Today is a day to be weary. Weary of the trappings of the human condition. Weary of the tangled webs we weave. Weary of everyone's opinion and of the consequences they bring. Weary of being honest and considerate only to have these things thrown back in one's face or simply have them fade like ripples in a pond. I know I am only writing in water. In aqua scribis. Futile.


I have skirted a situation which could have gone deeper than I wanted. It could have been very painful but now it is simply an uncomfortable ache. I am too old for the games and the longings and the unfulfilled promises of hypothetical tomorrows. I am learning once again to walk away from things that won't last. I am letting go of things that won't come to me freely and willingly. I force nothing, which is not to say I make no effort. Effort does not equal pressure. I seek not what is not to be mine, for I ask for nothing. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me, however. My generally easygoing nature. People take it to mean I don't care, or that I don't want enough or that it is giving them license to leave me aside. Kindness is not something to take lightly, but sadly it is often taken for granted in a world that is far too cold for anyone with a beating, bloody heart.

I am tired. So I think I will close up the gates again. Shut the door for a while and wisen up a little. I fool myself into trusting people to be reciprocate even though I am sometimes led by them to think so. I am tired again. Emotional output depleted. Spiritual discharge spilt beyond the point of health. I am only disappointed in myself. I should know better.


Evidence - Faith No More

If you want to open the hole
Just put your head down and go
Step beside the piece of the circumstance
Got to wash away the taste of evidence
Wash it away(evidence)
I didnt feel a thing
It didnt mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify:
I didnt feel a thing
Anything you say, we know youre guilty
Hands above your head,
And you wont even feel me
You wont feel me


If this is it - Huey Lewis and The News


Ive been phoning night and morning
I heard you say tell him Im not home
Now youre confessing, but Im still guessing
Ive been your fool for so so long
Girl dont lie, just to save my feelings
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Girl dont try to make up phony reasons
Id rather leave than never believe

If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so

Youve been thinking
And Ive been drinking
We both know that its just not right
Now youre pretending
That its not ending
Youll say anything to avoid a fight
Girl dont lie, and tell me that you need me
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Ill be alrightone way or another
So let me go, or make we want to stay

If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so