Need/Want

Living the nightcrawler's life for a couple of weeks. I run form one side to another, run around in circles, getting nowhere; a futile endeavor. Perhaps I know this? Perhaps somewhere in my innermost core I understand that this will lead me nowhere. My oscillating attentions, ebbing and flowing in a mercurial dance, may not take me down a path of discovery but rather one of stunted emotional evolution...

I think I might fall again. Let run without clear guidance, I feel I falter on my way.

Good things come to me, often enough, when I open myself to them. Much self-doubt has sabotaged the oportunities of life that have come my way, some of them. Now and then I do make the most of the deuces thrown my way, sometimes all too well...

I feel like wandering. I feel like finding all things I lost and those I've never had. I feel like being a river. I feel like coccooning. I feel like going forth on in time.

Wanderlust - The Delays

Can you hear that knocking in your soul
No, you don't listen
Can you hear that knocking overload
No, you don't listen

Never see the high beyond the low
No wonder, you lay twitching
Do you share the rush to be alone
Come over, we'll go missing
We'll go where there's no snow
We'll go and they won't know
Just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do do do do ah ah ah
Can you hear that knocking in your soul
No, you don't listen
We'll go where there's no snow
Just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do do do do ah ah ah
Just please don't give me your word

All that matters is the music tonight
Just please don't give me your,
All that matters is the music tonight,

But you don't listen

So, we'll go running, running til we start again
Yeah we'll run, we'll run away
Yeah, we'll go running, running til we start again
Yeah we'll run, we'll run away
Yeah, we'll go running, running til we start again
And we'll run, we'll run away

Droning

It's four in the morning and i'm staring at the computer screens at work. Been getting into an alternate wavelenght in my brain throughout the night so as to manage the insane monotony of the graveyard shift. Should have been writing tonight, but I fear I am victim to my own expectations... so I am purging tonight. Getting rid of the bad vibes, of my crutches and failings, of my goals and expectations. I must simply do things for the sake of doing them, not for the possible outcomes.

The mind darts to and fro in the throes of cannabinoidal schisms, a mental paroxysm seemingly unending. I think on everybody, and remember even things long suppressed and forgotten, and more amazingly glimpse strange life forms and truths of reality. Insight, the kind that is almost palpably difficult to hold within the confines of one's mind. That is how I know I am in the deepest phase of the trip. But most people don't trip with this stuff. Most people just vegetate. In my case, the mind cannot be stopped, it runs unbridled into the darkest, strangest corners of the universe...

Life is interesting. It is very strange, also. It is very much a bunch of ado about something we assume and hope lies beyond the toll booth at the end of the mortal coil. But it is interesting.

I wanted sedation, I got said sedation. Other things desired but I know I'm not ready. But, oh, it smarts, the loneliness, the vacuous sea of silence. It smarts yet somehow it is comforting.

The the.

Sleepy after an evening of nightshifting; the first night of a handful I am to labor within this schedule. Not particularly productive beyond the scope of my intended tasks for the night but I will be enjoying the final writing bits of my my script later on tonight after all my workmates have gone home to sleep or out to cavort and frolick among the fields of ethanolian delights. Bacchus be with them!

Not much to relate in general. Bored, yet not. Machinations regarding people I am interested in though I know better than to start messing about now that I've this goal set clear in my mind: creative productivity. This could be hindered by the above mentioned machinations. Not good. Not entirely bad, but not good.

Looking forward to hitting the sack in my immediate future. A night full of pushups and pistols should help create enough fatigue so that my body and mind will have no choice but to succumb to slumber.