Withdrawal

Becoming dependent to something which has been missing in one's life for a prolonged period of time is easy. All too easy. We seem to be creatures of proclivities and desires and fall prey to our own traps more often than not. It's all rather difficult to deal with when one knows that dependences all spawn from within, from the weaknesses and deficiencies that are inevitably part of who we are. It is no less harrowing by the knowing of this simple fact, that we still suffer these dependences and, like any one person suffering from a physical addiction to a controlled substance, we cannot help but grow surly, our moods swinging wildly as we seek to tame this dragon that has claimed our souls as its dwelling.

Is this the nature of Love? Is Love nothing more nothing more than an addiction? What evidence do we have to the contrary? Are we so broken that we can only find ourselves in the throes of this tyranical feeling when we are laid prostrate and prone? I cannot conceive of feeling like that and being happy. Perhaps it is because feelings arise when there is yet little trust or proof thereof. Perhaps because time must work its wonders first before we can give of ourselves as freely as we desire. Perhaps we are simply fools.

My dependences are rather simple. My daughter first and foremost. After spending three days without seeing her I literally became very moody. I was basically in a bad mood during the entirety of the third day and, today being the fourth day, during the morning after. I have spent some time with her now so it is all returning back to normal. Now all that remains is the other more recent dependence which I am currently trying to cull or, at the least, reign in to a semblance of tolerability. Four days at least to see how far I can stand withdrawal and if such a state effects meaningful changes on my disposition to the object of such an addiction. Four but probably seven days total. A whole week. Ask any smack-head if that's a short span of time.

Why do I torture myself so in the second case? Because I hate being vulnerable, not because I feel like I'm the only one in the two-way exchange feeling like this, that couldn't be any less important to me, but because I simply feel bad. Whether the counterpart feels anything at all is of little consequence as pain is the eventual byproduct of any emotional investment. It is a constant which I have learnt to accept and subsequently expect without giving it much thought, a thought barely out of mind. But I have to slay this dragon before it becomes something bigger than me. I have been warned off once already, after a certain "moment", an opening up of hearts, momentary though it was. I know full well that this all stems from my heart being tender, from the wounds that are still healing and the longing to be loved. But is no less real in light of its odd beginnings.

I once killed an ideal, not similar, but perhaps worse. Bigger, meaner and considerably stronger. Something that grew inside my head and seeped into my heart to become a giant, an ogre that tore down bridges of the soul. I killed it, not so long ago. I killed it as I have killed other, lesser things. But do I dare kill this now or is it possible to tame it? Am I simply going insane and letting chemicals have the better of me? Could I not for once receive actual cares and tenderness without running the gauntlet of my mind in search of a way into peace? Already I have thought of running away, a foolish notion given that no matter where I go what I have inside stays there, with me. No running. Not this time.

I wanted something meaninful. Maybe this is it? I'd rather not invest myself on this too heavily or invest on it any terms and concepts. It's time to let it flow. I shall be at peace and proceed with no-action. No resistance and no scheming. Sadly, some people take this as being a pushover... odd that one's amiability and pleasant nature would give that impression. The last person that mistook my dedication for weakness may be doing fine today, but surely there won't another as foolish as me to cling to. I hope this time they will want to know me... really know me.

The song today is not for anyone in particular, but it accurately depicts my disposition towards matters sentimental.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!