That's right. I fucking hate the carrot. It just dangles there in front of me, never any closer despite it's whispered promises and veiled insinuations. Beta-carotene temptress, I confound you!
Every morning we wake to follow the races and pay out the gains as the song so succinctly says. Every day it's the same parade of manure with no seeming end in sight. Dreams to follow, sullied and trampled in the dirt. We keep them alive but it's hard to clean them off and continue to labor on them. We are pathetic and yet strive for greatness on a daily basis, struggling through self-loathing that can only come from honest artistic vision.
Fuck you, Carrot! The only satisfaction I have is that if one day, by some ironic twist of fate I actually catch you, I'll eat you and excrete you. That's right, you pompous, supercilious bastard!
*SIGH* I hate you, Carrot.
Someone Else - Queensryche
When I fell from grace I never realized
How deep the flood was around me
A man whose life was toil was like a kettle left to boil
And the water left these scars on me
The chains I wore were mine, dragging me towards my fate
Planned for me long ago
I played by all their rules, went to their right schools
Who was I to question?
They used to say I was nowhere man
Heading down was my destiny
But yesterday I swear that was
Someone Else not me
Here I stand at the crossroad's edge
Afraid to reach out for eternity
One step when I look down
I see someone else, not me
I know now who I am, if only for awhile
I recognize the changes
I feel like I did, before the magic wore thin
And the baptism of stains began
Sacrifice, the always say... is a sign of nobility
But where does one draw the line in the face of injury?
I'm just trying to understand
Standing here at the crossroad's edge
Looking down at what I used to be
A drowning man, trying to stay afloat
Heavy with the past, but somehow keeping hope
That there's something more that is seen
But it's somewhere out of reach
So I keep looking back
Looking back and I see someone else
All my life they said I was going down
But I'm still standing stronger proud
And today I know, there's so much more I can be
I think I finally understand
From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone Else, not me.
I keep looking back at Someone Else... me?
Friday, March 27, 2009
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
As Sweet as a Baby's Smile
Is there something you can say that is absolutely genuine and pure? An expresion of human feeling that is thoroughly devoid of ulterior motive and negativy? What show of emotion could be as whole and overwhelming?
A baby's smile. I muse over this subject because of my experience with my little treasure, my 1 year old daughter. Over the course of her little life so far I've been constantly amazed and left nigh breathless with her tiniest discoveries, with her minute to minute triumphs and hardships. Every little thing that she does, her reactions and general demeanor fill me with such happiness that I wonder if anyone ever has felt such bliss. But the one gesture, the one expression that trumps it all - or perhaps the one at the heart of such wonderful a creature - is her smile. A baby's smile. Such a seemingly simple thing, yet one never done justice by the fascimile of photography, as one cannot possibly experience it's sheer magnitude without the buildup, the peek and the ebb, seconds though it might take, as it is this motion, a dance of infantile muscles, that takes one's breath away. There is no single facial expression filled with such unbridled joy at life as that of a baby's smile. No single motion so hopeful and bright.
Last night I visited my daughter as she had gotten four vaccines for her 1-year-&-3-months earlier in the day. She's a brave little thing, hardly a tear shed where other children would weep openly for minutes on end. The moment I walked into the room, as she lay on the bed watching the television, her face lit up upon seeing me. This smile that warms my heart despite the fever brought on by the vaccines and the pain in her limbs no deterrent to the happiness I can bring to her life, the happiness that so characterizes this child. She makes me feel like, even if all else is lost to me and all my hopes and dreams are laid low, I can be useful by lighting up that face with my love.
A baby's smile. Nothing's sweeter than a baby's smile.
A baby's smile. I muse over this subject because of my experience with my little treasure, my 1 year old daughter. Over the course of her little life so far I've been constantly amazed and left nigh breathless with her tiniest discoveries, with her minute to minute triumphs and hardships. Every little thing that she does, her reactions and general demeanor fill me with such happiness that I wonder if anyone ever has felt such bliss. But the one gesture, the one expression that trumps it all - or perhaps the one at the heart of such wonderful a creature - is her smile. A baby's smile. Such a seemingly simple thing, yet one never done justice by the fascimile of photography, as one cannot possibly experience it's sheer magnitude without the buildup, the peek and the ebb, seconds though it might take, as it is this motion, a dance of infantile muscles, that takes one's breath away. There is no single facial expression filled with such unbridled joy at life as that of a baby's smile. No single motion so hopeful and bright.
Last night I visited my daughter as she had gotten four vaccines for her 1-year-&-3-months earlier in the day. She's a brave little thing, hardly a tear shed where other children would weep openly for minutes on end. The moment I walked into the room, as she lay on the bed watching the television, her face lit up upon seeing me. This smile that warms my heart despite the fever brought on by the vaccines and the pain in her limbs no deterrent to the happiness I can bring to her life, the happiness that so characterizes this child. She makes me feel like, even if all else is lost to me and all my hopes and dreams are laid low, I can be useful by lighting up that face with my love.
A baby's smile. Nothing's sweeter than a baby's smile.
Monday, March 23, 2009
Syzygy
I unravel.
This past week has been emotionally momentous. My heart is alive with conflicting emotions and running the gamut from beatiful to horrible as far as feelings go. One moment I feel like nothing is wrong with my world, the next I'm feeling miserably dejected and stoically apathetic. Good things have happened, but good things also complicate the already complicated mosaic of thought within me.
Peolple once thought of as falling within a certain subjective category within the social schemes of one's own sphere suddenly shift onto a different strata, making one reasses how events and relationships might have evolved to that point. Like a crash in slow motion, a glacier inexorably moving towards a drifting ship, I ingored signs I would otherwise pick up on to seize and rather attributed them to other, more innocently intentioned origins. Semi-fraternal affections preventing one from objectively viewing a friend's behavioral patterns and therefore letting things grow by way of inaction, to some degree.
Not a bad thing at all. No. But a complicated one, should things grow, as they are so oftenly wont, out of the confines of the realm of the reasonable. Is there danger of such a thing occurring? Yes, the danger is not only possible but highly probable. Will this person know how I truly am and be able to accept me accordingly? No one's been found yet that might actually match this requirement.
Things might be best left to linger a little, ignoring the issue of permanence and that of feelings beyond the here-and-now. Focus only lighting on the bliss to be derived from the ephemeral nature of these things and the intensity with which one feels as these things come. The object of my interest, so to speak, will be leaving on a potentially permanent journey of sorts. A reason for both joy and sorrow - is anything with me ever clear cut on one side of the spectrum? - as my heart has not entirely found it's home again and this sudden burst of fire within has caused a major conflagration. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, much less a person such as this. Sorrow, though, for the knowledge that timing has once again taken the best of me. Serendipity, causality, whatever. It all converges in this dance of emotions and desires, of thought and action conflicting, warring, subsiding and subversively rising up again. This person will leave and, the gods willing, find her raison-d'etre, her north in life. Whether I'm anywhere in there in the near future or far, a trifle matter that surely concerns powers higher than mine. My hopes? I don't even know them sometimes.
Hence the nature of our current arrangement. I'm a nice note, a paragraph in a chapter of a person's book. One fondly remembered for life? That may be more than most can hope for. Do I truly want to be something more significant in another person's life? It's scary to think of it. It terrifies me. I was significant, or so I thought, not so long ago. Alas, I mistook "useful" for "significant" and branded myself a monumental fool. I don't think I can be significant for anyone any time soon. I can be meaningful, that I most certainly can be. Meaningful and ephemeral, yet everlasting and unsullied. A memory shining in the distance, which light may warm the holder in times of struggle and adversity. I can be meaningful.
It is frustrating, to be in this state, within. Like I'm only a half-person. Incomplete, inadequate, neither here nor there. A fleshly ghost. Wherefore do I haunt?
This past week has been emotionally momentous. My heart is alive with conflicting emotions and running the gamut from beatiful to horrible as far as feelings go. One moment I feel like nothing is wrong with my world, the next I'm feeling miserably dejected and stoically apathetic. Good things have happened, but good things also complicate the already complicated mosaic of thought within me.
Peolple once thought of as falling within a certain subjective category within the social schemes of one's own sphere suddenly shift onto a different strata, making one reasses how events and relationships might have evolved to that point. Like a crash in slow motion, a glacier inexorably moving towards a drifting ship, I ingored signs I would otherwise pick up on to seize and rather attributed them to other, more innocently intentioned origins. Semi-fraternal affections preventing one from objectively viewing a friend's behavioral patterns and therefore letting things grow by way of inaction, to some degree.
Not a bad thing at all. No. But a complicated one, should things grow, as they are so oftenly wont, out of the confines of the realm of the reasonable. Is there danger of such a thing occurring? Yes, the danger is not only possible but highly probable. Will this person know how I truly am and be able to accept me accordingly? No one's been found yet that might actually match this requirement.
Things might be best left to linger a little, ignoring the issue of permanence and that of feelings beyond the here-and-now. Focus only lighting on the bliss to be derived from the ephemeral nature of these things and the intensity with which one feels as these things come. The object of my interest, so to speak, will be leaving on a potentially permanent journey of sorts. A reason for both joy and sorrow - is anything with me ever clear cut on one side of the spectrum? - as my heart has not entirely found it's home again and this sudden burst of fire within has caused a major conflagration. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, much less a person such as this. Sorrow, though, for the knowledge that timing has once again taken the best of me. Serendipity, causality, whatever. It all converges in this dance of emotions and desires, of thought and action conflicting, warring, subsiding and subversively rising up again. This person will leave and, the gods willing, find her raison-d'etre, her north in life. Whether I'm anywhere in there in the near future or far, a trifle matter that surely concerns powers higher than mine. My hopes? I don't even know them sometimes.
Hence the nature of our current arrangement. I'm a nice note, a paragraph in a chapter of a person's book. One fondly remembered for life? That may be more than most can hope for. Do I truly want to be something more significant in another person's life? It's scary to think of it. It terrifies me. I was significant, or so I thought, not so long ago. Alas, I mistook "useful" for "significant" and branded myself a monumental fool. I don't think I can be significant for anyone any time soon. I can be meaningful, that I most certainly can be. Meaningful and ephemeral, yet everlasting and unsullied. A memory shining in the distance, which light may warm the holder in times of struggle and adversity. I can be meaningful.
It is frustrating, to be in this state, within. Like I'm only a half-person. Incomplete, inadequate, neither here nor there. A fleshly ghost. Wherefore do I haunt?
Thursday, March 05, 2009
Shotgun Shenanigans
It's been about two weeks since I had a nice shotgun pulled on me from a nondescript dark automobile with dark tinted windows with the intetion of taking the worldly belonging which I happened to carry in my trusty old backpack at a little past midnight on a Monday. Oddly enough, I didn't seem to panic; I actually looked at the shotgun and its wielder without stopping and hissed derogatorily - almost despectively! -, did and odd jump/step (perhaps as if to run) and kept on walking, thinking to myself that I was going to get shot in the back at any moment. A number of things confabulated into saving my skinny white ass from dying and getting robbed. First, my reaction (or near lack thereof) must have put a chink in the would-be robbers' armor, their aggressiveness thwarted momentarily by my impervious visage, surely they must have been dumbfounded by my indiference to their phallus-substitute and primitive and otherwise peremptory barks. Second, a nightwatchman - one without a weapon, mind you -, roused by my intented tormentors' yelling, came to see what was going on, yelling "Que esta pasando aqui!" (what's going on here!), this called attention from the staff at an all-night gas station some 50 feet away, which would factor into my Third saving factor. Now, the watchman, seeing the shotgun, dove behind a parked car, I walked by past him, sparing him a look and a smile and asking "What was that about!?" motioning with my head towards the thugs behind me. I made my way to the gas station where a friend was waiting for me while he pumped some air into his car tires and told the man with some disbelief "you know, I think they just pulled a shotgun on me..."
It's been strange month; not the nicest span of time lately, what with being sick back-to-back (intestinal infection, throat infection, nasty coughs and the removal of a wisdom tooth) and in-your-face evidence of this country's social decay, I'm feeling strangely lucky despite my maladies. I'm just luckier than ever to be alive, that much I know. Should I buy a lotto ticket or something?
In any case, some lyrics for the day, below.
Walking On The Moon - sting
Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could live together
Walking on, walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Feet they hardly touch the ground
Walking on the moon
My feet dont hardly make no sound
Walking on, walking on the moon
Some may say
Im wishing my days away, no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play
Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could be together
Walking on, walking on the moon
Some may say
Im wishing my days away no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play
Slave To The Grind - Skid Row
You got me forced to crack
My lids in two
Im still stuck inside this rubber room
I gotta punch the clock that
Leads the blind
Im just another gear in the assembly
Line - oh no
The noose gets tighter around
My throat
But I aint at the end of my rope cause
I wont be the one left behind
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Get it?
A routine injection, a lethal dose
But my day in the sun aint even close
Theres no need to waste
Your prayers on me
You better mark my words
cause im history
Yes indeed
You might beg for mercy to get by
But id rather tear this thorn
From my side
I wont be the one left behind
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide
They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide
I wont be the one left behind
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
I said slave to the grind
Slave to the grind
Slave to the grind
Helloween
If I Could Fly lyrics
No fear, no pain
Nobody left to blame
I'll try alone
Make destiny my own
I learn to free my mind
Myself I now must find
Once more
Once more
Refrén:
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
So here I am
In solitude I stand
I've got dreams inside I need to realize
My faith has grown
No fear of the unknown
No more
No more
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly
If I could fly
If I could, if I could, fly
If I could, if I could, fly If I could,
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly
It's been strange month; not the nicest span of time lately, what with being sick back-to-back (intestinal infection, throat infection, nasty coughs and the removal of a wisdom tooth) and in-your-face evidence of this country's social decay, I'm feeling strangely lucky despite my maladies. I'm just luckier than ever to be alive, that much I know. Should I buy a lotto ticket or something?
In any case, some lyrics for the day, below.
Walking On The Moon - sting
Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could live together
Walking on, walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Feet they hardly touch the ground
Walking on the moon
My feet dont hardly make no sound
Walking on, walking on the moon
Some may say
Im wishing my days away, no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play
Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could be together
Walking on, walking on the moon
Some may say
Im wishing my days away no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play
Slave To The Grind - Skid Row
You got me forced to crack
My lids in two
Im still stuck inside this rubber room
I gotta punch the clock that
Leads the blind
Im just another gear in the assembly
Line - oh no
The noose gets tighter around
My throat
But I aint at the end of my rope cause
I wont be the one left behind
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Get it?
A routine injection, a lethal dose
But my day in the sun aint even close
Theres no need to waste
Your prayers on me
You better mark my words
cause im history
Yes indeed
You might beg for mercy to get by
But id rather tear this thorn
From my side
I wont be the one left behind
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide
They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide
I wont be the one left behind
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
I said slave to the grind
Slave to the grind
Slave to the grind
Helloween
If I Could Fly lyrics
No fear, no pain
Nobody left to blame
I'll try alone
Make destiny my own
I learn to free my mind
Myself I now must find
Once more
Once more
Refrén:
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
So here I am
In solitude I stand
I've got dreams inside I need to realize
My faith has grown
No fear of the unknown
No more
No more
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly
If I could fly
If I could, if I could, fly
If I could, if I could, fly If I could,
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)