Sleeper deep the well is filling
Nightly whispers heart is healing
Breaking skin the wolf has fallen
Moon is free from its pursuit
Lightly kissing worm-ridden bed
Enter the head of the ones long forgotten
To the bitter's end the boat must go
Dreamer foretells peaceful smiles
To the bitter end the fool must row
Hanging on the ice floe
Spans of giants the hills have made
Now in truth the fallen grow
Reaching further up the sky
Swollen core infects the sty
Primordial soup of pure emotion
Bifrost bridge lies further North
To the bitter's end the captain calls
Dreamer foretells wistful nights
To the bitter end the fool must stall
Hinting at the fall
Spires onirical into ruins turned
There, below, the molten wall
Reaching further down the line
Intravenous desire unwinds
Allusion to the love ad hoc
Prurient, sleepless, thoughts amok
No embrace but the earth mother's
Or the oceanic maiden's, our flesh to devour
Itching to burn, burning to fire
Sightless, salacious; the vigil deflowered
Tortures to visit upon the most dire
To the bitter's end with wind in sail
Dreamer foretells unending plight
To the bitter end the fool lest he fail
My Grave - Psychotic Waltz
they're cracking the cross where they hammer the nail
pennies they laid on the windows that failed
not really gone, but I'm so far away
all of your prayers cried at once all too late
once you fall down, end the round
end the round
shades of my dark hour light where I lay
someone I don't know is passing my way
don't want to go, but I can't really stay
now I wait for this no one to take me away
given to the ground
end the round
tears are falling down
given to the ground
end the round
drums of the death marchers
drone through the day
the funeral flowers macabre disarray
fall to the tears and the dirt where they lay
now they've all come at once
and they've all come too late
given to the ground
end the round, end the round
end the round, end the round
end the round, end the round now
end the round, end the round
end the round
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Musings...
I've been cavorting all over the place with friends, savoring the joys of the nightlife and reaping the benefits of catering to certain people's tastes in aesthetics. I have done some overindulgence and slept little. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I have, also, despite my heavy involvement in the myriad activities of the night, been able to observe and analyze as I am often wont.
I watch the people, the bar and club denizens, the socially alcoholic patrons looking to fill their nights and forget their days, and wonder at how we all live lie upon lie. I am earnestly trying to shed every persona I have created, bringing my self closer to transparency and freeing it of guile.
I see the many who attempt to save face because of fears long obsolete about what people will think of them. I myself have felt the anguish and fear but have managed, over the years, to tame it and let self-assurance be the armor against the judgements of the crowd. Self-assurance and happiness, contentedness, some modicum of inner peace.
Some people try to come off as the better dealt when deals of social interaction are struck in order to maintain certain appearances reigned-in, the far reaching consequences of popular opinion causing much worry in their minds. It is almost comically tragic. I call it cute, the word delivered in a state of pregnancy; nine full months of mordacity-laden intention.
I no longer play those games, though to play the overall game one must resort to certain psychological stratagems such that one might be regarded as conniving, machiavelian even. Knowing that these things have certain effects on people and using them basically as attitude adjustments so that one can get what one seeks.
I wish, with all my soul, that we could do away with all these little fibs.
I watch the people, the bar and club denizens, the socially alcoholic patrons looking to fill their nights and forget their days, and wonder at how we all live lie upon lie. I am earnestly trying to shed every persona I have created, bringing my self closer to transparency and freeing it of guile.
I see the many who attempt to save face because of fears long obsolete about what people will think of them. I myself have felt the anguish and fear but have managed, over the years, to tame it and let self-assurance be the armor against the judgements of the crowd. Self-assurance and happiness, contentedness, some modicum of inner peace.
Some people try to come off as the better dealt when deals of social interaction are struck in order to maintain certain appearances reigned-in, the far reaching consequences of popular opinion causing much worry in their minds. It is almost comically tragic. I call it cute, the word delivered in a state of pregnancy; nine full months of mordacity-laden intention.
I no longer play those games, though to play the overall game one must resort to certain psychological stratagems such that one might be regarded as conniving, machiavelian even. Knowing that these things have certain effects on people and using them basically as attitude adjustments so that one can get what one seeks.
I wish, with all my soul, that we could do away with all these little fibs.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The nature of love 1.0
Hello boyols and goyols.
Today I've spent a somewhat significant amount of my waking hours musing on my behavior of late, which led me down to how relationships work, into how they grow disfunctional and finally into the nature of jealousy as one of the greatest problems in any era in this, our so-called civilization.
On Relationships.
It's odd and horribly imbalanced, this push and pull, this game of interest and lack thereof, which rules our lives. Human interaction is a difficult ritual in and of itself, but when special interests are created - spawned might be a better word - most become fumbling idiots, men and women, prey to the wiles of the chemistry of our oft maligned brains.
Push and pull. At the root, one of the greatest issues with men and women engaging in romantically inclined interaction is the balance that must be struck as far as shows of interest are concerned. All too often, women find it unappealing when a man shows open interest, viewing it - whether consciously or subconsciously, I do not know - as a sign of weakness. In a world where the sensible rules and the logical is the norm, open shows of interest, unabashed and unhindered by emotional barriers, would be good thing. Only in this bizarre little world of ours is being genuinely interested in someone a show of weakness. God-forbid we ever choose someone because they are honestly interested in us as persons.
It is sad; that we must guard ourselves so and wear these masks, assume these personas, just for the chance to maybe, one day, show our true selves, which might drive the other person away from us in shock at how different we are. A grand hypocrisy, this.
On Jealousy.
I found this piece which, personally, I find to be one of the best written articles on jealousy and its origin. I thought I might be becoming jealous, something worrying given the fact that I am far from a territorial person that way. So I began researching what I could find on that particular behavior. To my great relief, I am not jealous yet, at least not by the accepted definition. I seek not to punish, ever, or to hurt. My intentions are qualified as pure enough. The following excerps I found to be very incisive.
"They many not be able, nor ought they to be expected, to receive the choice of the loved one into the intimacy of their lives, but that does not give either one the right to deny the necessity of the attraction."
"to look upon people who can love more than one person as perverse or abnormal is to be very ignorant indeed."
"With love, in all its variability and changeability, fettered and cramped, it is small wonder if jealousy arises out of it. What else but pettiness, meanness, suspicion, and rancor can come when a man and wife are officially held together with the formula "from now on you are one in body and spirit." Just take any couple tied together in such a manner, dependent upon each other for every thought and feeling, without an outside interest or desire, and ask yourself whether such a relation must not become hateful and unbearable in time."
"The theory that man is a product of conditions has led only to indifference and to a sluggish acquiescence in these conditions."
"Anguish over the loss of love or a nonreciprocated love among people who are capable of high and fine thoughts will never make a person coarse. Those who are sensitive and fine have only to ask themselves whether they can tolerate any obligatory relation, and an emphatic no would be the reply. But most people continue to live near each other although they have long ceased to live with each other---a life fertile enough for the operation of jealousy, whose methods go all the way from opening private correspondence to murder. Compared with such horrors, open adultery seems an act of courage and liberation."
"Each is a small cosmos in himself, engrossed in his own thoughts and ideas. It is glorious and poetic if these two worlds meet in freedom and equality. Even if this lasts but a short time it is already worthwhile"
The full text is here and it is quite enlightening. I greatly recommend it.
The lyric for todays recommended listening are close to my heart on many levels and I find that it aptly describes the first issue I touched upon today, especially the line "If love is blind I think I'll buy myself a cane". I hope my disjointed thought process today has not translated into an altogether unreadable piece of slop.
Locomotive - Guns n Roses
GONNA FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS LONELINESS
YEAH I'LL FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS PAIN
IF I SAID THAT YOU'RE MY FRIEND
AND OUR LOVE WOULD NEVER END
HOW LONG BEFORE I HAD YOUR TRUST AGAIN
I OPENED UP THE DOORS WHEN IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE
HOPIN' THAT YOU'D FIND YOUR OWN WAY IN
BUT HOW CAN I PROTECT YOU
OR TRY NOT TO NEGLECT YOU
WHEN YOU WON'T TAKE THE LOVE I HAVE TO GIVE
I BROUGHT ME AN ILLUSION
AN I PUT IT ON THE WALL
I LET IT FILL MY HEAD WITH DREAMS
AND I HAD TO HAVE THEM ALL
BUT OH THE TASTE IS NEVER SO SWEET
AS WHAT YOU'D BELIEVE IT IS...
WELL I GUESS IT NEVER IS
IT'S THESE PREJUDICED ILLUSIONS
THAT PUMP THE BLOOD
TO THE HEART OF THE BIZ
YOU KNOW THAT I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT IT COULD TAKE SO LONG
YOU KNOW I NEVER KNEW HOW TO BE STRONG
YEAH, I LET YOU SHAPE ME
BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH YOU RAPED ME
'CAUSE YOU CLIMBED INSIDE MY WORLD
AND IN MY SONGS
SO NOW I'VE CLOSED THE DOOR
TO KEEP THE COLD OUTSIDE
SEEMS SOMEHOW I'VE FOUND THE WILL TO LIVE
BUT HOW CAN I FORGET YOU
OR TRY NOT TO REJECT YOU
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT TAKES TIME TO FORGIVE
SWEETNESS IS A VIRTUE
AND YOU LOST YOUR VIRTUE LONG AGO
YOU KNOW I'D LIKE TO HURT YOU
BUT MY CONSCIENCE ALWAYS TELLS ME NO
YOU COULD SELL YOUR BODY ON THE STREET
TO ANYONE WHOM YOU MIGHT MEET
WHO'D LOVE TO TRY AND GET INSIDE
AND BUST YOUR INNOCENCE OPEN WIDE
'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO
GONNA HAVE SOME FUN WITH MY FRUSTRATION
GONNA WATCH THE BIG SCREEN IN MY HEAD
I'D RATHER TAKE A DETOUR
'CAUSE THIS ROAD AIN'T GETTIN' CLEARER
YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT HAS CUT ME OFF AGAIN
BETTER TAME THAT BOY 'CAUSE HE'S A WILD ONE
BETTER TAME THAT BOY FOR HE'S A MAN
SWEETHEART DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
YOU'S GETTIN' TOO BIG FOR YOUR PANTS
AND I'S THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CUT OUT WHILE YOU CAN
YOU CAN USE YOUR ILLUSION
LET IT TAKE YOU WHERE IT MAY
WE LIVE AND LEARN
AND THEN SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO WALK AWAY
ME I'M JUST HERE HANGIN' ON
IT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO STAY AT LEAST
FOR NOW ANYWAY
I'VE WORKED TOO HARD FOR MY ILLUSIONS
JUST TO THROW THEM ALL AWAY
I'M TAKING TIME FOR QUIET CONSOLATION
IN PASSING BY THIS LOVE THAT'S PASSED AWAY
I KNOW IT'S NEVER EASY -
SO WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE ME
WHEN I'VE ALWAYS GOT SO MANY THINGS TO SAY
CALLING OFF THE DOGS A SIMPLE CHOICE IS MADE
'CAUSE PLAYFUL HEARTS
CAN SOMETIMES BE ENRAGED
YOU KNOW I TRIED TO WAKE YOU -
I MEAN HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE YOU
TO OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND TURN THE PAGE
KINDNESS IS A TREASURE -
AND IT'S ONE TO ME YOU'VE SELDOM SHOWN
SO I'LL SAY IT FOR GOOD MEASURE
TO ALL THE ONES LIKE YOU I'VE KNOWN
YA KNOW I'D LIKE TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD
AND ALL MY FRIENDS COULD PAINT IT RED
'CAUSE LOVE TO ME'S A TWO WAY STREET
AN ALL I REALLY WANT IS PEACE
BUT MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO
AFFECTION IS A BLESSING
CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR TORRID HEART
I TRIED TO KEEP THIS THING TA-GETHER
BUT THE TREMOR TORE MY PAD APART
YEAH I KNOW IT'S HARD TO FACE
WHEN ALL WE'VE WORKED FOR'S GONE TO WASTE
BUT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID WOMAN
AND I'M SUCH A STUPID MAN
BUT LOVE LIKE TIME'S GOT IT'S OWN PLANS
'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
YEAH
IF LOVE IS BLIND I GUESS I'LL BUY MYSELF A CANE
LOVE'S SO STRANGE
Today I've spent a somewhat significant amount of my waking hours musing on my behavior of late, which led me down to how relationships work, into how they grow disfunctional and finally into the nature of jealousy as one of the greatest problems in any era in this, our so-called civilization.
On Relationships.
It's odd and horribly imbalanced, this push and pull, this game of interest and lack thereof, which rules our lives. Human interaction is a difficult ritual in and of itself, but when special interests are created - spawned might be a better word - most become fumbling idiots, men and women, prey to the wiles of the chemistry of our oft maligned brains.
Push and pull. At the root, one of the greatest issues with men and women engaging in romantically inclined interaction is the balance that must be struck as far as shows of interest are concerned. All too often, women find it unappealing when a man shows open interest, viewing it - whether consciously or subconsciously, I do not know - as a sign of weakness. In a world where the sensible rules and the logical is the norm, open shows of interest, unabashed and unhindered by emotional barriers, would be good thing. Only in this bizarre little world of ours is being genuinely interested in someone a show of weakness. God-forbid we ever choose someone because they are honestly interested in us as persons.
It is sad; that we must guard ourselves so and wear these masks, assume these personas, just for the chance to maybe, one day, show our true selves, which might drive the other person away from us in shock at how different we are. A grand hypocrisy, this.
On Jealousy.
I found this piece which, personally, I find to be one of the best written articles on jealousy and its origin. I thought I might be becoming jealous, something worrying given the fact that I am far from a territorial person that way. So I began researching what I could find on that particular behavior. To my great relief, I am not jealous yet, at least not by the accepted definition. I seek not to punish, ever, or to hurt. My intentions are qualified as pure enough. The following excerps I found to be very incisive.
"They many not be able, nor ought they to be expected, to receive the choice of the loved one into the intimacy of their lives, but that does not give either one the right to deny the necessity of the attraction."
"to look upon people who can love more than one person as perverse or abnormal is to be very ignorant indeed."
"With love, in all its variability and changeability, fettered and cramped, it is small wonder if jealousy arises out of it. What else but pettiness, meanness, suspicion, and rancor can come when a man and wife are officially held together with the formula "from now on you are one in body and spirit." Just take any couple tied together in such a manner, dependent upon each other for every thought and feeling, without an outside interest or desire, and ask yourself whether such a relation must not become hateful and unbearable in time."
"The theory that man is a product of conditions has led only to indifference and to a sluggish acquiescence in these conditions."
"Anguish over the loss of love or a nonreciprocated love among people who are capable of high and fine thoughts will never make a person coarse. Those who are sensitive and fine have only to ask themselves whether they can tolerate any obligatory relation, and an emphatic no would be the reply. But most people continue to live near each other although they have long ceased to live with each other---a life fertile enough for the operation of jealousy, whose methods go all the way from opening private correspondence to murder. Compared with such horrors, open adultery seems an act of courage and liberation."
"Each is a small cosmos in himself, engrossed in his own thoughts and ideas. It is glorious and poetic if these two worlds meet in freedom and equality. Even if this lasts but a short time it is already worthwhile"
The full text is here and it is quite enlightening. I greatly recommend it.
The lyric for todays recommended listening are close to my heart on many levels and I find that it aptly describes the first issue I touched upon today, especially the line "If love is blind I think I'll buy myself a cane". I hope my disjointed thought process today has not translated into an altogether unreadable piece of slop.
Locomotive - Guns n Roses
GONNA FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS LONELINESS
YEAH I'LL FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS PAIN
IF I SAID THAT YOU'RE MY FRIEND
AND OUR LOVE WOULD NEVER END
HOW LONG BEFORE I HAD YOUR TRUST AGAIN
I OPENED UP THE DOORS WHEN IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE
HOPIN' THAT YOU'D FIND YOUR OWN WAY IN
BUT HOW CAN I PROTECT YOU
OR TRY NOT TO NEGLECT YOU
WHEN YOU WON'T TAKE THE LOVE I HAVE TO GIVE
I BROUGHT ME AN ILLUSION
AN I PUT IT ON THE WALL
I LET IT FILL MY HEAD WITH DREAMS
AND I HAD TO HAVE THEM ALL
BUT OH THE TASTE IS NEVER SO SWEET
AS WHAT YOU'D BELIEVE IT IS...
WELL I GUESS IT NEVER IS
IT'S THESE PREJUDICED ILLUSIONS
THAT PUMP THE BLOOD
TO THE HEART OF THE BIZ
YOU KNOW THAT I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT IT COULD TAKE SO LONG
YOU KNOW I NEVER KNEW HOW TO BE STRONG
YEAH, I LET YOU SHAPE ME
BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH YOU RAPED ME
'CAUSE YOU CLIMBED INSIDE MY WORLD
AND IN MY SONGS
SO NOW I'VE CLOSED THE DOOR
TO KEEP THE COLD OUTSIDE
SEEMS SOMEHOW I'VE FOUND THE WILL TO LIVE
BUT HOW CAN I FORGET YOU
OR TRY NOT TO REJECT YOU
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT TAKES TIME TO FORGIVE
SWEETNESS IS A VIRTUE
AND YOU LOST YOUR VIRTUE LONG AGO
YOU KNOW I'D LIKE TO HURT YOU
BUT MY CONSCIENCE ALWAYS TELLS ME NO
YOU COULD SELL YOUR BODY ON THE STREET
TO ANYONE WHOM YOU MIGHT MEET
WHO'D LOVE TO TRY AND GET INSIDE
AND BUST YOUR INNOCENCE OPEN WIDE
'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO
GONNA HAVE SOME FUN WITH MY FRUSTRATION
GONNA WATCH THE BIG SCREEN IN MY HEAD
I'D RATHER TAKE A DETOUR
'CAUSE THIS ROAD AIN'T GETTIN' CLEARER
YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT HAS CUT ME OFF AGAIN
BETTER TAME THAT BOY 'CAUSE HE'S A WILD ONE
BETTER TAME THAT BOY FOR HE'S A MAN
SWEETHEART DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
YOU'S GETTIN' TOO BIG FOR YOUR PANTS
AND I'S THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CUT OUT WHILE YOU CAN
YOU CAN USE YOUR ILLUSION
LET IT TAKE YOU WHERE IT MAY
WE LIVE AND LEARN
AND THEN SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO WALK AWAY
ME I'M JUST HERE HANGIN' ON
IT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO STAY AT LEAST
FOR NOW ANYWAY
I'VE WORKED TOO HARD FOR MY ILLUSIONS
JUST TO THROW THEM ALL AWAY
I'M TAKING TIME FOR QUIET CONSOLATION
IN PASSING BY THIS LOVE THAT'S PASSED AWAY
I KNOW IT'S NEVER EASY -
SO WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE ME
WHEN I'VE ALWAYS GOT SO MANY THINGS TO SAY
CALLING OFF THE DOGS A SIMPLE CHOICE IS MADE
'CAUSE PLAYFUL HEARTS
CAN SOMETIMES BE ENRAGED
YOU KNOW I TRIED TO WAKE YOU -
I MEAN HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE YOU
TO OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND TURN THE PAGE
KINDNESS IS A TREASURE -
AND IT'S ONE TO ME YOU'VE SELDOM SHOWN
SO I'LL SAY IT FOR GOOD MEASURE
TO ALL THE ONES LIKE YOU I'VE KNOWN
YA KNOW I'D LIKE TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD
AND ALL MY FRIENDS COULD PAINT IT RED
'CAUSE LOVE TO ME'S A TWO WAY STREET
AN ALL I REALLY WANT IS PEACE
BUT MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO
AFFECTION IS A BLESSING
CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR TORRID HEART
I TRIED TO KEEP THIS THING TA-GETHER
BUT THE TREMOR TORE MY PAD APART
YEAH I KNOW IT'S HARD TO FACE
WHEN ALL WE'VE WORKED FOR'S GONE TO WASTE
BUT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID WOMAN
AND I'M SUCH A STUPID MAN
BUT LOVE LIKE TIME'S GOT IT'S OWN PLANS
'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
YEAH
IF LOVE IS BLIND I GUESS I'LL BUY MYSELF A CANE
LOVE'S SO STRANGE
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Today is a day to be weary. Weary of the trappings of the human condition. Weary of the tangled webs we weave. Weary of everyone's opinion and of the consequences they bring. Weary of being honest and considerate only to have these things thrown back in one's face or simply have them fade like ripples in a pond. I know I am only writing in water. In aqua scribis. Futile.
I have skirted a situation which could have gone deeper than I wanted. It could have been very painful but now it is simply an uncomfortable ache. I am too old for the games and the longings and the unfulfilled promises of hypothetical tomorrows. I am learning once again to walk away from things that won't last. I am letting go of things that won't come to me freely and willingly. I force nothing, which is not to say I make no effort. Effort does not equal pressure. I seek not what is not to be mine, for I ask for nothing. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me, however. My generally easygoing nature. People take it to mean I don't care, or that I don't want enough or that it is giving them license to leave me aside. Kindness is not something to take lightly, but sadly it is often taken for granted in a world that is far too cold for anyone with a beating, bloody heart.
I am tired. So I think I will close up the gates again. Shut the door for a while and wisen up a little. I fool myself into trusting people to be reciprocate even though I am sometimes led by them to think so. I am tired again. Emotional output depleted. Spiritual discharge spilt beyond the point of health. I am only disappointed in myself. I should know better.
Evidence - Faith No More
If you want to open the hole
Just put your head down and go
Step beside the piece of the circumstance
Got to wash away the taste of evidence
Wash it away(evidence)
I didnt feel a thing
It didnt mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify:
I didnt feel a thing
Anything you say, we know youre guilty
Hands above your head,
And you wont even feel me
You wont feel me
If this is it - Huey Lewis and The News
Ive been phoning night and morning
I heard you say tell him Im not home
Now youre confessing, but Im still guessing
Ive been your fool for so so long
Girl dont lie, just to save my feelings
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Girl dont try to make up phony reasons
Id rather leave than never believe
If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so
Youve been thinking
And Ive been drinking
We both know that its just not right
Now youre pretending
That its not ending
Youll say anything to avoid a fight
Girl dont lie, and tell me that you need me
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Ill be alrightone way or another
So let me go, or make we want to stay
If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so
I have skirted a situation which could have gone deeper than I wanted. It could have been very painful but now it is simply an uncomfortable ache. I am too old for the games and the longings and the unfulfilled promises of hypothetical tomorrows. I am learning once again to walk away from things that won't last. I am letting go of things that won't come to me freely and willingly. I force nothing, which is not to say I make no effort. Effort does not equal pressure. I seek not what is not to be mine, for I ask for nothing. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me, however. My generally easygoing nature. People take it to mean I don't care, or that I don't want enough or that it is giving them license to leave me aside. Kindness is not something to take lightly, but sadly it is often taken for granted in a world that is far too cold for anyone with a beating, bloody heart.
I am tired. So I think I will close up the gates again. Shut the door for a while and wisen up a little. I fool myself into trusting people to be reciprocate even though I am sometimes led by them to think so. I am tired again. Emotional output depleted. Spiritual discharge spilt beyond the point of health. I am only disappointed in myself. I should know better.
Evidence - Faith No More
If you want to open the hole
Just put your head down and go
Step beside the piece of the circumstance
Got to wash away the taste of evidence
Wash it away(evidence)
I didnt feel a thing
It didnt mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify:
I didnt feel a thing
Anything you say, we know youre guilty
Hands above your head,
And you wont even feel me
You wont feel me
If this is it - Huey Lewis and The News
Ive been phoning night and morning
I heard you say tell him Im not home
Now youre confessing, but Im still guessing
Ive been your fool for so so long
Girl dont lie, just to save my feelings
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Girl dont try to make up phony reasons
Id rather leave than never believe
If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so
Youve been thinking
And Ive been drinking
We both know that its just not right
Now youre pretending
That its not ending
Youll say anything to avoid a fight
Girl dont lie, and tell me that you need me
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Ill be alrightone way or another
So let me go, or make we want to stay
If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so
Saturday, April 11, 2009
04/05/2009
Riptide...
Flowing contradictions
Wind-whipped, tatters torn.
Diluvial aftermath worn
Given to flight; wont of running away
In uncertain times with uncertain companions
At the first sign of adversion
The heart is light when light is bright
And love flows unhindered
Uncertain bedfellows weigh it dearly
For uncertain then turns its nature
Fleeting is then emotion pure
Sullied by the whims of mind and time
Where surely there once lived hope
Warts of weakness now fester
Feral grows the soul as it sheds the trappings of convention
Tired of the games and the feeble lover's question
Weary of the hunt and the erstwhile friend's suggestion
Fed-up with the ancient rhyme
Flowing contradictions
Wind-whipped, tatters torn.
Diluvial aftermath worn
Given to flight; wont of running away
In uncertain times with uncertain companions
At the first sign of adversion
The heart is light when light is bright
And love flows unhindered
Uncertain bedfellows weigh it dearly
For uncertain then turns its nature
Fleeting is then emotion pure
Sullied by the whims of mind and time
Where surely there once lived hope
Warts of weakness now fester
Feral grows the soul as it sheds the trappings of convention
Tired of the games and the feeble lover's question
Weary of the hunt and the erstwhile friend's suggestion
Fed-up with the ancient rhyme
Thursday, April 02, 2009
Withdrawal
Becoming dependent to something which has been missing in one's life for a prolonged period of time is easy. All too easy. We seem to be creatures of proclivities and desires and fall prey to our own traps more often than not. It's all rather difficult to deal with when one knows that dependences all spawn from within, from the weaknesses and deficiencies that are inevitably part of who we are. It is no less harrowing by the knowing of this simple fact, that we still suffer these dependences and, like any one person suffering from a physical addiction to a controlled substance, we cannot help but grow surly, our moods swinging wildly as we seek to tame this dragon that has claimed our souls as its dwelling.
Is this the nature of Love? Is Love nothing more nothing more than an addiction? What evidence do we have to the contrary? Are we so broken that we can only find ourselves in the throes of this tyranical feeling when we are laid prostrate and prone? I cannot conceive of feeling like that and being happy. Perhaps it is because feelings arise when there is yet little trust or proof thereof. Perhaps because time must work its wonders first before we can give of ourselves as freely as we desire. Perhaps we are simply fools.
My dependences are rather simple. My daughter first and foremost. After spending three days without seeing her I literally became very moody. I was basically in a bad mood during the entirety of the third day and, today being the fourth day, during the morning after. I have spent some time with her now so it is all returning back to normal. Now all that remains is the other more recent dependence which I am currently trying to cull or, at the least, reign in to a semblance of tolerability. Four days at least to see how far I can stand withdrawal and if such a state effects meaningful changes on my disposition to the object of such an addiction. Four but probably seven days total. A whole week. Ask any smack-head if that's a short span of time.
Why do I torture myself so in the second case? Because I hate being vulnerable, not because I feel like I'm the only one in the two-way exchange feeling like this, that couldn't be any less important to me, but because I simply feel bad. Whether the counterpart feels anything at all is of little consequence as pain is the eventual byproduct of any emotional investment. It is a constant which I have learnt to accept and subsequently expect without giving it much thought, a thought barely out of mind. But I have to slay this dragon before it becomes something bigger than me. I have been warned off once already, after a certain "moment", an opening up of hearts, momentary though it was. I know full well that this all stems from my heart being tender, from the wounds that are still healing and the longing to be loved. But is no less real in light of its odd beginnings.
I once killed an ideal, not similar, but perhaps worse. Bigger, meaner and considerably stronger. Something that grew inside my head and seeped into my heart to become a giant, an ogre that tore down bridges of the soul. I killed it, not so long ago. I killed it as I have killed other, lesser things. But do I dare kill this now or is it possible to tame it? Am I simply going insane and letting chemicals have the better of me? Could I not for once receive actual cares and tenderness without running the gauntlet of my mind in search of a way into peace? Already I have thought of running away, a foolish notion given that no matter where I go what I have inside stays there, with me. No running. Not this time.
I wanted something meaninful. Maybe this is it? I'd rather not invest myself on this too heavily or invest on it any terms and concepts. It's time to let it flow. I shall be at peace and proceed with no-action. No resistance and no scheming. Sadly, some people take this as being a pushover... odd that one's amiability and pleasant nature would give that impression. The last person that mistook my dedication for weakness may be doing fine today, but surely there won't another as foolish as me to cling to. I hope this time they will want to know me... really know me.
The song today is not for anyone in particular, but it accurately depicts my disposition towards matters sentimental.
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!
Is this the nature of Love? Is Love nothing more nothing more than an addiction? What evidence do we have to the contrary? Are we so broken that we can only find ourselves in the throes of this tyranical feeling when we are laid prostrate and prone? I cannot conceive of feeling like that and being happy. Perhaps it is because feelings arise when there is yet little trust or proof thereof. Perhaps because time must work its wonders first before we can give of ourselves as freely as we desire. Perhaps we are simply fools.
My dependences are rather simple. My daughter first and foremost. After spending three days without seeing her I literally became very moody. I was basically in a bad mood during the entirety of the third day and, today being the fourth day, during the morning after. I have spent some time with her now so it is all returning back to normal. Now all that remains is the other more recent dependence which I am currently trying to cull or, at the least, reign in to a semblance of tolerability. Four days at least to see how far I can stand withdrawal and if such a state effects meaningful changes on my disposition to the object of such an addiction. Four but probably seven days total. A whole week. Ask any smack-head if that's a short span of time.
Why do I torture myself so in the second case? Because I hate being vulnerable, not because I feel like I'm the only one in the two-way exchange feeling like this, that couldn't be any less important to me, but because I simply feel bad. Whether the counterpart feels anything at all is of little consequence as pain is the eventual byproduct of any emotional investment. It is a constant which I have learnt to accept and subsequently expect without giving it much thought, a thought barely out of mind. But I have to slay this dragon before it becomes something bigger than me. I have been warned off once already, after a certain "moment", an opening up of hearts, momentary though it was. I know full well that this all stems from my heart being tender, from the wounds that are still healing and the longing to be loved. But is no less real in light of its odd beginnings.
I once killed an ideal, not similar, but perhaps worse. Bigger, meaner and considerably stronger. Something that grew inside my head and seeped into my heart to become a giant, an ogre that tore down bridges of the soul. I killed it, not so long ago. I killed it as I have killed other, lesser things. But do I dare kill this now or is it possible to tame it? Am I simply going insane and letting chemicals have the better of me? Could I not for once receive actual cares and tenderness without running the gauntlet of my mind in search of a way into peace? Already I have thought of running away, a foolish notion given that no matter where I go what I have inside stays there, with me. No running. Not this time.
I wanted something meaninful. Maybe this is it? I'd rather not invest myself on this too heavily or invest on it any terms and concepts. It's time to let it flow. I shall be at peace and proceed with no-action. No resistance and no scheming. Sadly, some people take this as being a pushover... odd that one's amiability and pleasant nature would give that impression. The last person that mistook my dedication for weakness may be doing fine today, but surely there won't another as foolish as me to cling to. I hope this time they will want to know me... really know me.
The song today is not for anyone in particular, but it accurately depicts my disposition towards matters sentimental.
Jason Mraz - I'm Yours
Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some
I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved
So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours
Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear
I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue
But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!
Wednesday, April 01, 2009
Focus
Amidst this onslaught of inner turmoil I have slowly regained some sense of logic, exerting, through great effort, some discipline on my feelings. I must focus on the projects and goals I set for myself and once again attempt to balance the evergrowing amount of variables in my life.
Everything feels good. Even the things that might be unpleasant to other persons, caused by my simple proximity to said persons, is easily enough overcomable. Can;t think very well right now, but all seems to be relatively well.
Japan - Devin Townsend
Time waits for no one
No holy saviour came again
It's here now, my old friend
And it's time to go home...
Back to the stars
Now I know how it sounds
But I know how I feel
And this boredom kicks into the aligned
The invisible and the divine
And the lights upon the hill at night
They have followed me young
And into tomorrow
No time for you
Time alone
This time I think I've found it
Goodbye my love
It came for me
I'm going back to Japan
Everything feels good. Even the things that might be unpleasant to other persons, caused by my simple proximity to said persons, is easily enough overcomable. Can;t think very well right now, but all seems to be relatively well.
Japan - Devin Townsend
Time waits for no one
No holy saviour came again
It's here now, my old friend
And it's time to go home...
Back to the stars
Now I know how it sounds
But I know how I feel
And this boredom kicks into the aligned
The invisible and the divine
And the lights upon the hill at night
They have followed me young
And into tomorrow
No time for you
Time alone
This time I think I've found it
Goodbye my love
It came for me
I'm going back to Japan
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