is greeted with loud cheers from the audience, something I did not expect, it surprises me for a fraction of a second as my mind quickly dismisses it in favor of staying on the subject of the imminent dance. The man across me moves a lot for a man about to fight, but that’s just my mind drawing early conclusions about his attitude; he might be nervous, he might be using a little too much energy to warm up, he might be a superhuman specimen that will kick my ass.
The ref is a San Shou expert, or so it’s said over the PA. Looking back I seriously doubt the man ever refereed a full contact match in his life. I tell myself I’m going punish this guy for every hit he gives me; every little tag will have dire consequences. The fight starts, we touch gloves - something that always unnerves me due to the proneness of some fighters to take cheap shots at you when doing this age-old salute – and we begin to circle each other, my brain stops actively thinking and goes into the reptilian state of mind: nothing but instinct and cold, minimal, split second decision making at a seemingly unconscious level, the rest of the world a blur just beyond the edge of my peripheral vision.
What happens afterwards is a very subjective recollection of what transpired, as my brain wasn’t recording on the level of the conscious mind but rather storing everything at a deeper level whereupon it might be drawn from in the future should it be required. I remember thinking my opponent’s kicks weren’t hard at all. I recall getting knocked down from a hit to the head then taking my time getting up for the ten -count, the hit burst both my lower and upper lips on the left side. I remember thinking something along of “what the fuck!? I can’t be done already!” and getting up while assessing if I was too dizzy to continue. Truth be told I was a little rocked but I decided that if I was going to lose I might as well get knocked out cold because I wasn’t about to quit.
Back into the fray, I remember using a few low kicks, wondering just how much damage I was doing to him, then jabbing a little. I recall retreating while countering and him going down. I remember getting stopped for some reason then starting back again and knocking him down with a jab-straight combo. I remember a spin backfist followed by a straight that knocked him down as well. A blocked attempt at a roundhouse. Knocking him down some more. Getting caught on the jaw, right on the right beneath the ear and falling hard, wondering if the pain in my upper molars meant they had been cracked or knocked out of the gums, taking my time to get up, using up the ten-count intelligently, then going back at it, taking it to the guy. I remember trying to look fresh despite the fact that I didn’t feel all that fresh, thinking that I better up my already grueling conditioning workouts some more. In the end I was victorious as my opponent could continue no longer.
I remember feeling a mixture of relief and elation at the fact that I won. I remember feeling that I needed to improve much, much more.
Now that I have seen the video footage of my fight a couple of times I can see the mistakes I knew I made confirmed and some I didn’t intue revealed. I need to improve my footwork a great deal, especially when cutting angles to avoid and retreat. I must remember to keep my head low when retreating as well. I must exploit openings with much more severity. I must improve my pacing and head movement.
I also noticed that the first time I got knocked down it wasn’t because of the punch itself, but of the roundhouse that swiftly follow it. The reason it hit me square on the head was because I reeled rather than rolled from the punch to the kisser and exposed myself horrible. I do feel proud about getting up from that for I have seen many a fighter stay down from such a hit as a roundhouse kick. I have done this to people myself! The second time it was a bit of a lucky shot for the guy. I originally thought it must have been a looping cross of some sort, but it was more akin to a push-punch step that squeezed through my guard, which I have to work on with diligence as well. I also realize that I did better in certain aspects than I gave myself credit for, so it isn’t all too self-critical in the end, I do have positive aspects as a fighter.
After having removed myself from competitive martial arts due to the realities of life, while not leaving the martial arts all together, I deem I have staged a moderately pleasing comeback, one that indicates, in my eyes, that I must still improve greatly and that can only come as the product of superhuman effort and discipline. I now know that I am capable of more than I thought and that I haven’t entirely lost my abilities. I have to fight again in a couple of weeks and must mend a thumb that might be slightly fissured and improve as much as I can on the above mentioned areas of my fighting before that. A test in life is always rewarded by even further testing, for joy is to be derived from the performing of these trials rather than the payoff, for reveling in the payoff brings complacency and self-conceit.

Incoherence Geri

2008-10-26T15:28:00.000-07:00

As worms to flesh gravely
Lush visages tease the head
Edges cutting bark and root
Sightless vision impaired
Water poured in lieu of bread
Meat of goddesses un-bed
Lick the marrow of the fates
The river flows anew
Inching ever closer, dread
Damage must be done
Ailing muses long had fled
A darkling now defuses
Righted wrongs cause further ripples
Mirrored surfaces decline
Offspring on a platform brittle
Flowers bleeding colors lively
Sunken hopes resurface nightly
Arrowhead of knighthood dead
Limping hound has found a morsel
Toxic dreams where faeries wed
Into darker realms of soulscape
Lingering doubts and guilts amass
Throw down garments of subjugation
Cast off ruminating head
Last of unique situations
Rim's edge reached for parties swollen
Lest the norns partake of mead
Seek the path of those befallen
Anger drained, a bear shirt shorn
Wolf brother howling in the night
Routed hunger sent fasting
The hunt will resume under the light
No clandestine machinations wrought
In days of pulcrity the die is cast
One-eyed wisdom calls for caution
Hammer wielder action favors
Mind at toil with cold fervor
Long the priesthood must deliberate
Ice does not thaw quick in darkness
Sun lies hidden beyond the horizon

My lyrics as intended for DCW but no more

2008-03-03T13:19:00.000-08:00

Here's most of the lyrics that would have been on DCW's upcoming EP releases that, due to my exit from the band, are no longer legally to appear on them or to be used in the songs at all.

“ANAMNESIS”

IN A WAKING DREAM
GRASPING ALL THE UNSEEN
UNDER MY MERE GAZE
ALL CREATION ABLAZE

CHORUS:
DEATH TO HUMANITY
DEATH TO DIVINITY
DEATH TO ALL TYRANNIES UNDER THE FLAG OF CIVILIZATION

DEATH TO WAR-MONGERING
DEATH TO SERVILITY
DEATH TO PATHOCRACIES DRIVING THE WORLD TO ANNIHILATION

IT IS THE PATH TO PERFECTION
THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF EXTINCTION

ALL MY PASTS, I’VE SEEN
PEARLS OF WISDOM GLEENED
ALL THE SPHERES ARE TUNED
SOUNDING CERTAIN DOOM

I MUST EAT OF MY FLESH AND DIGEST THE PAST
DEVOUR THE FLESH
DIGEST THE PAST
OUR TIME HERE MUST NOW END SO BALANCE MAY LAST
OUR LIVES MUST END
SO PEACE MAY LAST
LO! THE PIPER, HE CALLS. THE PYRE BURNS BRIGHT
THE PIPER CALLS
HE’S BURNING BRIGHT

IT IS THE PATH TO PERFECTION
THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF EXTINCTION

CHORUS…

THE END OF HUMANITY IS PERFECTION.

“ANGUIS IN HERBA”

SIGHT FAILS MIGHT
TORN BY TIDES
SEAFOAM STAIN
GILDED HIDE
KELOID GROUND
SEPTIC SKIES

CHORUS 1:
GANGLIA SWOLLEN WITH RANK AGENTS
FLORA STRICKEN. RISE EJECTA
AMBLE IDLY IN THE COLD RAIN
RUPTURED MEMBRANE OF AFFECTION
SUTURE QUICK THE DANK INFECTION
VERTIGINOUS CONFLAGRATION
REMNANTS OF A CAROTID TIME
MIND INVADED BY ITS VENOM
DIODE-LIKE WAY TO THE CENTRUM

CHORUS 2:
DENY THE DECAY
DENY THE BLEEDING
ABLAZE, MY INNARDS
ESCONCED, THE POISON
DENY THE TORMENT
DENY THE MISTRUST
HOLLOW IS MY CHEST
IT HEAVES IN UNREST
DENY THE SILENCE
DENY THE SADNESS
THE WELL HAS RUN DRY
THE BURN; THE BILE FLIES

CHORUS 1…

GREY, SLOWLY THE LIFE BURNS AWAY
DECAY UNDERTAKING FLESH IN ITS WAKE
FADE INTO THE BED OF THE EARTH

TAKE THE ROT INSIDE
LEAVE THE TRAPPINGS OF TRUST
SLITHERING BELOW
LIKE THE TEMPTER OF OLD
SINK BENEATH THE WAVES
OF THE ILLNESS NOW THRUST
(AT THE) GATES DEFILED. BEHOLD
NOXIOUS VAPORS IN THRALL

CHORUS 2…

“MADE MY STEAD IN DARKNESS”

BEDAMNED THE SOIL I WALK
THE ROTTEN CARCASS OF EARTH
WITH HEAD HUNG LOW THEY ALL LURCH
MYOPIC DREAMERS GO FORTH
FORLORN AND PINING NO MORE
FUTILE ENDEAVORS ARE CEASED
IN SEEKING TRUTH I HAVE LOST
THE ZEAL OF STRIVING FOR PEACE
WITH HEAD HELD HIGH I NOW MARCH
REGARDLESS OF THE GODS’ WRATH

CHORUS:
I’VE MADE MY PEACE WITH PAIN
I’VE MADE MY PEACE WITH SIN
I’VE MADE DARKNESS MY OWN
I’VE MADE DARKNESS MY HOME

NO MORE I SEEK THE DIVINE
PROSELITISM I SCORN
THE BLISTER FESTERES IN TIME
THE SPINELESS MASSES JUST MOURN
FAITHLESS, THE CHURCH HAS NO SPINE
RAPISTS AND MURDERERS, GOAT-SWORN!

CHORUS…

EMBRACE THE ROLLING CHAOS
FOLLOW THE WANDERER’S ROUGH PATH
SWALLOW THE BITTEREST PILL
CONSCIOUSNESS, THE WINE IS SPILLED
WITH HEAD HIGH YOU AND I WALK
REGARDLESS OF THE GOAT’S WRATH

“THE KINGDOM OF SELF”

ALL OF THE THINGS WE HAVE MADE TURN TO ASHES
(WE) DIE EVERYDAY. WASTE AWAY… TO OBLIVION
(WE) FALL PREY TO PAIN AND DISMAY FILLS OUR BLEAK HEARTS
I SEEK TO RISE, BREAK THROUGH SUBJUGATION
SCORN PROMISES, LIVE THROUGH HATE INTO CLEAR SIGHT
TREAD SUBTLE WAVES, THOUGHTS AFLAME, SELF-AWARENESS

MAKE WAY! NEW SOUL TODAY!
MAKE WAY! YOUR STRENGTH MUST NEVER WANE!

CHORUS:
MAKE YOUR STAND! YOU’RE DEADER EVERY DAY
BREAK AWAY! GO ON AND MAKE YOUR STAND
SHED THE PAIN LIKE SO MUCH DEAD SKIN
STRENGTH WITHIN. ONE CAN SURVIVE THE STRAIN.

(HEY)

RISE! HOWL IN RAGE AT THE WORLD, BRING IT ALL DOWN
LIVE! OVERCOME! FOCUS NOW, MAKE IT ALL COUNT
BLEED FOR YOUR DREAMS, SACRIFICE FOR TOMORROW
TAKE (YOUR) WEAKNESSES, MAKE THEM SHARP LIKE A SWITCHBLADE

CHORUS…

(HEY)

LAST LINE TO GET RID OF THE PAIN
LAST TIME I FALL PREY TO DISDAIN
NO MORE TIME TO MEDITATE
THIS IS THE TIME TO PROLIFERATE

“THE VOICE OF ATTRITION”

I WILL POISON EVERY CHILD’S MIND; POUR VENOM IN THEIR EARS
AND GRANT SIGHT TO THE IGNORANT AND BLIND.

IN EVERY CHILD A POTENTIAL MURDERER
THE MARK OF CAIN IS OUR DAILY FODDER
THIEF OF WARMTH, YOU WHO RAPES AND SO SIRES
THE SEED OF PAIN IN THESE FAITHLESS MYRES
SPINELESS MONGREL, ‘TIS YOUR VILE REFLECTION
THE WEIGHT OF YOUR SINS IN MY INFLECTIONS

CHORUS:
IN THE PYRE SEEK MY FIRE FEEL MY DIRE NEED TO BREAK YOUR SPINE
IN MY INSIDES DEVIANT DESIGNS, THERE THEY RESIDE, FOR YOU RELEASED
MY HATE UNLEASHED, YOUR SOUL BEREAVED. YOUR HIDE IS BLEACHED BY BLOODY FISTS
YOU ARE A CIST, A STREAM OF PISS. COME HITHER PIG, I’LL MAKE YOU BLEED

I WILL NOT PURGE ANY OF THEIR SINS
BUT WHEN THEY ARE TRULY BROKEN, THEN THEY SHALL SEE.

COME MEET YOUR FATE
I’LL TAKE YOU TO HELL
COME, STATE YOUR CRIMES
SEEK THE ARMS OF DEATH TONIGHT
BY WHAT YOU’VE PERPETRATED
SO SHALL I MAIM YOU
SWINE, DWELL IN YOUR OWN FILTH
IT IS I WHO CLAIMS YOU.

FOR EVERY WOMAN AND CHILD DEFILED
I NOW AVOW TO FEED TO THE FIRE
OF SHARP REVENGE AND OF RETRIBUTION
THE COWARD BRUTE WHO WOULD SEEK SECLUSION
COME FACE ME, SCUM, DANCE WITHIN THE CIRCLE
WHERE BONES SHALL BREAK, FOOL. DOES YOUR BLOOD CURDLE?

CHORUS…

DEATH IS SLOW FOR YOU. MY HATE WILL SEE YOU THROUGH.
PLEAD TO EMPTY SKIES AS YOUR BODY DIES.

CHORUS B
BLEED, STUCK PIG! CRY, YOU RANK CUNT!
COME, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! BLEED. DIE, SLUG!

BLEEDING HEARTS: CAUTERIZE YOUR WOUNDS AND SHUT YOUR PETTY MOUTHS.
I JUDGE AS I SEE FIT, LET THE GODS SORT ME OUT.

THE WORLD IS MADE OF FIRE

LIFE IS CHANGE
LIFE IS STRANGE
LIFE IS PAIN

BREATHING FATE
ROILING STATE
TRI-OCULAR STRAIN

STUNTED BRAINS
ONE-TIERED PLANES
ENDLESS RANGE

THOUGHTS COMING AT THE EYE
FATE TRICKLES INSIDE, I SEE TIME CRAWLING
LIGHT FLICKERS IN THE NIGHT
OH, SUCH WICKEDNESS IT BELIES, IT MAKES THE STORM SING
TREAD HEAVY ON THE TIDE; NEVERMIND THE AEONS CALLING
PAIN MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE

IGNITING FROM WITHIN
SLAVES TO FORCES UNSEEN
BELIEVING LIES UPON LIES
SHED THESE TRAPPINGS OF SHAME

THOUGHTS COMING AT THE EYE
FATE TRICKLES INSIDE, I SEE TIME CRAWLING
LIGHT FLICKERS IN THE NIGHT
OH, SUCH WICKEDNESS IT BELIES, IT MAKES THE STORM SING
TREAD HEAVY ON THE TIDE; NEVERMIND THE AEONS CALLING
PAIN MAKES YOU FEEL ALIVE

HATE IS SANE
SAINTHOOD’S STAIN
LIES IN-VEIN

BEGGAR’S BANE
KING’S ARCANE
KNOTS OF FAME

RUPTURED FRAME
SLITHERING DAME
A COSMOS INSANE

LURID LIVES, LURID DAYS
OCEANS DRY IN YOUR SWAY
ONANIST FERAL WAY

LITTLE WEBS BURNING TIES
IN THE SEAMS OF YOUR LIES
WE RECITE TO DERIDE

EAGER PATH TO THE HOARD
SPLIT THE TITHE OF YOUR LORD
LITTLE LIVES TO AFFORD THIS CHARADE OF ERSTWHILE

FLACCID LIES, FLACID LIVES
WORTHELESS SPECK IN THE MIND
FLACCID LIES, FLACID LIVES

RISE AGAIN TO THE CALL
MAGMA CHURNS IN YOUR CORE
RISE AGAIN TO THE CALL

NATURE’S FORCE IS THE LAW
BEAT YOUR FISTS, BEAT’EM RAW
NATURE’S FORCE IS YOUR LAW

FIRE CALLS; REASON DIES
IN THE PIT OF YOUR MIND
SOAR ABLAZE IN THE SKY
(X2)

AH, WE ARE NO MORE THAN DUST AND BREATH AND FALTERING THOUGHT
SO WEEPING EVERMORE THE FILTH IS WASHED AWAY
SORE, BLEEDING EVERMORE FOR GLORE, FOR DEATH
DREAM-WROUGHT
LORD OF NONE YET ALL
FIRE, SUCH FIRE CONSUMES ALL THAT LIVES AND BREATHES AND CRAWLS

“THE RAT’S WHISPER”

“SHOULD YOU A RAT TO MADNESS TEASE, WHY E’VN A RAT MAY PLAGUE YOU”
- SAMUEL COLLERIDGE

BEHIND MY EYES YOU’LL FIND THE WILL
TO TAME THE FROTH OF HATE, OF WRATH

CHORUS:
BLOOD OF SAINTS IN MY VEINS
DYING GODS IN THE SKIES
THROUGH MY FLESH HEED THE DEAD

THE ROILING MASS LIKE MELTING GLASS
THEIR PAIN SUBSUMED AND IRE ASSUMED

CHORUS…

ILLUMINATE THE WORLD WITH HATE
NOW RISE TO FATE AND LIFE ABATE

OUT OF MY MIND AND GONE INTO THE VOID
THROUGH DEATH AND BROKEN LINES, OUT OF THE STORM
EVE OF THE CYCLE’S END. WELCOME CATASTROPHE
EARTH’S CRIES TO SILENCE FALL LIKE EMBERS TO THE SEA

CHORUS…

THROUGHOUT THE MASS OF THOUGHT
IS FOUND THE CRACK, THE WEAKNESS
IN MAN’S FUTILE EXISTENCE
THE BANE OF PEACE AND ORDER
RABID, THE HISS, IT CALLS!

IT CALLS!
IT CALLS!

“WHERE GOD AND ANGEL FELL”

FADED, WARPED ANCESTRAL MEMORIES
FEARS ALLAYED; FAITH IN EXTREMIS
BLOATED INEFFECTUAL POINTIFFS
STONED IN MIND AND STRIPPED OF OFFICE
RETARDATION OF THE MASSES
THROUGH THE RITUALS BLIGHTING CLASSES

THE EDGE OF OUR SIGHT
SUCH VISION BELIES THE SECRETS OF A BLIGHTED WORLD
THE SPECTERS OF LIGHT,
THE SHADOWS AT PLAY; WHAT DOES OUR VIEW AVAIL AT ALL?
AND BURROWED WITHIN THE CORE OF OUR BEING
THE WICKED TRUTH REMAINS UNSEEN
THE EFFLUENT STREAM OF PHILOSOPHIES
A TRICKLE OF ABSURDITY
WHAT LITTLE REMAINS OF PIETY AND FAITH
IS WASHED OUT IN A LURID PHASE
WHEN DEATH REACHES FORTH TO PLUCK YOUR RANK YEW
WHAT DO YOU THINK WILL THEN ENSUE?

THROUGH THE PORTALS OF DEMENTIA
SEEK THE DIVINE IN ESSENTIA
IN THE CREVICE OF THE VERSES
LIES THE ROOT OF ALL OUR PURPOSE

CHORUS 1:
VERSUS CHRISTUS
WE’RE THE PROPITIATORS OF DARK BENEDICTION
ANTE BELLUM
GNOSIS IS WITHIN US TO TRANSCEND DAMNATION

WELKIN IS RUMBLING LOUDLY
BELLOWS, THE SEA NOW CHURNING
HEARKEN! THE MADMAN’S LANGUAGE
STAB AT THE LIVER LIVELY
SILENCE THE TONGUE UNBOUND AND
FRACTURE THE WRITER’S TOOL
CHASTISE THE LOWLY PROPHET
CROWNING THE COWARD FOOL

CHORUS 2:
BARK AT THE LIGHT
BAY AT THE NIGHT
HARK AT THE SIGHT
CRY OUT IN FRIGHT

CHORUS 1…

CHORUS 2…

Still two lyrics to come.

Morning Yearning

2008-02-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have pilfered this title from a Ben Harper song which I just listened to and I can only say that it’s the most beautiful song I’ve heard in a good long time. Furthermore, the actual video for it was directed by the recently deceased Heath Ledger. This makes it all the more poignant and significant in my mind. It’s truly a tragic episode, the death of this man who espoused so much untapped potential still. Another thing that has touched me about this song and all related to it is that this is the kind of music I really want to make. I guess I’ll still dabble in the odd heavy project and what not, but I need to create emotive aural art and not music that’s hard for the sake of hardness.

That is all for now.

“Morning Yearning” Ben Harper

A finger' s touch upon my lips
It' s a morning yearning
Pull the curtains shut, try to keep it dark
But the sun is burning

The world awakens on the run
And will soon be earning
With hopes of better days to come
It' s a morning yearning

Another day, another chance to get it right
Must I still be learning
Baby crying kept us up all night
With her morning yearning

Like a summer rose, I'm a victim of the fall
But I'm soon returning
Your love' s the warmest place the sun ever shines
My morning yearning

A New Page Full of Possibilities

2008-01-29T12:45:00.000-08:00

I find myself nearly a month from the start of this year 2008 with abject indifference and marooned in a bank of procrastination. I seem to have little motivation even though I feel a burning desire to arrive somewhere with my myriad machinations and schemes; my ever-growing plethora of stillborn ideas.

I have come to know the greatest feeling I will ever feel and that is being a father. I hold my infant daughter in my arms and feel overwhelmed. I have no words to apply to this new barrage of feelings, this literal storm of emotions that has ravaged my twisted little coal-of-a-heart. Those beautiful little baby eyes looking straight at me ha wrought what no other person or thing ever could in my measly twenty seven years of questionable life. I belong to this child. Freedom be damned, I belong to my baby girl!

I need to get my act together, so to speak, and finally produce something of worth for the sake of actually achieving something in this life beyond shooting my mouth off and criticizing the works of those who’ve actually contributed something to the collective consciousness of the world.

I have left what was once my partial brainchild, my musical endeavor of nearly 8 years, in order to internalize my growth. I feel spiritually impoverished and artistically unfulfilled. For the sake of truth, I feel I have long outgrown my former band mates (that’s not to say I am more mature) in my artistic views and we have diverged for long time now. It was only fitting that I make the call and leave them to grow in the fashion they see fit rather than wrestle them at every turn on what must be dawn and be used as some sort of scapegoat for the collective failure that may or may not be at hand. Perhaps I shall get to see the band grow from a distance, such as a flower from a seed I once planted but eventually neglected to water, effectively becoming its own being – in an egregorial sense – and taking ideas that I inseminated it with beyond anything I may have ever conceived in my addled mind.

I seek to become a renaissance man. The elusive ideal of the multifaceted artiste, proficient and passionate in various fields of human expression and forever immortalized in the minds of the people… A daunting task, perhaps, but what I truly seek is to feel self-fulfilled.

I will collect here the lyrics which I had produced for my former band; I have since decided not to let them use them. It is obviously selfish of me, but I do not wish another to sing my songs that I have not chosen. I couldn’t bare the thought of another being ignorantly credited with the words I have crafted, whether they are of any quality or not. Much like the egregore known as the Hexacorn or Six-Horn, which my dear friend Allen, former keyboardist of the same band, and I crafted into the bands psyche, all intellectual concepts in the band had their birth within my head. I cannot, in good faith, take all from them as that would be effectively butchering the band, but I can, however, take the words that would have been.

If I put the time and manage to come through, The Veil will be released for all to see… or all those willing to see, at the least.

Absence makes the heart cry murder...

2007-12-06T15:23:00.000-08:00

For lack of a better one - and therein lack of a proper rhyme! - the above is the title to today's post.

I've been absent from my blogs for a while now. Not that anyone really cares, for that matter, but I always return. What that says about my character, I'd rather not ponder.

These are six word stories. In a trend (I guess?) started by Mr. Hemingway himself at someone else's request, I have stolen these 6 word stories from several different spots (WIRED) and hand picked the one's that I found to be particularly appealing to me.

Will I indulge myself and attemp such a feat as managing to ecompass a story with a mere 6 words? I doubt it. After all, Hemingway did call his personal confection his "best work ever". Surely, from all the mini-stories below, you'll find his to be the most striking of all.

"For sale: baby shoes, never worn."
- Ernest Hemingway

We went solar; sun went nova.
- Ken MacLeod

Lie detector eyeglasses perfected: Civilization collapses.
- Richard Powers

I’m dead. I’ve missed you. Kiss … ?
- Neil Gaiman

I’m your future, child. Don’t cry.
- Stephen Baxter

It cost too much, staying human.
- Bruce Sterling

Epitaph: Foolish humans, never escaped Earth.
- Vernor Vinge

Wasted day. Wasted life. Dessert, please.
- Steven Meretzky

Vacuum collision. Orbits diverge. Farewell, love.
- David Brin

Longed for him. Got him. Shit.
- Margaret Atwood

His penis snapped off; he’s pregnant!
- Rudy Rucker

From torched skyscrapers, men grew wings.
- Gregory Maguire

New genes demand expression -- third eye.
- Greg Bear

Batman Sues Batsignal: Demands Trademark Royalties.
- Cory Doctorow

Heaven falls. Details at eleven.
- Robert Jordan

God to Earth: “Cry more, noobs!”
- Marc Laidlaw

I saw, darling, but do lie.
- Orson Scott Card

Weeping, Bush misheard Cheney’s deathbed advice.
- Gregory Maguire

Dorothy: "Fuck it, I'll stay here."
- Steven Meretzky

Have at you, fargnaglets!

Nice things....

2007-07-10T08:53:00.000-07:00

All Things Pointless

All things pointless
All things stale
All things rotten, moldy and pale

All things poignant
All things fresh
All things great and magnificent

All things pointless
All things wail
All things whine and bruise and grow cold

All things wither
All things brittle
All things fade and wash away

Friends

They all deride
They all erode
They all debase me

Paranoia is a reflection of reality
Depression a byproduct of banality
Obsession a sparkle of insanity
Schizoid-ness a staple of triviality

They all plot and slander
They all cackle and scheme
They all smell of the grave
As they suckle their dream

I am bleeding profusely
Myriad gashes and wounds
A mosaic of flagellation
To whet the stone

Looping process of tedium
As the prophets of gloom ensue
They let me build up slowly
To swiftly bring me down anew

Do I, too, fall to the sway of this rhythm
That makes us all bastards and finks?

Song of the post

Title: Mosquito Song

Album: Songs for the Deaf

Artist: Queens of the Stone Age

I know, I know the sun is hot
Mosquitos come suck your blood
Leave you there
All alone just skin and bone
When you walk among the trees
Listening to the leaves
The further I go the less I know
The less I know

Where will you run?
Where will you hide?
Lullabies
To paralyze

Fat and soft, pink and weak
Foot and thigh, tongue and cheek
You know I'm told they swallow you whole
Skin and bone
Cutting boards and hanging hooks
Bloody knives, cooking books
Promising you won't feel a thing
At all

Swallow and chew
Eat you alive
All of us food that hasn't died
And the light says

Somehow they pick and pluck
Tenderize bone to dust
The sweetest grease, finest meat you'll ever taste
Taste, taste
So you scream, whine, and yell
Supple sounds of dinner bells
We all will feed the worms and trees So don't be shy

Swallow and chew
Eat you alive
All of us food that hasn't died

Listless Grey Ensues

2007-05-18T15:24:00.000-07:00

Listening to Dispossession by Katatonia… the first chords evoke memories of my first days at the old room in my mum’s house. Heartbroken and seemingly in love with my miserable state; positively intoxicated with the lingering gloom that made those days – in hindsight – ever so significant.

How different, the sadness that plagued me then, and yet so similar. Tired of feeling, tired of caring, tired of having little choice but to live through my emotions. Tired of myself. The same yet not, for seemingly different reasons, of the same nature.

I feel broken and disheartened. Reasons for joy marred by irrational idiocy of those I have – perhaps feebly – deemed worthy of my love.

Trying not to turn into self-hatred, as I would back then. I’m not that stupid anymore. No. I’m just unbelievably tired. Drained. Dead.

I’m in a vicious cycle of my own devising; the gears of this mechanism rusting into a prison of contempt.

Linger as the dead do, I wish I could. Linger as a brown, withered leaf adrift on running water, at the mercy of the currents and content to go swiftly to my compost heap.

Holographic?

2007-01-22T14:30:00.000-08:00

Am I now becoming awake?
Am I now picking from out the air
The very essence of the divine?
The hidden is revealed, I sense,
In finding center in my self
Within, without, withal
To see and not see
Be and not be
Be alive.

What senses avail me mean all
Yet nothing
What imagination avails me…
That is questionable at best
But wherefore do I sense this now?
Is it the need for peace,
That need for balance,
That propels me ever forward in the same place?
Perhaps in all directions at once
Never leaving on point in the universe.
In one, all is found.

Dare I dream?
Or is dreaming counterproductive?
Be at peace
Be at ease
Be as nothing

I'm a Liger!?

2007-01-19T11:07:00.000-08:00

Incoherence Thurz

2007-01-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

Worming through the icy ground
Fertile infertile; gagged and bound
Evening crawls like so many scarabs
On the skin of the vestal scab
Taste it on your lips anon
Like the sentient soma
Abridging the aether in the act
Of hiding in the open forgotten facts
Soothsayer, clairvoyant
Can you read my mind from lofty heights?
Can you see my soul without fright?
Dare you?

Infantile
Facsimile
Asinine
Florid
Break me off a piece of lurid
Hoard it in the small of your back
Let it fester in the dark
Bring out for joyous occasions
Bring it out, for dark liaisons

Resolve
Obstinate
Obdurate
Opportune
Play on me another tune

Sleepless

2007-01-18T15:21:00.000-08:00

Sleepless
No whispers, no noises, no pain
No anger, no sadness, no strain

Pointless
This rising each morning to
Become but a speck in the blue

Sleepless
Dreaming the dreary dreams
Pulling at the tattered seams

A life less ordinary?

2006-10-24T11:39:00.000-07:00

After months of dubious progression one seems to have made a breakthrough. Let us hope this is a thing of permanency and not ephemeral at all.

I order anyone who reads this to go to www.theyesmen.org ASAP and get a good load of what's wrong in the world and the deviously ingenious ways in which some people are trying to make a change. Subversiveness is the key to making the world a better place.

Surely you would expect more from me at this junction. Sadly, I am not in a verbose phase. My verbal frugality is all I adhere to now as I look to remake certain aspects of my life yet again. Always in upheaval I am, it seems.

All father grant me sight and wisdom. Thor hallow my endeavors.

Lyrics for the day

2006-09-22T16:07:00.000-07:00

Wake Up
Lyrics by Layne Staley
Music by Staley, McCready, Martin, Saunders

Wake up young man, it's time to wake up
Your love affair has got to go
For 10 long years, for 10 long years
The leaves to rake up
Slow suicide's no way to go, oh
Blue, clouded grey
You're not a crack up
Dizzy and weakened by the haze
Moving onward
So an infection not a phase
Yeah, oh

The cracks and lines from where you gave up
They make an easy man to read, oh
For all the times you let them bleed you
For little peace from God you plead, and beg
For little peace from God you plead
Ahhaahh, Yeah, Ahhaahh, Yeah, Ahhaahh, Yeah

Wake up young man, wake up, wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up
Oh, yeah

Wake up young man, it's time to wake up
Your love affair has got to go, yeah
For 10 long years, for 10 long years,
The leaves to rake up
Slow suicide's no way to go, oh
Slow suicide's no way to go
Wake up, wake up, wake up
Wake up, wake up, wake up

River Of Deceit
Lyrics by Layne Staley
Music by Staley, McCready, Martin, Saunders

My pain is self-chosen
At least, so The Prophet says
I could either burn
Or cut off my pride and buy some time
A head full of lies is the weight, tied to my waist

The River of Deceit pulls down, oh oh
The only direction we flow is down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down

My pain is self-chosen
At least I believe it to be
I could either drown
Or pull off my skin and swim to shore
Now I can grow a beautiful shell for all to see

The River of Deceit pulls down, yeah
The only direction we flow is down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down
Down, oh down

The pain is self-chosen, yeah
Our pain is self-chosen

Mad World by Tears for Fears

All around me are familiar faces
Worn out places, worn out faces
Bright and early for their daily races
Going nowhere, going nowhere
And their tears are filling up their glasses
No expression, no expression
Hide my head I want to drown my sorrow
No tommorow, no tommorow
And I find it kind of funny
I find it kind of sad
The dreams in which I'm dying
Are the best I've ever had
I find it hard to tell you
'Cos I find it hard to take
When people run in circles
It's a very, very
Mad World
Children waiting for the day they feel good
Happy Birthday, Happy Birthday
Made to feel the way that every child should
Sit and listen, sit and listen
Went to school and I was very nervous
No one knew me, no one knew me
Hello teacher tell me what's my lesson
Look right through me, look right through me

Gates In Passing

2006-09-22T15:00:00.000-07:00

I know what it is now,
I doubt what it once was
I feel bereft of mirth
For the gate that I must pass

That which I thought was true
Is truly all a lie
I have little to show but grue
Beneath the mottled sky

I’ll cry, I know, for I do feel
Truly, what I know I do
And nothing, save the deepest sleep
Will make me up anew

This ends with the taste of ashes
This ends with the flesh stained
This fills me with a leaden heart
My sense of trust is maimed

Devoid of any further hope
For love and light, undone,
Can bring no solace to me now
To cleanse this turpid con

I cannot see the sun
My eyes refuse to see!
The blinding light of truth
In this dank menagerie

I am naught but a pauper
A jester beheaded again
I am not but a bottom-feeder
With nothing to attain

Unlikable and un-liked
Unlovable and un-loved
Unfulfilled and unimportant
Un-sewn and utterly ignorant

I live a lie not wanting
To accept the bitter truth
That for all I could love someone
That someone won’t come through

So bitter and despondent
Unfettered and unwise
My mind remains transfixed
With the sparkle of twin stars

My rhyme bedraggle yet again
My prose so clearly unapt
I must now part ways with this fair court
And walk the path again.

Numbness

2006-09-18T15:59:00.000-07:00

I don’t like my face today
I don’t like my self today
I don’t like anything today
I just don’t like today

Someone pummel me
Beat me down
Let me fall into darkness
And unfeeling drown

I don’t like the color gray
I don’t like the flag in sway
I don’t like the sunny ray
I just don’t like today

Futility/Inability

2006-09-07T16:41:00.000-07:00

I heave in unrest and despair
At the substance unknown in the air
With both hope and rage unbridled
With both fear and woe I’m stifled
What little have I to offer
In light of the grandest other
When my petty endeavor is
Scant more than a fleeting wisp
In the wind that wracks my limbs?
A tree quite rotten, untrimmed
The very essence of my work
Pales in the view of the fork
In the road I have traveled
To reach this lightless hovel
What do I have to show
For the mind’s dimming glow?
All these years of toil
All but for my plans to foil
The gleam in my eye is spent
The spine of my tower, bent
In disdainful throes of absurdity
For the sake of this monstrosity
Rend my mind from my useless body
And leave me a sculpture bloody

The Voice of Treason

2006-05-01T09:26:00.000-07:00

Have I betrayed or am I betrayed?
Wherefore do I ponder thus
Whether I am at fault or not?

A snake in the grass is found
By the disturbing of the blades
Not its hiss or venomous bliss.

In turpitude I revel unhinged,
Cackling. What am I to believe
If truth is circumvented forsooth?

Leer I at your consorts unknowing.
Sneer at your smile that in its light hoards.
Leeching my will with touch so still.

Tease my heart with crows' feathers.
Rend my trust as I have yours.
But do you see in in me your fault in deed?

Only 64%!?!?!?

2006-01-17T14:35:00.000-08:00

I am 64% Asshole/Bitch.

I am abrasive, some people really hate me, but there may be a group of other tight knit assholes and bitches that I can hang out with and get me. Everybody else? Fuck ‘em.

Take the
Asshole/Bitch Test
@ FualiDotCom

name acronym?

2006-01-04T11:56:00.000-08:00

A	Appealing
L	Lazy
B	Beautiful
E	Entertaining
R	Refined
T	Trustworthy
O	Odd

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

nickname acronym...

2006-01-04T11:53:00.000-08:00

B	Bright
R	Realistic
O	Odd
K	Keen
E	Exhausting
N	Natural
C	Careful
L	Lazy
A	Ambivalent
V	Vigorous
I	Influential
C	Courageous
L	Loving
E	Exciting

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

What music genre am I?

2005-12-27T17:51:00.000-08:00

You scored as metal.

metal

95%

grunge

60%

industrial

60%

rap

45%

Indie

45%

classic rock

40%

reggae

35%

Punk

35%

country

30%

mainstream rock

30%

ska

25%

Pop Punk

10%

Pop

Emo

what breed of music are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

Blissful.

2005-11-02T20:00:00.000-08:00

Lightheartedness fills me. Elation. A certain feeling of peace. A feeling of place and belonging. Such feelings as I've never felt before and some that were once old friends that I'm becoming reacquainted with.

It's because of a girl. A woman, I should say. Truly a woman. One as I've never known before. And I am more than glad.

To her, I would say this as a little introduction to my erractic ways. However, she's already somewhat familiar with them... and yet, her love for me grows, still. I am joyous and still clinging to some disbelief, if only to keep me sane. Once again, this I would say to her:

"I got wiring loose inside my head I got books that I never ever read I got secrets in my garden shed I got a scar where all my urges bled I got people underneath my bed I got a place where all my dreams are dead" (Porcupine Tree's "Blackest Eyes")

I am, perhaps for the first time in my life, genuinely happy.

Creature of the night...

2005-09-29T16:17:00.000-07:00

Your a werewolf which is cool cuz' you can
shapeshift.people treat you like the predator
you are and stay away from you.You love the
moon and never turn down a good hunt.You can
control the change when you want.

Your saying:I'm dark like the night but beatiful
like the moon.

What creature of darkness or you?(COOL PICS)
brought to you by Quizilla

What tarot card...

2005-09-29T16:01:00.000-07:00

You are the Temperance card. Temperance is the
blending of elements to produce stability. We
say that someone is temperate when they are
pleasant and easy going. Temperance achieves
balance through merging, so a temperate person
is one who feels whole. Creative genius is
often found in the ability to unite two
previously unconnected ideas. Aleister Crowley
considers this one of the most important facets
of this card and names the card Art. He refers
to a generation of a third element out of two
previously existing elements. In the same way,
the artist has the ability to create a painting
from canvas and some tubes of coloured paint.
The temperate person is also inclined to think
about philosophy. Temperance leads to a calm
and rational logic but can also look beyond
everyday knowledge for the truth. Image from
The Stone Tarot deck.
http://hometown.aol.com/newtarotdeck/

Which Tarot Card Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

What animal...

2005-09-29T15:47:00.000-07:00

What Is Your Animal Personality?
brought to you by Quizilla

Sickly Gleeful

2005-09-29T13:21:00.000-07:00

I'm sick right now. Yeah. The body aches to the bone. Throat ablaze as if caressed by burning coals. Dizzy; feeling as if in a dream. But I'm particularly happy and I'm not entirely sure why. Well, yes I do... but I do not know the totality of the cause of my happiness. Which does not faze me at all. I feel that, despite all it's negative aspects, sickness is necessary. Not to lend contrast, that's a rather blasse notion. No. Quite simply, it is a state to be enjoyed. So long as the disease is not of the terminal or crippling persuasion, that is.

Well... not much to say here today.

Owarimashita!

Anguis In Herba

2005-09-06T17:10:00.000-07:00

In latin, Anguis In Herba translates as "a snake in the grass".

Funny how so many people are hypocrites. They smile to one's face and visit one's house. They belong to one's circle of friends yet they spill lies and slander when one is not present. The nerve? No. Not nerve, but cowardice. Nothing but spineless rumor-monging. Should one face them, they will deny and decry one as the offender. Should they be backed into a corner, finding themselves lacking a means of escape or of refutal, they turn violent - that is, should they have any bravado left to stand up to the object of their lies - and bitter. Venomous. But unlike a snake - a much maligned creature - they do not attack only when threatened or tread upon. No. They are scum and know it. Therefore they seek to corrode the bases of all around them for no other purpose than to debase them. One has no need for such worthless beings. One should cast them away; banish them from one's presence. Call them out for their lies and have them flee. Or should they stand and dispute, behead their egos and maim their bodies. How else to deal with such scurge?

One must rid oneself of unhealthy ties. One must rid one's loved ones of unhealthy ties. One must behead all monsters. If the creator gave us the tools, why not employ them?

Of a mind to create pain.

2005-08-30T18:51:00.000-07:00

People don't seem to realize that every single thing they do carries over a great amount of reactions and consequences. So, I'll keep this one short.

To anybody who so much as threatens anyone I care about: I will break everything and everyone they love.

The above is no threat, but a guarantee. I will spare no effort nor material wealth I may possess. It is my right and duty to destroy anyone I perceive as a threat. The law is meaningless... the law is an impairment. Am I above the law? I don't care about it.

"Whoever appeals to the law against his fellow man is either a fool or a coward. Whoever cannot take care of himself without that law is both. For a wounded man shall say to his assailant, "If I live I will kill you, if I die you are forgiven". Such is the Rule of Honor." -Omerta/Lamb of God

Tempered

2005-08-24T16:13:00.000-07:00

I

Bide my time, I shall
Become as a winter freeze
To chill the dread ones

II

Bide my time, I shall
Sharpen my hate with white fire
To burn away sin

III

Bide my time, I shall
Temper my wrath into steel
To cleave their rank flesh

IV

Bide my time, I must
Bury my disgust inside
To exhume enraged

V

Bide my time, I must
Break them all with glee and lust
Piece them apart soon

The Weight Inside

2005-08-22T18:34:00.000-07:00

I've been given a burden, one I must keep forever within me.
Heavier than the knowledge of all my life so far.
Heavier than all of my gravest sins as one.

The burden sets me apart from the world.
The burden makes me as one with another.
Silence will be my way of honoring this confidence.

My silence is sacred; boon of my word.
Silence is not inaction; not peace;
Not absence of reaction.

I must act lest I rot from within.
I must inflict the full weight of my anger
Upon those deserving.

My creed

2005-08-22T17:43:00.000-07:00

I would like to start off my brand-spankin' new blog with the set of beliefs by which I have chosen to live my life. You may consider this an introduction of sorts, if you will, to how my mind ticks. A rather brief introduction, nothing more.When asked about my religion I answer that I consider myself to be an agnostic. This, I believe, is the truth. It may leave a great deal of my beliefs out, but it is the term that comes closest to properly describing the way I see this character most know as God. So how exactly do I view the possibility of God's existence? With indifference. After several years of driving my atrofied little mind to the extent of it's limited capabilities in deep thought, I have come to the conclusion that God's existence doesn't change a single variable in anyone's life. If He/She exists, one's life remains essentially the same. If not, the same applies. Furthermore, if it were that God does exist, the question one should ask - the question that should really matter - is: Does God care? Does God care about each and every single living creature? Does God, at the very least, care about the human race as a whole? Does God care about that which we call "Universe" at all? Well, why should any of us care about God?

Religion. What a wretched thing it is. Do not misunderstand or make the mistake of thinking of Religion as being the same thing as Faith. Faith, on one hand, is quite an admirable thing. Many, many things can be accomplished through faith; "impossible" feats have been wrought through nothing but faith and conviction. Whereas Faith is an admirable "virtue", Religion is an abominable invention. In my eyes - and judging by the evidence we get from history and current events - Religion is nothing other than a means by which to control the masses. I've tried to believe, as a child; tried to embrace a doctrine out of the many I found. Needless to say, they all failed to suffice. The void remains unfilled. So I no longer seek refuge in a set of beliefs.Not only am I an instinctually irreligious person. I am a mysanthropist at heart. A closet anti-humanist. I hate humanity and I hate being human. I despise every single human being. It's nothing personal... or perhaps it is all too personal. Of all the creatures on this tiny speck of dust we call Earth, the Human animal is the cruelest of all. Oh, I'm quite sure you've heard that before. But have you given it proper thought? Think of every single person that is dear to you. Has any single one of them not been hurt or abused in some way? Animals, they act in self defense; it's self-preservation. Humanity hurts for sport. I despise you all. My mother, my father, my sister, my friends, every single woman I have loved. All of them I despise. I hate humanity. Thus, I hate myself. If I were to be given the power to obliterate humanity from the planet I wouldn't think twice. Every mother, every child. Humanity. Bold words? Perhaps, but I see no other path. Humanity will drive itself to extinction... and the entire world along with it.

Alas, I do not posses such power. Therefore, I must do what I can. If I could have every rapist, every thief, every abuser, every warmongering, selfserving, loveless piece of human scurge come to me... If I could call each and every single one out, I would spend my life bringing them pain and the realization that they are less than filth... death as a reprieve from suffering in hopes that I send them to whatever hell may await them.

I vow to poison every willing ear, every child, every mind, with my words; with my thoughts; with my hate. Though my love for all things living is great... No: BECAUSE my love for all things living is great.

Here ends today's quaint diatribe. I've run out of time, not fodder. Much to the world's dismay, I may very well post again.

Today's lyrics:"Silent Night Fever" by Dimension Zero

Written words that fell from grace
unmasked to show its solemn face
thrills is (are) born beneath our skies
fear is shown where evil lies

In my deep eternal darkness
I'm reaching for the edge
cant hold on much longer
I shed my final tears

SILENT - Is the air I breathe
NIGHT - Has now been feeding me
FEVER - Has been brought to you
SILENT NIGHT FEVER - MADNESS IS MY BELIEVER

Shadows reap these dirty walls
the demons laugh as his consciousness falls
they feast upon the grey and cold
unleashes the unleashable, now your story is told

In my deep eternal darkness
I'm reaching for the edge
cant hold on much longer
I shed my final tears

madness is my believer
MY BELIEVER

Gnosis.

2005-08-17T19:15:00.000-07:00

gno·sis (n s s)n.
Intuitive apprehension of spiritual truths, an esoteric form of knowledge sought by the Gnostics.

[Greek gn sis, knowledge, from gign skein, to know. See gn - in Indo-European Roots.]

Self-knowledge. How well do you know yourself? I believe we should always ponder this. Every day of our lives, without fail, we should attempt to decipher the enigma we are to ourselves. It would certainly make one’s life easier; honesty to one’s self.

How well do I know myself? Well, perhaps there’s no concise answer to this query. Though I’ve religiously spent countless hours questioning myself, my every action and all the possible motives behind these, I feel no closer to knowing myself than I did ten years ago.

It isn’t all wasted time, however. Far from it! I believe I have embraced certain truths about my character that may help me improve many aspects of my inner being. I will delve into these “truths” for the sake, not only of clarity, but that of sating my mind’s desire to see things set down in words. So what exactly do I think I know about myself?

Truth Number One: I am an idiot.

Yes, I am, indeed, an idiot. An idiot or any other word considered derogatory to my intellectual capabilities. By embracing this as a truth I believe I can successfully prevent myself from committing any particularly stupid actions. By accepting the fact that I am quite imbecilic, I guarantee that I will always have a part of me watching out for any possible chances wherein stupidity may be incurred. To those who might read this, this truth will serve as a warning of sorts. Be prepared, for I may do inane things for no apparent reason while in my head I’ll probably think they are genius. If you have the grave misfortune of knowing me personally, please point these things out. I may not have the presence of mind to know I am being a complete sod.

Truth Number Two: I am unnecessarily complicated.

I have a tendency to overextend myself. How so? It is a habit of mine to make things so much more elaborate than they need to be. Not only that, but I also take on many, many things simultaneously, thus ensuring mediocre performance in every single one of my endeavors.

Truth Number Three: I am generally indifferent to pretty much everything.

Perhaps I should say “outwardly indifferent”. It is not that I don’t care, but simply that I really don’t see the point in caring too much about anything (with a few special exceptions, of course). I wouldn’t consider myself to be a bad friend altogether, but I am a rather inconstant one at that. I tend to disappear from time to time. Sometimes for particularly extended periods only to reappear as if nothing’s happened later on.

Yes, I know this makes me come across as an asshole… which may be all too true. Well, I’ll cut this entry short and continue with my myriad “personal truths” at another time.

Adieu.

Smarmy!!!

2005-08-16T13:48:00.000-07:00

First post. Nothing more... yeah.