Now, where did I put that giant dildo Grandma had lying around...

Created by Oatmeal

Amazingly accurate or so platitudinal it hurts

alberto took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test! ""Feels stressed due to his current situation or re..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Please, don't grow up...

My daughter is now a year and 8 months old. She is the brightest, sweetest, most amazing creature I've had the joy of knowing in this world. That I adore her is quite the understatement, as surely it must - and should! - be for every father. I am sometimes left to gaze in wonder at her way of looking at the world. In running after her at the park as she herself chases down helpless pigeons while cackling with unadulterated delight, I am moved by her little motions and her every reaction to the world around her. She already recognizes locations outside of her house quite clearly, letting me know where she wants to go vocally while pointing at her desired destination. Everything she engages in is like ambrosia to me.

I truly wish, as I have been doing ever since my daughter's first weeks of life outside the womb, that she wouldn't have to grow up. As a father, I want her to find self-fulfillment and self-realization, but all-to-often I find myself longing for every second that passes and all those that have already passed. Wishing I could meld myself into my daughters very essence and therefore be one with her every step of the way, to both give her comfort and solace as well as to bear witness and enjoy every step of her progress through life. Alas, it is an impossibility and I will, like many fathers before me, become a victim to the cruel master Time and its ravages, as I long to forever have "my little girl" to hold.

This article at this particular gaming-centric site tugged at my heart strings and it certainly did so with more people than just me as is evinced by the comments. Read on.

Need/Want

Living the nightcrawler's life for a couple of weeks. I run form one side to another, run around in circles, getting nowhere; a futile endeavor. Perhaps I know this? Perhaps somewhere in my innermost core I understand that this will lead me nowhere. My oscillating attentions, ebbing and flowing in a mercurial dance, may not take me down a path of discovery but rather one of stunted emotional evolution...

I think I might fall again. Let run without clear guidance, I feel I falter on my way.

Good things come to me, often enough, when I open myself to them. Much self-doubt has sabotaged the oportunities of life that have come my way, some of them. Now and then I do make the most of the deuces thrown my way, sometimes all too well...

I feel like wandering. I feel like finding all things I lost and those I've never had. I feel like being a river. I feel like coccooning. I feel like going forth on in time.

Wanderlust - The Delays

Can you hear that knocking in your soul
No, you don't listen
Can you hear that knocking overload
No, you don't listen

Never see the high beyond the low
No wonder, you lay twitching
Do you share the rush to be alone
Come over, we'll go missing
We'll go where there's no snow
We'll go and they won't know
Just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do do do do ah ah ah
Can you hear that knocking in your soul
No, you don't listen
We'll go where there's no snow
Just please don't give me your word
Do do do, do do do do do do ah ah ah
Just please don't give me your word

All that matters is the music tonight
Just please don't give me your,
All that matters is the music tonight,

But you don't listen

So, we'll go running, running til we start again
Yeah we'll run, we'll run away
Yeah, we'll go running, running til we start again
Yeah we'll run, we'll run away
Yeah, we'll go running, running til we start again
And we'll run, we'll run away

Droning

It's four in the morning and i'm staring at the computer screens at work. Been getting into an alternate wavelenght in my brain throughout the night so as to manage the insane monotony of the graveyard shift. Should have been writing tonight, but I fear I am victim to my own expectations... so I am purging tonight. Getting rid of the bad vibes, of my crutches and failings, of my goals and expectations. I must simply do things for the sake of doing them, not for the possible outcomes.

The mind darts to and fro in the throes of cannabinoidal schisms, a mental paroxysm seemingly unending. I think on everybody, and remember even things long suppressed and forgotten, and more amazingly glimpse strange life forms and truths of reality. Insight, the kind that is almost palpably difficult to hold within the confines of one's mind. That is how I know I am in the deepest phase of the trip. But most people don't trip with this stuff. Most people just vegetate. In my case, the mind cannot be stopped, it runs unbridled into the darkest, strangest corners of the universe...

Life is interesting. It is very strange, also. It is very much a bunch of ado about something we assume and hope lies beyond the toll booth at the end of the mortal coil. But it is interesting.

I wanted sedation, I got said sedation. Other things desired but I know I'm not ready. But, oh, it smarts, the loneliness, the vacuous sea of silence. It smarts yet somehow it is comforting.

The the.

Sleepy after an evening of nightshifting; the first night of a handful I am to labor within this schedule. Not particularly productive beyond the scope of my intended tasks for the night but I will be enjoying the final writing bits of my my script later on tonight after all my workmates have gone home to sleep or out to cavort and frolick among the fields of ethanolian delights. Bacchus be with them!

Not much to relate in general. Bored, yet not. Machinations regarding people I am interested in though I know better than to start messing about now that I've this goal set clear in my mind: creative productivity. This could be hindered by the above mentioned machinations. Not good. Not entirely bad, but not good.

Looking forward to hitting the sack in my immediate future. A night full of pushups and pistols should help create enough fatigue so that my body and mind will have no choice but to succumb to slumber.

Houdini

Ever-so-slightly sickened. Now, if all evidence before did not confirm it, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am a fool. Self-loathing is an interesting state of emotion. I sicken myself because I am sickened by others and this only because I let these others in. Being Zen about things doesn't take the sting out of them, no. It just means you stand there and take it like a stoic son-of-a-gun. If you fall and shed tears, you pick your sorry ass back up and stiffen your upper lip. You know full well that pain is a constant and a beautifully bitter-sweet reminder of being alive, of being human. Pain is the gift that keeps on giving. To feel is to hurt. Anyone knows this, though many deny it.

Let them all in. I can take it. Let them all run rampant in my heart's myriad chambers and wreck the house of my soul. Perhaps, should there be a higher intelligence that would at least sort through the hubris that is my collection of memories and feelings at the end of my mortal life, some lesson might be learned, some pearl gleaned from my painfully bland way of life.

Meaning. I want meaning. What do I mean? What the hell am I? What do I want? What do I need? Meaning. Truth. Peace.

I am a fool.

I am pulling a bit of a Houdini, here, as of tonight.

Tomorrow I join the consortium of fellow sin-mongers to cavort and gallivant where possible, though myself, I shall let Bacchus preach to me. I tire of the flesh. This rotting sea of it, all around me. Burn. A conflagration, if I could turn it...

Tomorrow I make music. Thereafter I shall retreat into my shell, as a friend of my heart so eloquently put it. I shall join the other side for a time. In the mirror I'll find a bit of myself with which to survive some time when I get back to this side again.

It is all so fine, this grand, elaborate lie.

Personas to wear like the masquerade has some point to it, a finality, a singularity... a meaning.

Houdini. Many meanings to a Houdini. Meaning. Let us pull a Houdini.

Incoherence THaruz

Sleeper deep the well is filling
Nightly whispers heart is healing
Breaking skin the wolf has fallen
Moon is free from its pursuit
Lightly kissing worm-ridden bed
Enter the head of the ones long forgotten
To the bitter's end the boat must go
Dreamer foretells peaceful smiles
To the bitter end the fool must row
Hanging on the ice floe
Spans of giants the hills have made
Now in truth the fallen grow
Reaching further up the sky
Swollen core infects the sty
Primordial soup of pure emotion
Bifrost bridge lies further North
To the bitter's end the captain calls
Dreamer foretells wistful nights
To the bitter end the fool must stall
Hinting at the fall
Spires onirical into ruins turned
There, below, the molten wall
Reaching further down the line
Intravenous desire unwinds
Allusion to the love ad hoc
Prurient, sleepless, thoughts amok
No embrace but the earth mother's
Or the oceanic maiden's, our flesh to devour
Itching to burn, burning to fire
Sightless, salacious; the vigil deflowered
Tortures to visit upon the most dire
To the bitter's end with wind in sail
Dreamer foretells unending plight
To the bitter end the fool lest he fail



My Grave - Psychotic Waltz

they're cracking the cross where they hammer the nail
pennies they laid on the windows that failed
not really gone, but I'm so far away
all of your prayers cried at once all too late
once you fall down, end the round
end the round

shades of my dark hour light where I lay
someone I don't know is passing my way
don't want to go, but I can't really stay
now I wait for this no one to take me away

given to the ground
end the round
tears are falling down
given to the ground
end the round

drums of the death marchers
drone through the day
the funeral flowers macabre disarray
fall to the tears and the dirt where they lay
now they've all come at once
and they've all come too late
given to the ground
end the round, end the round
end the round, end the round
end the round, end the round now
end the round, end the round
end the round

Musings...

I've been cavorting all over the place with friends, savoring the joys of the nightlife and reaping the benefits of catering to certain people's tastes in aesthetics. I have done some overindulgence and slept little. I have thoroughly enjoyed myself. I have, also, despite my heavy involvement in the myriad activities of the night, been able to observe and analyze as I am often wont.

I watch the people, the bar and club denizens, the socially alcoholic patrons looking to fill their nights and forget their days, and wonder at how we all live lie upon lie. I am earnestly trying to shed every persona I have created, bringing my self closer to transparency and freeing it of guile.

I see the many who attempt to save face because of fears long obsolete about what people will think of them. I myself have felt the anguish and fear but have managed, over the years, to tame it and let self-assurance be the armor against the judgements of the crowd. Self-assurance and happiness, contentedness, some modicum of inner peace.

Some people try to come off as the better dealt when deals of social interaction are struck in order to maintain certain appearances reigned-in, the far reaching consequences of popular opinion causing much worry in their minds. It is almost comically tragic. I call it cute, the word delivered in a state of pregnancy; nine full months of mordacity-laden intention.

I no longer play those games, though to play the overall game one must resort to certain psychological stratagems such that one might be regarded as conniving, machiavelian even. Knowing that these things have certain effects on people and using them basically as attitude adjustments so that one can get what one seeks.

I wish, with all my soul, that we could do away with all these little fibs.

The nature of love 1.0

Hello boyols and goyols.

Today I've spent a somewhat significant amount of my waking hours musing on my behavior of late, which led me down to how relationships work, into how they grow disfunctional and finally into the nature of jealousy as one of the greatest problems in any era in this, our so-called civilization.

On Relationships.

It's odd and horribly imbalanced, this push and pull, this game of interest and lack thereof, which rules our lives. Human interaction is a difficult ritual in and of itself, but when special interests are created - spawned might be a better word - most become fumbling idiots, men and women, prey to the wiles of the chemistry of our oft maligned brains.

Push and pull. At the root, one of the greatest issues with men and women engaging in romantically inclined interaction is the balance that must be struck as far as shows of interest are concerned. All too often, women find it unappealing when a man shows open interest, viewing it - whether consciously or subconsciously, I do not know - as a sign of weakness. In a world where the sensible rules and the logical is the norm, open shows of interest, unabashed and unhindered by emotional barriers, would be good thing. Only in this bizarre little world of ours is being genuinely interested in someone a show of weakness. God-forbid we ever choose someone because they are honestly interested in us as persons.

It is sad; that we must guard ourselves so and wear these masks, assume these personas, just for the chance to maybe, one day, show our true selves, which might drive the other person away from us in shock at how different we are. A grand hypocrisy, this.

On Jealousy.

I found this piece which, personally, I find to be one of the best written articles on jealousy and its origin. I thought I might be becoming jealous, something worrying given the fact that I am far from a territorial person that way. So I began researching what I could find on that particular behavior. To my great relief, I am not jealous yet, at least not by the accepted definition. I seek not to punish, ever, or to hurt. My intentions are qualified as pure enough. The following excerps I found to be very incisive.

"They many not be able, nor ought they to be expected, to receive the choice of the loved one into the intimacy of their lives, but that does not give either one the right to deny the necessity of the attraction."

"to look upon people who can love more than one person as perverse or abnormal is to be very ignorant indeed."

"With love, in all its variability and changeability, fettered and cramped, it is small wonder if jealousy arises out of it. What else but pettiness, meanness, suspicion, and rancor can come when a man and wife are officially held together with the formula "from now on you are one in body and spirit." Just take any couple tied together in such a manner, dependent upon each other for every thought and feeling, without an outside interest or desire, and ask yourself whether such a relation must not become hateful and unbearable in time."

"The theory that man is a product of conditions has led only to indifference and to a sluggish acquiescence in these conditions."

"Anguish over the loss of love or a nonreciprocated love among people who are capable of high and fine thoughts will never make a person coarse. Those who are sensitive and fine have only to ask themselves whether they can tolerate any obligatory relation, and an emphatic no would be the reply. But most people continue to live near each other although they have long ceased to live with each other---a life fertile enough for the operation of jealousy, whose methods go all the way from opening private correspondence to murder. Compared with such horrors, open adultery seems an act of courage and liberation."

"Each is a small cosmos in himself, engrossed in his own thoughts and ideas. It is glorious and poetic if these two worlds meet in freedom and equality. Even if this lasts but a short time it is already worthwhile"

The full text is here and it is quite enlightening. I greatly recommend it.

The lyric for todays recommended listening are close to my heart on many levels and I find that it aptly describes the first issue I touched upon today, especially the line "If love is blind I think I'll buy myself a cane". I hope my disjointed thought process today has not translated into an altogether unreadable piece of slop.

Locomotive - Guns n Roses

GONNA FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS LONELINESS
YEAH I'LL FIND A WAY TO CURE THIS PAIN
IF I SAID THAT YOU'RE MY FRIEND
AND OUR LOVE WOULD NEVER END
HOW LONG BEFORE I HAD YOUR TRUST AGAIN
I OPENED UP THE DOORS WHEN IT WAS COLD OUTSIDE
HOPIN' THAT YOU'D FIND YOUR OWN WAY IN
BUT HOW CAN I PROTECT YOU
OR TRY NOT TO NEGLECT YOU
WHEN YOU WON'T TAKE THE LOVE I HAVE TO GIVE
I BROUGHT ME AN ILLUSION
AN I PUT IT ON THE WALL
I LET IT FILL MY HEAD WITH DREAMS
AND I HAD TO HAVE THEM ALL
BUT OH THE TASTE IS NEVER SO SWEET
AS WHAT YOU'D BELIEVE IT IS...
WELL I GUESS IT NEVER IS
IT'S THESE PREJUDICED ILLUSIONS
THAT PUMP THE BLOOD
TO THE HEART OF THE BIZ

YOU KNOW THAT I NEVER THOUGHT
THAT IT COULD TAKE SO LONG
YOU KNOW I NEVER KNEW HOW TO BE STRONG
YEAH, I LET YOU SHAPE ME
BUT I FEEL AS THOUGH YOU RAPED ME
'CAUSE YOU CLIMBED INSIDE MY WORLD
AND IN MY SONGS
SO NOW I'VE CLOSED THE DOOR
TO KEEP THE COLD OUTSIDE
SEEMS SOMEHOW I'VE FOUND THE WILL TO LIVE
BUT HOW CAN I FORGET YOU
OR TRY NOT TO REJECT YOU
WHEN WE BOTH KNOW IT TAKES TIME TO FORGIVE

SWEETNESS IS A VIRTUE
AND YOU LOST YOUR VIRTUE LONG AGO
YOU KNOW I'D LIKE TO HURT YOU
BUT MY CONSCIENCE ALWAYS TELLS ME NO
YOU COULD SELL YOUR BODY ON THE STREET
TO ANYONE WHOM YOU MIGHT MEET
WHO'D LOVE TO TRY AND GET INSIDE
AND BUST YOUR INNOCENCE OPEN WIDE

'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO

GONNA HAVE SOME FUN WITH MY FRUSTRATION
GONNA WATCH THE BIG SCREEN IN MY HEAD
I'D RATHER TAKE A DETOUR
'CAUSE THIS ROAD AIN'T GETTIN' CLEARER
YOUR TRAIN OF THOUGHT HAS CUT ME OFF AGAIN
BETTER TAME THAT BOY 'CAUSE HE'S A WILD ONE
BETTER TAME THAT BOY FOR HE'S A MAN
SWEETHEART DON'T MAKE ME LAUGH
YOU'S GETTIN' TOO BIG FOR YOUR PANTS
AND I'S THINK MAYBE YOU SHOULD
CUT OUT WHILE YOU CAN
YOU CAN USE YOUR ILLUSION
LET IT TAKE YOU WHERE IT MAY
WE LIVE AND LEARN
AND THEN SOMETIMES IT'S BEST TO WALK AWAY
ME I'M JUST HERE HANGIN' ON
IT'S MY ONLY PLACE TO STAY AT LEAST
FOR NOW ANYWAY
I'VE WORKED TOO HARD FOR MY ILLUSIONS
JUST TO THROW THEM ALL AWAY

I'M TAKING TIME FOR QUIET CONSOLATION
IN PASSING BY THIS LOVE THAT'S PASSED AWAY
I KNOW IT'S NEVER EASY -
SO WHY SHOULD YOU BELIEVE ME
WHEN I'VE ALWAYS GOT SO MANY THINGS TO SAY
CALLING OFF THE DOGS A SIMPLE CHOICE IS MADE
'CAUSE PLAYFUL HEARTS
CAN SOMETIMES BE ENRAGED
YOU KNOW I TRIED TO WAKE YOU -
I MEAN HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE YOU
TO OPEN UP YOUR EYES AND TURN THE PAGE

KINDNESS IS A TREASURE -
AND IT'S ONE TO ME YOU'VE SELDOM SHOWN
SO I'LL SAY IT FOR GOOD MEASURE
TO ALL THE ONES LIKE YOU I'VE KNOWN
YA KNOW I'D LIKE TO SHAVE YOUR HEAD
AND ALL MY FRIENDS COULD PAINT IT RED
'CAUSE LOVE TO ME'S A TWO WAY STREET
AN ALL I REALLY WANT IS PEACE

BUT MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
NO

AFFECTION IS A BLESSING
CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR TORRID HEART
I TRIED TO KEEP THIS THING TA-GETHER
BUT THE TREMOR TORE MY PAD APART
YEAH I KNOW IT'S HARD TO FACE
WHEN ALL WE'VE WORKED FOR'S GONE TO WASTE
BUT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID WOMAN
AND I'M SUCH A STUPID MAN
BUT LOVE LIKE TIME'S GOT IT'S OWN PLANS

'CAUSE MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
MY BABY'S GONE OFF THE TRACK
MY BABY'S GOT A LOCOMOTIVE
GOT TA PEEL THE BITCH OFF MY BACK
I KNOW IT LOOKS LIKE I'M INSANE
TAKE A CLOSER LOOK I'M NOT TO BLAME
YEAH
IF LOVE IS BLIND I GUESS I'LL BUY MYSELF A CANE

LOVE'S SO STRANGE

Today is a day to be weary. Weary of the trappings of the human condition. Weary of the tangled webs we weave. Weary of everyone's opinion and of the consequences they bring. Weary of being honest and considerate only to have these things thrown back in one's face or simply have them fade like ripples in a pond. I know I am only writing in water. In aqua scribis. Futile.


I have skirted a situation which could have gone deeper than I wanted. It could have been very painful but now it is simply an uncomfortable ache. I am too old for the games and the longings and the unfulfilled promises of hypothetical tomorrows. I am learning once again to walk away from things that won't last. I am letting go of things that won't come to me freely and willingly. I force nothing, which is not to say I make no effort. Effort does not equal pressure. I seek not what is not to be mine, for I ask for nothing. Perhaps that is what is wrong with me, however. My generally easygoing nature. People take it to mean I don't care, or that I don't want enough or that it is giving them license to leave me aside. Kindness is not something to take lightly, but sadly it is often taken for granted in a world that is far too cold for anyone with a beating, bloody heart.

I am tired. So I think I will close up the gates again. Shut the door for a while and wisen up a little. I fool myself into trusting people to be reciprocate even though I am sometimes led by them to think so. I am tired again. Emotional output depleted. Spiritual discharge spilt beyond the point of health. I am only disappointed in myself. I should know better.


Evidence - Faith No More

If you want to open the hole
Just put your head down and go
Step beside the piece of the circumstance
Got to wash away the taste of evidence
Wash it away(evidence)
I didnt feel a thing
It didnt mean a thing
Look in the eye and testify:
I didnt feel a thing
Anything you say, we know youre guilty
Hands above your head,
And you wont even feel me
You wont feel me


If this is it - Huey Lewis and The News


Ive been phoning night and morning
I heard you say tell him Im not home
Now youre confessing, but Im still guessing
Ive been your fool for so so long
Girl dont lie, just to save my feelings
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Girl dont try to make up phony reasons
Id rather leave than never believe

If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so

Youve been thinking
And Ive been drinking
We both know that its just not right
Now youre pretending
That its not ending
Youll say anything to avoid a fight
Girl dont lie, and tell me that you need me
Girl dont cry, and tell me nothings wrong
Ill be alrightone way or another
So let me go, or make we want to stay

If this is it
Please let me know
If this aint love youd better let me know
If this is it
I want to know
If this aint love baby, just say so

04/05/2009

Riptide...
Flowing contradictions
Wind-whipped, tatters torn.
Diluvial aftermath worn
Given to flight; wont of running away
In uncertain times with uncertain companions
At the first sign of adversion

The heart is light when light is bright
And love flows unhindered
Uncertain bedfellows weigh it dearly
For uncertain then turns its nature

Fleeting is then emotion pure
Sullied by the whims of mind and time
Where surely there once lived hope
Warts of weakness now fester

Feral grows the soul as it sheds the trappings of convention
Tired of the games and the feeble lover's question
Weary of the hunt and the erstwhile friend's suggestion
Fed-up with the ancient rhyme

Withdrawal

Becoming dependent to something which has been missing in one's life for a prolonged period of time is easy. All too easy. We seem to be creatures of proclivities and desires and fall prey to our own traps more often than not. It's all rather difficult to deal with when one knows that dependences all spawn from within, from the weaknesses and deficiencies that are inevitably part of who we are. It is no less harrowing by the knowing of this simple fact, that we still suffer these dependences and, like any one person suffering from a physical addiction to a controlled substance, we cannot help but grow surly, our moods swinging wildly as we seek to tame this dragon that has claimed our souls as its dwelling.

Is this the nature of Love? Is Love nothing more nothing more than an addiction? What evidence do we have to the contrary? Are we so broken that we can only find ourselves in the throes of this tyranical feeling when we are laid prostrate and prone? I cannot conceive of feeling like that and being happy. Perhaps it is because feelings arise when there is yet little trust or proof thereof. Perhaps because time must work its wonders first before we can give of ourselves as freely as we desire. Perhaps we are simply fools.

My dependences are rather simple. My daughter first and foremost. After spending three days without seeing her I literally became very moody. I was basically in a bad mood during the entirety of the third day and, today being the fourth day, during the morning after. I have spent some time with her now so it is all returning back to normal. Now all that remains is the other more recent dependence which I am currently trying to cull or, at the least, reign in to a semblance of tolerability. Four days at least to see how far I can stand withdrawal and if such a state effects meaningful changes on my disposition to the object of such an addiction. Four but probably seven days total. A whole week. Ask any smack-head if that's a short span of time.

Why do I torture myself so in the second case? Because I hate being vulnerable, not because I feel like I'm the only one in the two-way exchange feeling like this, that couldn't be any less important to me, but because I simply feel bad. Whether the counterpart feels anything at all is of little consequence as pain is the eventual byproduct of any emotional investment. It is a constant which I have learnt to accept and subsequently expect without giving it much thought, a thought barely out of mind. But I have to slay this dragon before it becomes something bigger than me. I have been warned off once already, after a certain "moment", an opening up of hearts, momentary though it was. I know full well that this all stems from my heart being tender, from the wounds that are still healing and the longing to be loved. But is no less real in light of its odd beginnings.

I once killed an ideal, not similar, but perhaps worse. Bigger, meaner and considerably stronger. Something that grew inside my head and seeped into my heart to become a giant, an ogre that tore down bridges of the soul. I killed it, not so long ago. I killed it as I have killed other, lesser things. But do I dare kill this now or is it possible to tame it? Am I simply going insane and letting chemicals have the better of me? Could I not for once receive actual cares and tenderness without running the gauntlet of my mind in search of a way into peace? Already I have thought of running away, a foolish notion given that no matter where I go what I have inside stays there, with me. No running. Not this time.

I wanted something meaninful. Maybe this is it? I'd rather not invest myself on this too heavily or invest on it any terms and concepts. It's time to let it flow. I shall be at peace and proceed with no-action. No resistance and no scheming. Sadly, some people take this as being a pushover... odd that one's amiability and pleasant nature would give that impression. The last person that mistook my dedication for weakness may be doing fine today, but surely there won't another as foolish as me to cling to. I hope this time they will want to know me... really know me.

The song today is not for anyone in particular, but it accurately depicts my disposition towards matters sentimental.

Jason Mraz - I'm Yours

Well you done done me and you bet I felt it
I tried to be chill but you're so hot that I melted
I fell right through the cracks
Now I'm trying to get back
Before the cool done run out
I'll be giving it my bestest
And nothing's going to stop me but divine intervention
I reckon it's again my turn to win some or learn some

I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait, I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment babay sing with me
We're just one big family
And It's our God-forsaken right to be loved love loved love loved

So I won't hesitate no more, not yours
It cannot wait I'm sure
There's no need to complicate
Our time is short
This is our fate, I'm yours

Scooch on over closer dear
And i will nibble your ear

I've been spending way too long checking my tongue in the mirror
And bending over backwards just to try to see it clearer
But my breath fogged up the glass
And so I drew a new face and laughed
I guess what I'm be saying is there ain't no better reason
To rid yourself of vanity and just go with the seasons
It's what we aim to do
Our name is our virtue

But I won't hesitate no more, no more
It cannot wait I'm yours

Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and damn you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find that the sky is yours
Please don't, please don't, please don't
There's no need to complicate
Cause our time is short
This oh this this is out fate, I'm yours!

Focus

Amidst this onslaught of inner turmoil I have slowly regained some sense of logic, exerting, through great effort, some discipline on my feelings. I must focus on the projects and goals I set for myself and once again attempt to balance the evergrowing amount of variables in my life.

Everything feels good. Even the things that might be unpleasant to other persons, caused by my simple proximity to said persons, is easily enough overcomable. Can;t think very well right now, but all seems to be relatively well.




Japan - Devin Townsend

Time waits for no one
No holy saviour came again
It's here now, my old friend
And it's time to go home...
Back to the stars
Now I know how it sounds
But I know how I feel
And this boredom kicks into the aligned
The invisible and the divine
And the lights upon the hill at night
They have followed me young
And into tomorrow

No time for you
Time alone
This time I think I've found it
Goodbye my love
It came for me
I'm going back to Japan

Fuck you, Carrot!

That's right. I fucking hate the carrot. It just dangles there in front of me, never any closer despite it's whispered promises and veiled insinuations. Beta-carotene temptress, I confound you!

Every morning we wake to follow the races and pay out the gains as the song so succinctly says. Every day it's the same parade of manure with no seeming end in sight. Dreams to follow, sullied and trampled in the dirt. We keep them alive but it's hard to clean them off and continue to labor on them. We are pathetic and yet strive for greatness on a daily basis, struggling through self-loathing that can only come from honest artistic vision.

Fuck you, Carrot! The only satisfaction I have is that if one day, by some ironic twist of fate I actually catch you, I'll eat you and excrete you. That's right, you pompous, supercilious bastard!

*SIGH* I hate you, Carrot.


Someone Else - Queensryche

When I fell from grace I never realized
How deep the flood was around me
A man whose life was toil was like a kettle left to boil
And the water left these scars on me

The chains I wore were mine, dragging me towards my fate
Planned for me long ago

I played by all their rules, went to their right schools

Who was I to question?

They used to say I was nowhere man
Heading down was my destiny
But yesterday I swear that was
Someone Else not me

Here I stand at the crossroad's edge
Afraid to reach out for eternity
One step when I look down
I see someone else, not me

I know now who I am, if only for awhile
I recognize the changes
I feel like I did, before the magic wore thin
And the baptism of stains began

Sacrifice, the always say... is a sign of nobility
But where does one draw the line in the face of injury?
I'm just trying to understand

Standing here at the crossroad's edge
Looking down at what I used to be
A drowning man, trying to stay afloat
Heavy with the past, but somehow keeping hope
That there's something more that is seen
But it's somewhere out of reach

So I keep looking back
Looking back and I see someone else

All my life they said I was going down
But I'm still standing stronger proud

And today I know, there's so much more I can be
I think I finally understand

From where I stand at the crossroad's edge
There's a path leading out to sea
And from somewhere deep in my mind
Sirens sing out loud, songs of doubt, as only they know how
But one glance back reminds and I see
Someone Else, not me.

I keep looking back at Someone Else... me?

As Sweet as a Baby's Smile

Is there something you can say that is absolutely genuine and pure? An expresion of human feeling that is thoroughly devoid of ulterior motive and negativy? What show of emotion could be as whole and overwhelming?

A baby's smile. I muse over this subject because of my experience with my little treasure, my 1 year old daughter. Over the course of her little life so far I've been constantly amazed and left nigh breathless with her tiniest discoveries, with her minute to minute triumphs and hardships. Every little thing that she does, her reactions and general demeanor fill me with such happiness that I wonder if anyone ever has felt such bliss. But the one gesture, the one expression that trumps it all - or perhaps the one at the heart of such wonderful a creature - is her smile. A baby's smile. Such a seemingly simple thing, yet one never done justice by the fascimile of photography, as one cannot possibly experience it's sheer magnitude without the buildup, the peek and the ebb, seconds though it might take, as it is this motion, a dance of infantile muscles, that takes one's breath away. There is no single facial expression filled with such unbridled joy at life as that of a baby's smile. No single motion so hopeful and bright.

Last night I visited my daughter as she had gotten four vaccines for her 1-year-&-3-months earlier in the day. She's a brave little thing, hardly a tear shed where other children would weep openly for minutes on end. The moment I walked into the room, as she lay on the bed watching the television, her face lit up upon seeing me. This smile that warms my heart despite the fever brought on by the vaccines and the pain in her limbs no deterrent to the happiness I can bring to her life, the happiness that so characterizes this child. She makes me feel like, even if all else is lost to me and all my hopes and dreams are laid low, I can be useful by lighting up that face with my love.

A baby's smile. Nothing's sweeter than a baby's smile.

Syzygy

I unravel.

This past week has been emotionally momentous. My heart is alive with conflicting emotions and running the gamut from beatiful to horrible as far as feelings go. One moment I feel like nothing is wrong with my world, the next I'm feeling miserably dejected and stoically apathetic. Good things have happened, but good things also complicate the already complicated mosaic of thought within me.

Peolple once thought of as falling within a certain subjective category within the social schemes of one's own sphere suddenly shift onto a different strata, making one reasses how events and relationships might have evolved to that point. Like a crash in slow motion, a glacier inexorably moving towards a drifting ship, I ingored signs I would otherwise pick up on to seize and rather attributed them to other, more innocently intentioned origins. Semi-fraternal affections preventing one from objectively viewing a friend's behavioral patterns and therefore letting things grow by way of inaction, to some degree.

Not a bad thing at all. No. But a complicated one, should things grow, as they are so oftenly wont, out of the confines of the realm of the reasonable. Is there danger of such a thing occurring? Yes, the danger is not only possible but highly probable. Will this person know how I truly am and be able to accept me accordingly? No one's been found yet that might actually match this requirement.

Things might be best left to linger a little, ignoring the issue of permanence and that of feelings beyond the here-and-now. Focus only lighting on the bliss to be derived from the ephemeral nature of these things and the intensity with which one feels as these things come. The object of my interest, so to speak, will be leaving on a potentially permanent journey of sorts. A reason for both joy and sorrow - is anything with me ever clear cut on one side of the spectrum? - as my heart has not entirely found it's home again and this sudden burst of fire within has caused a major conflagration. The last thing I want to do is hurt anyone, much less a person such as this. Sorrow, though, for the knowledge that timing has once again taken the best of me. Serendipity, causality, whatever. It all converges in this dance of emotions and desires, of thought and action conflicting, warring, subsiding and subversively rising up again. This person will leave and, the gods willing, find her raison-d'etre, her north in life. Whether I'm anywhere in there in the near future or far, a trifle matter that surely concerns powers higher than mine. My hopes? I don't even know them sometimes.

Hence the nature of our current arrangement. I'm a nice note, a paragraph in a chapter of a person's book. One fondly remembered for life? That may be more than most can hope for. Do I truly want to be something more significant in another person's life? It's scary to think of it. It terrifies me. I was significant, or so I thought, not so long ago. Alas, I mistook "useful" for "significant" and branded myself a monumental fool. I don't think I can be significant for anyone any time soon. I can be meaningful, that I most certainly can be. Meaningful and ephemeral, yet everlasting and unsullied. A memory shining in the distance, which light may warm the holder in times of struggle and adversity. I can be meaningful.

It is frustrating, to be in this state, within. Like I'm only a half-person. Incomplete, inadequate, neither here nor there. A fleshly ghost. Wherefore do I haunt?

Shotgun Shenanigans

It's been about two weeks since I had a nice shotgun pulled on me from a nondescript dark automobile with dark tinted windows with the intetion of taking the worldly belonging which I happened to carry in my trusty old backpack at a little past midnight on a Monday. Oddly enough, I didn't seem to panic; I actually looked at the shotgun and its wielder without stopping and hissed derogatorily - almost despectively! -, did and odd jump/step (perhaps as if to run) and kept on walking, thinking to myself that I was going to get shot in the back at any moment. A number of things confabulated into saving my skinny white ass from dying and getting robbed. First, my reaction (or near lack thereof) must have put a chink in the would-be robbers' armor, their aggressiveness thwarted momentarily by my impervious visage, surely they must have been dumbfounded by my indiference to their phallus-substitute and primitive and otherwise peremptory barks. Second, a nightwatchman - one without a weapon, mind you -, roused by my intented tormentors' yelling, came to see what was going on, yelling "Que esta pasando aqui!" (what's going on here!), this called attention from the staff at an all-night gas station some 50 feet away, which would factor into my Third saving factor. Now, the watchman, seeing the shotgun, dove behind a parked car, I walked by past him, sparing him a look and a smile and asking "What was that about!?" motioning with my head towards the thugs behind me. I made my way to the gas station where a friend was waiting for me while he pumped some air into his car tires and told the man with some disbelief "you know, I think they just pulled a shotgun on me..."

It's been strange month; not the nicest span of time lately, what with being sick back-to-back (intestinal infection, throat infection, nasty coughs and the removal of a wisdom tooth) and in-your-face evidence of this country's social decay, I'm feeling strangely lucky despite my maladies. I'm just luckier than ever to be alive, that much I know. Should I buy a lotto ticket or something?

In any case, some lyrics for the day, below.

Walking On The Moon - sting

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could live together
Walking on, walking on the moon

Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Walking back from your house
Walking on the moon
Feet they hardly touch the ground
Walking on the moon
My feet dont hardly make no sound
Walking on, walking on the moon

Some may say
Im wishing my days away, no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play

Giant steps are what you take
Walking on the moon
I hope my legs dont break
Walking on the moon
We could walk for ever
Walking on the moon
We could be together
Walking on, walking on the moon

Some may say
Im wishing my days away no way
And if its the price I pay, some say
Tomorrows another day, youll stay
I may as well play

Slave To The Grind - Skid Row

You got me forced to crack
My lids in two
Im still stuck inside this rubber room
I gotta punch the clock that
Leads the blind
Im just another gear in the assembly
Line - oh no

The noose gets tighter around
My throat
But I aint at the end of my rope cause
I wont be the one left behind
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind

Get it?

A routine injection, a lethal dose
But my day in the sun aint even close
Theres no need to waste
Your prayers on me
You better mark my words
cause im history
Yes indeed

You might beg for mercy to get by
But id rather tear this thorn
From my side

I wont be the one left behind
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
Cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind

They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide

They swallowed thier daggers by
Turning their trick
They tore my intentions apart
Brick by brick
Im sick of the jive
You talk verbal insecticide

I wont be the one left behind

You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind
Tear down the rat racial slime
You cant be king of the world
If youre slave to the grind

I said slave to the grind
Slave to the grind
Slave to the grind



Helloween
If I Could Fly lyrics

No fear, no pain
Nobody left to blame
I'll try alone
Make destiny my own
I learn to free my mind
Myself I now must find
Once more
Once more
Refrén:

If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly

So here I am
In solitude I stand
I've got dreams inside I need to realize
My faith has grown
No fear of the unknown
No more
No more

If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly

If I could fly
If I could, if I could, fly

If I could, if I could, fly If I could,
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
To the heavens I sail
If I could fly
Like the king of the sky
Could not tumble nor fall
I would picture it all
If I could fly
See the world through my eyes
Would not stumble nor fail
I could ravage my jail
If I could fly

Fever Dreams

One cannot always live in the palaces and state apartments of language,
but we can refuse to spend our days in searching for its vilest slums.
--William Watson

While taking a nap at work I thought of a little line or two I would use to write a little something... but this was seconds before falling into shallow sleep for a few minutes so it is now lost to the recesses of my subconcious mind. This reminds me of a line I spewed in a rare bout of eloquence while chatting with my friend Das Vassen, the line in question actually caught his eye so he actually uses it as a quote... I am quite flattered, I must say! "Like dreams that fade the more you try to recall them" is what I believe I said... Dreams...

I have a lovely case of pharingitis! It took a week of expensive meds and rest for it to develop into an infection... I should've let it be and we would've arrived at the same damn spot in just as long or less... oh well. Doc gave me some antibiotics and antihistaminics. This should pan out well.

Iron Maiden gig tomorrow. I can't seem to muster any excitement for it, but I'll go anyways, though I will miss sing out the songs along with the band.

Oh! It also appears to be Dr. Seuss's Birthday, today.

Some more lyrics for songs that inspire and/or touch me.

Bah!


Skid Row - Into Another


Slowly I heal the love that's found its way
Onto another path in times of change
Crossing a bridge unknown
Hoping our strength will hold
Should they both let go then let me lay
.....Let me lay

(Chorus)
Show me a sign
To a light that shines
One direction into another
Sheltered peace of mind

Somewhere I lost a piece of memory
Somehow I know my legs will carry me
Searching for circles end
Hoping the wounds will mend
Should this scar, then it was meant to be



Interpol - The Scale

I have a sequin for an eye
Pick a rose and hide my face
This is the bandit's life
It comes and goes and then's the breaks
Under a molten sky, beyond the road, we lie in wait
You think they know us now?
Wait 'til the stars come out
You'll see that

Well, I made you and now I take you back
It's too late but today I can define the lack
I made you and now I take you back

Sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right
My sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right

I can still feel it when you lie
Pick a rose just to hide my face
Well, if there's something I should know
I seek no science when there is no shape
Under a molten sky, let the days collide
Well, I made you and now I take you back

Sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right
My sun, you sleep in clouds of fire
That's all and that's right

Incoherence Freki

Vex the kissing maiden
Broken hearts unfurl
Suture ripping open
Ships assailed by stormy winds
Aerie days of joyous banter
Lulling with the feeble skin
Flesh to flesh I shall devour
Broken hearts grow dull

Arson of my flagrant passion
Stabbing at the rightful heir
Of the love the maiden dares profess
The altar sullied by the offering
Blindly does the mare follow
Where the stallion reluctantly leads?
Lies to lies, the wine grows sour
Stabbing at the plightful heir

Grating on my sense of self
Smiling wily is the temptress
Aging in the moonlit night
Mead pours on the land of the faceless
Bloody mouths agape in lust
Farewells are whispered in the darkness
Eyes to eyes the would-be lovers
Smiling wrily is the temptress

Nightshifting it on the down-low

I've got a lovely evening of night shift ahead of me and the following are some of the many gems I'll be delighting my ears with for the duration of this long evening.

Yeah. Slow and nothing to fucking write about.


Simple Minds - Hypnotised

I can feel the whole world spinning around

I'm losing ground

I feel it every day

And I can feel you coming inside out

I'm losing touch with all reality

I remember the look in your eyes

The way that they pulled me inside

All I've got now in my defence is my innocence

I've been hypnotised



I can hear the church bells ringing out

Reminds me of some bright and sunshine day

When all the pretty horses you would ride

Would come right back to feel your energy



I still remember the look in your eyes

The way that they filled me inside

All I've got now in my defence

Is my innocence

I've been hypnotised



You know it won't be easy

It's never easy

I've been hypnotised

It won't be easy



If you've got a heart that burns inside

Let me get inside let me tangle with the flames

If you've got a light that burns inside

The heat will rise and melt down once again



I'm waiting for a sign, help me realign

Maybe it's a sin I know but it's not a crime

All I know, I've been hypnotised



Maybe there's a way I can find a way

Final hour Judgement day

All I know, I've been hypnotised



And then I realise

Katatonia - Clean Today

all the white lights falling

the blue lights are falling
night is warm
came down with a promise
I have my best shirt on
I lower myself now
it is a way to forget
of last year's failure

WILL THE STREETLIGHTS REFLECT ME WELL ENOUGH
AM I TRANSPARENT WHEN I AM CLEAN
WILL THE DARKNESS AROUND ME BE SO STRONG
THAT THERE IS NO WAY I CAN BE SEEN

boys will we become
heroes of this night
or am I just happy
whenever not sober
I cleaned myself well
clean today

and when I pause for a breath
I see millions like me

Katatonia - The Future of Speech


my prospects have become less promising
i find it hard to believe in anything
seems I lost my world and so I lost my faith
and I can't go back to where I've been

a brand new day
it can't get worse
hear myself say
it can't get worse

I have no lies or truth in what I say
there is no meaning
the words are numb and I am so afraid
there is no meaning

this is another chance or so I'm told
by these who can push themselves at any cost
they bless me with their fingers crossed
my youth is stolen, transformed and sold

Something should be ending...

That's what I feel.

Not that I'm contemplating suicide or anything like that but I feel like I'm somehow saying goodbye to things in general and I really don't know what to make of it. A lot of the things I've done out of impulse in the last couple of weeks have been spurred by this strange sensation that I don't have a lot of time... I don't feel like I'm dying, I guess, or that life is passing me by any more than usual, but it certainly feels, well, strange.

Something should be ending, and I don't mean my recently dead marriage or some other allegorical hubris. Something should be ending and I don't quite understand this.

In any case, since I'm such a shit writer these days I have been wallowing in self-indulgent contemplation and have picked a few lyrics from the songs I've been playing the most.

Plowed - Sponge

Will I wake up
Is it a dream I made up
No I guess its reality
What will change us
Or will we mess up
Our only chance to connect
With a dream

Say a prayer for me
Im buried by the sound
In a world of human
Wreckage
Im lost and Im found
And I cant touch the
Ground
Im plowed into the sound

To see wide open
With a head thats broken
Hang a life on a tragedy
Plow me under the ground
That covers the message
That is the seed



Promises Broken - Soul Asylum

Streets are filled with broken glass
You get buried by the past
Give me just a little taste
Lay this mess to waste
Take me home

My mind is racing take me home
My body's aching so alone
Ill make you want to stay with me
Befriended by the enemy
One more time

And every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

Looking outside from my window sill
Throw another coin in the wishing well
Youll never find what youre looking for
Fifteen miles
Your dim light shines from so far away
Your sad smile
Is all I see when I say

That every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now

From the hotel satellite
Dont look like youre living right
Heres a deal you cant refuse
You aint got as much to lose

Can you tell your troubles to
Someone who wont laugh at you
Its all right
And as I watch you walk away
Hope a part of you would stay
Its all right

And every little thing about this tells me
Nothing out there is ever gonna help me
All these words that I hear spoken just promises broken now



Somebody to Shove - Soul Asylum

Grandfather watches the grandfather clock
And the phone hasnt rang for so long
And the time flies by like a vulture in the sky
Suddenly he breaks into song

Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone
Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone

Hello, speak up, is there somebody there?
These hang-ups are getting me down
In a world frozen over with over-exposure
Lets talk it over, lets go out and paint the town

Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone

Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me

Youre a dream for insomniacs, prize in the cracker jacks
All the difference in the world is just a call away

And Im waiting by the phone
Waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone
Yes Im waiting by the phone
Im waiting for you to call me up and tell me Im not alone

Cause I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me
Yes I want somebody to shove
I need somebody to shove
I want somebody to shove me


Crowing - Toad the Wet Sprocket


Been waiting
To find
You couldve been happier
Given the time
If hed make up his mind
Youd give yourself to anybody
Who would cross that line

Chorus:
And it was never question
He was crowing for repair
Youd give him love and affection
But you couldnt keep him there

Get over regrets
While you were sleeping with the angels
He was under the bed
And the more skin
That you shed
The more that the air in your throat will linger
When you call him your friend

Chorus

Staring at a cold little hand
Reading fault lines
Of a shell of a man
You were waiting for a word from above
Wouldnt you know it
No answer ever did come

And it was never question
You were crowing for repair
Youd give him love and affection
But you couldnt keep him there


Livin' on my Own - Freddie Mercury

Sometimes I feel I'm gonna break down and cry
Nowhere to go, nothing to do with my time
I get lonely, so lonely, living on my own

Sometimes I feel I'm always walking too fast
And everything is coming down on me, down on me
I go crazy
Oh so crazy - living on my own

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Got to be some good times ahead

Sometimes I feel nobody gives me no warning
Find my head is always up in the clouds
In a dreamworld
It's not easy - living on my own

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Got to be some good times ahead

Dee do de de, dee do de de
I don't have no time for no monkey business
Dee do de de, dee do de de
I get so lonely, lonely, lonely, lonely, yeah
Got to be some good times ahead





True Faith - New Order

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
I dont care cause Im not there
And I dont care if Im here tomorrow
Again and again Ive taken too much
Of the things that cost you too much
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

When I was a very small boy,
Very small boys talked to me
Now that weve grown up together
Theyre afraid of what they see
Thats the price that we all pay
Our valued destiny comes to nothing
I cant tell you where were going
I guess there was just no way of knowing
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

I feel so extraordinary
Somethings got a hold on me
I get this feeling Im in motion
A sudden sense of liberty
The chances are weve gone too far
You took my time and you took my money
Now I fear youve left me standing
In a world thats so demanding
I used to think that the day would never come
Id see delight in the shade of the morning sun
My morning sun is the drug that brings me near
To the childhood I lost, replaced by fear
I used to think that the day would never come
That my life would depend on the morning sun...

Hibiscus days

The unraveling ended, I had the pleasure of having my daughter sleep over with me couple of days back. Uneasy night as it is the first time she spends the night in this house and surely enough she wanted to play with the dogs at 2 in the morn.

Come morning we played in the sun. My baby girl gets a sweet kick out of running up and down an incline in the garage. There are hibiscus bushes so I taught her how to drink their nectar, she was pleasantly delighted.

Took the bus to her mother's place, she fell asleep on my chest. Cannot help but remember the first time she fell asleep on me, that first day at the hospital. My heart broke a little more when having to leave her sleeping, not really saying goodbye, but it's better than her crying over me leaving.

So tired now. Haven't slept well. Should take a nap. Fedor fights tonigh and I mustn't miss that. I need to buy a proper bed. My neck is killing me.

So.

Lumpy throat
Limpy ways
Wonky coat
Worky days
Little pup
Left behind
Fickle cup
Looping twine

So tired, so tired... so tired.

Weepy eyes
Whiny quips
Sleepy sighs
Briny ships
Oldie twang
Hearty thump
Nasty clang
Snarky hump

So weary, so weary... so weary.

Rheumy bones
Cracky teeth
Oddly tones
Wrappy seethe
Klunky crab
Sightly flee
Handy grab
Nightly free

So...

Soundtrack to my current state of life

So I've exhausted my creative drive and now all I have is the music to hold on to. Shit post from a horrible little butt-plug, but it is the best I can do right now. The first is basically for my daughter, borrowing from the Jim Croce, wherever his spirit inhabits today. All else may as well be trivial.

Time In a Bottle - Jim Croce

If I could save time in a bottle
The first thing that Id like to do
Is to save every day
Till eternity passes away
Just to spend them with you

If I could make days last forever
If words could make wishes come true
Id save every day like a treasure and then,
Again, I would spend them with you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with

If I had a box just for wishes
And dreams that had never come true
The box would be empty
Except for the memory
Of how they were answered by you

But there never seems to be enough time
To do the things you want to do
Once you find them
Ive looked around enough to know
That youre the one I want to go
Through time with


The Turn of a Friendly Card pt. 1 & 2 - Alan Parsons

There are unsmiling faces and bright plastic chains
And a wheel in perpetual motion
And they follow the races and pay out the gains
With no show of an outward emotion

And they think it will make their lives easier
For God knows up till now it's been hard
But the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card
No the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card

There's a sign in the desert that lies to the west
Where you can't tell the night from the sunrise
And not all the king's horses and all the king's men
Have prevented the fall of the unwise

And they think it will make their lives easier
For God knows up till now it's been hard
But the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card
No the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card

But a pilgrim must follow in search of a shrine
As he enters inside the cathedral...

There are unsmiling faces in fetters and chains
On a wheel in perpetual motion
Who belong to all races and answer all names
With no show of an outward emotion

And they think it will make their lives easier
But the doorway before them is barred
And the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card
No the game never ends when your whole world depends
On the turn of a friendly card


Don't Answer Me - Alan Parsons

If you believe in the power of magic,
I can change your mind
And if you need to believe in someone,
Turn and look behind
When we were living in a dream world,
Clouds got in the way
We gave it up in a moment of madness
And threw it all away

Don't answer me, don't break the silence
Don't let me win
Don't answer me, stay on your island
Don't let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things we've said and done?

If you believe in the power of magic,
It's all a fantasy
So if you need to believe in someone,
Just pretend it's me
It ain't enough that we meet as strangers
I can't set you free
So will you turn your back forever on what you mean to me?

Don't answer me, don't break the silence
Don't let me win
Don't answer me, stay on your island
Don't let me in

Run away and hide from everyone
Can you change the things we've said and done?


I Wouldn't Want to be like You - Alan Parsons

If I had a mind to,
I wouldn't want to think like you.
And if I had time to
I wouldn't want to talk to you.

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.

If I was high class
I wouldn't need a buck to pass.
And if I was a fall guy,
I wouldn't need no alibi...

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.

Back on the bottom line,
Diggin' for a lousy dime.
If I hit a mother lode,
I'd cover anything that showed.

I don't care
What you do,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I don't care
What you do...
I wouldn't wanna,
I wouldn't want to be like you.
I wouldn't want to be like you.


Feed the Fire - Ark

I Saw Her Face In A Magazine

She Was There Smiling Back At Me

It Was A Spark To The Fire And I Flew Higher

Her Hair As Black As Coal

Her Eyes We're Slightly Blue

Am I Imagining The Beauty Reflecting



Will She Ever Know My Name

I'm Dreaming

That Someday She'll Be Mine



It's Love That Feeds The Fire

In For Desire I Dive Endlessly

I Can't Stop Believing

Love Will Be There



I Know You're Out There Somewhere

My Dreams Are All About You

Baby We Could Walk Through Fire

Your Power I Desire

Loving From A Distance

Ain't Got No Resistance

Behind Your Made Up Face

Your Secrets Embrace



Will She Ever Know My Name

I'm Dreaming

Someday She'll Be Mine



It's Love That Feeds The Fire

In For Desire I Dive Endlessly

And I Can't Stop Believing

Love Will Be There

Love Will Feed The Fire

In For Desire I Dive Endlessly

I Can't Stop Believing

Love Will Be There.be There Some Day



The Burden is Mine... Alone - Green Carnation

I feel the blood under my skin
like so many times before
this journey got the best of me
and I am sorry I couldn't wait anymore

The burden is mine... alone

I feel the blood under my skin
and I hate every part of me
how could I lose the only thing worth keeping
now I'm sorry I didn't wait for you

The burden is mine... alone


Strange Highways - Dio

It's a crazy world we live in
And I'm leaving it today
For another institution
Where crazy people play
Every time I climbed the mountain
And it turned into a hill
I promised me that I'd move on
And I will.

I, I, good for nothing
Going nowhere, so they say
Hey, someone give me blessings
For they say that I have sinned
That's when I crawl inside myself
And ride into the wind
On Strange Highways
On Strange Highways

Hey you! I want your number
Don't even wonder
We do things our way here
Questions
These are forbidden
We got no answers
Believe us anyway

So here is my confession:
It's the only broken rule
Sometimes I crawl inside of me
Where I can be the fool
On Strange Highways
On Strange Highways

Oh

You can see the other side
And you shall come over
You can't leave the other side
If you say I will

Everytime I climbed the mountain
And it turned into a hill
Well, I promised me
I'd disappear
And now I know I will

So, someone give me blessings
For the times you say I've sinned
So I can crawl inside myself
And ride into the wind
On Strange Highways
On Strange Highways

Questions
They're forbidden
Hey you, what's your number
Oh, we've got no answers
Don't you even wonder

Oh, Strange Highways
Ooh


Pile of Doubt - Green Carnation

I've been badly beaten
But somehow I've stumbled on
And this wonderland you planed for me
Never felt like home
And the more I tried the more I realized

I don't believe in things I cannot see
I've had enough
Don't you understand I'm half the man?
I've said enough
The life I used to live I have left behind
The pile of doubt you had in me
went on to shine I am over
I am gathered, strong unstoppable
[ Find more Lyrics at www.mp3lyrics.org/ZNN ]

You remember how I used to be
You remember a connection so strong
You remember how sweet it was
You remember only you
But the more I tried the more I realized

I don't believe in things I cannot see
I've had enough
Don't you understand I'm half the man?
I've said enough
The life I used to live I have left behind
The pile of doubt you had in me went on to shine

I am over
I am gathered, strong unstoppable

I don't believe in things I cannot see
I've had enough
Don't you understand I'm half the man?
I've said enough
The life I used to live I have left behind
The pile of doubt you had in me went on to shine



Torn - Ark

DO YOU FEEL THE PRESSURE OVERPOWERING
A UNIVERSAL FORCE
ASKING YOU FOR MORE
CUTTING TO THE CORE
AN UNSPEAKABLE SURRENDER

I'M DRIFTING ON A SUMMER WIND
I PRAY TO GOD HERE.I PRAY TO GOD

IN TRANCE FROM THE VERY BEGINNING
DANCING ON A DREAM
ASKING FOR MORE
EYES GETTING SOAR
UNDER THE STARLIGHT

I'M DRIFTING ON A SUMMER WIND
I PRAY TO GOD HERE
THROWN TO THE SUN
NO WARNING CAME
VISIONS OF LIGHT SO CLEAR
BUT I'M TORN

SO MANY PEOPLE FALLING DOWN
FRUSTRATED MASSES CRAWL
THE BLOOD OF THE EARTH
A PLANTED SEED
THE TOLLING OF BELLS REVEALED

I'M DRIFTING ON A SUMMER WIND
I PRAY TO GOD HERE
THROWN TO THE SUN
NO WARNING CAME
VISIONS OF LIGHT SO CLEAR
TORN


Just A Little - Ark

STRANGERS MEETING ON THE SURFACE OF THE EARTH
COMMUNICATING MAKING TRENDS FOR WHAT IT'S WORTH
SACRIFICIAL BLEEDINGS FROM THIS WONDERFUL MACHINE
FRANTICALLY CREATING ARTIFICIAL HUMAN BEINGS

MOVING FASTER AS WE KEEP OUR HOPES UP HIGH
MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WILL KNOW THE REASON WHY
ONLY LOVE CAN BRING US FORWARD

WE WON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - WE SHINE SO BRIGHT
'CAUSE WE ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
DANCE UPON THE WORLD - FLY LIKE A BIRD
TOUCH THE SKY AND ONE DAY MAYBE
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY

IN THE TEMPLE OF MISSINFORMATION WE ARE BORN
WARS FOUGHT AND CREATED ALL THE HEROES HAVE COME AND GONE
TRANSCENDING SIGNALS OUTSIDE THIS BIG BALLOON
PLAYING WITH NEEDLES UNDER SHADOWS OF THE MOON

MOVING FASTER AND WE KEEP OUR HOPES UP HIGH
MAYBE SOMEDAY WE WILL KNOW THE REASON WHY
ONLY LOVE CAN BRING US FORWARD
HOLDING HANDS TOGETHER

WE WON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - WE SHINE SO BRIGHT
'CAUSE WE ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
DANCE UPON THE WORLD - FLY LIKE A BIRD
TOUCH THE SKY AND ONE DAY MAYBE
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY

DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - YOU SHINE SO BRIGHT
'CAUSE YOU ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
DANCE UPON THE WORLD - FLY LIKE A BIRD
TOUCH THE SKY AND ONE DAY MAYBE
KEEP YOUR HEAD UP HIGH
DON'T GIVE UP THE FIGHT - WE SHINE SO BRIGHT
WE ARE JUST A LITTLE CRAZY
WE WON'T GIVE UP - WON'T GIVE UP - WON'T GIVE UP
JUST A LITTLE CRAZY - JUST A LITTLE


Where the Winds Blow - Ark

NOW I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING BABY
YOU SURE KNOW HOW TO KEEP A GOOD MAN DOWN
I GAVE YOU MY HEART AND SOUL
KEPT YOU WARM WHEN THE NIGHTS WERE COLD
YOU SAY YOU NEED SOME TIME TO THINK IT OVER
BUT I CAN'T WAIT NO MORE
DOWN THAT LONG WINDING ROAD I'LL GO
RUNNING FAST AIN'T LOOKING BACK

FOLLOW A CLEAR BLUE SKY
ON ALL THE DREAMS I'M DEPENDING
UNTIL THE DAY THAT I DIE
I'LL BE WAITING FOR SUNRISE

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A STRANGE LAND
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY... WOMAN

I KEEP ON PUSHING HARDER
EVERYDAY THE SONG
REMAINS THE SAME

AND I NEVER SEEM TO LEARN
BET MY HEART ON LOVE
NOW I GOT MEMORIES TO BURN
EVERYWHERE I GO THERE IS A TROUBLE
ALWAYS DOUBLE... BABY
SPEND MY TIME DRINKING TOO MUCH WINE

I CAN'T TAKE IT NO MORE

FOLLOW A CLEAR BLUE SKY
ON ALL THE DREAMS YOU'RE DEPENDING
UNTIL THE DAY THAT I DIE
I'LL BE WAITING FOR SUNRISE

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A STRANGE LAND
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

AND I'M ON THE RUN...

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW...
WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY

I KEEP ON PUSHING HARDER BABY

WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A STRANGE LAND
WILL I EVER SEE THE DAY
WHERE THE WINDS BLOW
THAT'S WHERE I GO
DOWN THE RIVER TO THE SEA
LIKE A BLIND MAN
IN A FOREIGN LAND
WILL I EVER SEE


Public Pervert - Interpol

If time is a vessel, then learning to love
Might be my way back to sea
The flying, the medal, the turning above
These are just ways to be seen
We all get paid
Yeah some get faith before they die
But the stars we will navigate
Through the holes in your eyes

How many days will it take to land?
How many ways to reach abandon?
You and I

Oh, so swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
You move with me, I'll treat you right, baby
May our bodies remain

There is love to be made
So just stay here for this while
Perhaps heart strings resuscitate
The fading sounds of your life

How many days will it take to land
How many ways to reach abandon?
Oh, you and I

So swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain
As weak we move, I'll feed you light, baby
May our bodies remain
Oh yeah in history, I'll treat you right, baby
I'm honest that way, hey
Swoon baby starry nights
May our bodies remain

Dying

Nightfires burning in the grave
burning, burning, burning
Erstwhile lover venom spits
burning, burning, burning
Lurid evening hints decay
burning, burning, burning

Rising sun to damn the pits
shining, shining, shining
Lighted pyres of the sane
shining, shining, shining
Lighthouse shimmers through the slits
shining, shining, shining

Heart is opening again
bleeding, bleeding,bleeding
Breathing like a new-born child
bleeding, bleeding, bleeding
Ever beating a refrain
bleeding, bleeding, bleeding

Set adrift, the soul grows wild
living, living, living
Loom is spinning gilded thread
living, living, living
Making light with wicked guile
living, living, living

Waxing/Waning

Cycles. That's what life is, summed up, as far as the procedural side of things.

Recent events have woken in me sensitivities I considered long dead. Persons have this effect in times when I expected the emotional landscape to be rather listless. I now stand corrected, a wiser man or perhaps a far bigger fool than I ever thought possible.

It is a joyous thing, this awakening of feelings; no longer numb inside. Alas, in winning, I also lose. I weep for the pain that I am to feel, perhaps in hopes that I would cry all that must be cried afore the coming of the daggers. It is strange. Strange things happen to this strange man. Is anyone surprised?

A winning loser, for knowing of a certain beauty that is beyond one's reach, for knowing that it was once within one's grasp. Into the tower once more, whence I shall look upon the world and those around me wonderingly. So many paths, so many loves, so many sacrifices.

A two-fold theme, in this time of endings. A two-fold song in the time of reawakening. I am open wide... and I have nothing... and in this emptiness I am tempered... I am again.


There is strange sweetness to our sorrows. Some satiating salvo in sadness. Bittersweet is always better. Unattainables that dance just slightly out of reach. The tangible intangible. The ridiculously simple made complex anew.

Perhaps this thing that became my everlasting moment, this little gift of ourselves to ourselves is but a trifle thing, though poignant in my mind and most certainly in my heart. Perhaps it is the test to a safer, saner route for you. Perhaps it proves the other the true. Jester in the court of mocking that I am, offer nothing, promise nothing, never enough. Court fool yet wise enough to know this endeavor would avail me naught, I must cut this from the root, lest affinities develop any further, most dire in light of the exponential growth of those affections cultivated in candleight and darkness gathered.

So, in an ode of sorts to a non-friend, in acknowledgement of what might once have been should circumstances have played out differently, in recognition of the if's, an everlasting moment, I think this song is fitting.

The Everlasting Moment - Green Carnation

A face will tell you stories
Some hands will always seem to care
The fading light that blurs you mind
You stumble on with your given time

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

You have a thousand reasons
But need only one to justify a cause
No one will ever teach you
The hunger you had slightly out of touch

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

Hey sister, take them with you
Hey brother, hurt will make you strong
Your tears will turn to laughter
A last look back and then your on

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

She'll kiss the sorrow goodbye
The everlasting moment is divine

Wisdom of the Havamal

I mentioned, in previous post, that I would take the All-father's wisdom to heart, and in my neatly evinced procrastination I indicated my favorite pearls thereof would be posted here. Well, here's a first: I'm actually following through on a promise!

I would think there's no need to explain what these excerps of the Havamal mean. Those interested in learning more of this wonderful text and scandinavian lore in general can follow the hyperlinks scattered on this here post.


A cowardly man
thinks he will ever live,
if warfare he avoids;
but old age will
give him no peace,
though spears may spare him.

All door-ways,
before going forward,
should be looked to;
for difficult it is to know
where foes may sit
within a dwelling.

Taciturn and prudent,
and in war daring
should a king’s children be;
joyous and liberal
every one should be
until the hour of his death

Liberal and brave men live best,
they seldom cherish sorrow;
but a base-minded man
dreads everything;
the niggardly is uneasy even at gifts.

Hotter than fire
love for five days burns
between false friends;
but is quenched
when the sixth day comes,
and friendship is all impaired.

He should early rise,
who another’s property or life
desires to have.
Seldom a sluggish wolf
gets prey,
or a sleeping man victory.

Much too early
I came to many places,
but too late to others;
the beer was drunk,
or not ready:
the disliked seldom hits the moment.

At eve the day is to be praised,
a woman after she is burnt,
a sword after it is proved,
a maid after she is married,
ice after it has passed away,
beer after it is drunk.

In the wind one should hew wood,
in a breeze row out to sea,
in the dark talk with a lass:
many are the eyes of day.
In a ship voyages are to be made,
but a shield is for protection,
a sword for striking,
but a damsel for a kiss.

In a maiden’s words
no one should place faith,
nor in what a woman says;
for on a turning wheel
have their hearts been formed,
and guile in their breasts been laid;

in a creaking bow,
a burning flame,
a yawning wolf,
a chattering crow,
a grunting swine,
a rootless tree,
a waxing wave,
a boiling kettle,
a flying dart,
a falling billow,
a one night’s ice,
a coiled serpent,
a woman’s bed-talk,
or a broken sword,
a bear’s play,
or a royal child,
a sick calf,
a self-willed thrall,
a flattering prophetess,
a corpse newly slain,
(a serene sky,
a laughing lord,
a barking dog,
and a harlot’s grief);
an early sown field
let no one trust,
nor prematurely in a son:
weather rules the field,
and wit the son,
each of which is doubtful;
a brother’s murderer,
though on the high road met,
a half-burnt house,
an over-swift horse,
(a horse is useless,
if a leg be broken),
no man is so confiding
as to trust any of these.

Such is the love of women,
who falsehood meditate,
as if one drove not rough-shod,
on slippery ice,
a spirited tw0-years old
and unbroken horse;
or as in a raging storm
a helmless ship is beaten;
or as if the halt were set to catch
a reindeer in the thawing fell.

Openly I now speak,
because I both sexes know:
unstable are men’s minds towards women;
‘tis then we speak most fair
when we most falsely think:
that deceives even the cautious

The mind only knows
what lies near the heart,
that alone is conscious of our affections.
No disease is worse
to a sensible man
than not to be content with himself.

That I experienced,
when in the reeds I sat,
awaiting my delight.
Body and soul to me
was that discreet maiden:
nevertheless I posses her not.

Many a fair maiden,
when rightly known,
towards men is fickle:
that I experienced,
when that discreet maiden I
strove to seduce:
contumely of every kind
that wily girl
heaped upon me;
nor of that damsel gained I aught.

113. Of runes I heard discourse,
and of things divine,
nor of graving them were they silent,
nor of sage counsels,
at the High One’s hall.
In the High One’s hall.
I thus heard say:

114. I counsel thee, Loddfafnir,
to take advise:
thou wilt profit if thou takest it.
Rise not a night,
unless to explore,
or art compelled to go out.

115. I counsel thee, Loddfafnir,
to take advice,
thou wilt profit if thou takest it.
In an enchantress’s embrace
thou mayest not sleep,
so that in her arms she clasp thee.

116. She will be the cause
that thou carest not
for Thing or prince’s words;
food thou wilt shun
and human joys;
sorrowful wilt thou go to sleep.

117. I counsel thee, etc.
Another’s wife
entice thou never
to secret converse.

118. I counsel thee, etc.
By fell or firth
if thou have to travel,
provide thee well with food.

119. I counsel thee, etc.
A bad man
let thou never
know thy misfortunes;
for from a bad man
thou never wilt obtain
a return for thy good will.

120. I saw mortally
wound a man
a wicked woman’s words;
a false tongue
caused his death,
and most unrighteously.

121. I counsel thee, etc.
If thou knowest thou has a friend,
whom thou well canst trust,
go oft to visit him;
for with brushwood overgrown,
and with high grass,
is the way that no one treads.

122. I counsel thee, etc. -
A good man attract to thee
in pleasant converse;
and salutary speech learn while thou livest.

123. I counsel thee, etc.
With thy friend
be thou never
first to quarrel.
Care gnaws the heart,
if thou to no one canst
thy whole mind disclose.

124. I counsel thee, etc.
Words thou never
shouldst exchange
with a witless fool;

125. for from an ill-conditioned man
thou wilt never get
a return for good;
but a good man will
bring thee favour
by his praise.

126. There is a mingling of affection,
where one can tell
another all his mind.
Everything is better
than being with the deceitful.
He is not another’s friend
who ever says as he says.

127. I counsel thee, etc.
Even in three words
quarrel not with a worse man:
often the better yields,
when the worse strikes.

128. I counsel thee, etc.
Be not a shoemaker,
nor a shaftmaker,
unless for thyself it be;
for a shoe if ill made,
or a shaft if crooked,
will call down evil on thee.

129. I counsel thee, etc.
Wherever of injury thou knowest,
regard that injury as thy own;
and give to thy foes no peace.

130. I counsel thee, etc.
Rejoiced at evil
be thou never;
but let good give thee pleasure.


131. I counsel thee, etc.
In a battle
look not up,
(like swine
the sons of men become)
that men may not fascinate thee.

132. If thou wilt induce a good woman
to pleasant converse,
thou must promise fair,
and hold to it;
no one turns from good if it can be got.

133. I enjoin thee to be wary,
but not over wary;
at drinking be thou most wary,
and with another’s wife;
and thirdly,
that thieves delude thee not.

134. With insult or derision
treat thou never
a guest or wayfarer,
they often little know,
who sit within,
or what race they are who come.

135. Vices and virtues
the sons of mortals bear
in their breasts mingled;
no one is so good
that no failing attends him,
nor so bad as to be good for nothing.

136. At a hoary speaker
laugh thou never;
often is good that which the aged utter,
oft from a shriveled hide
discreet words issue;
from those whose skin is pendent
and decked with scars,
and who go tottering among the vile.

137. I counsel thee, etc.
Rail not at a guest,
nor from thy gate thrust him;
treat well the indigent;
they will speak well of thee.

138. Strong is the bar
that must be raised
to admit all.
Do thou give a penny,
or they will call down on thee
every ill in thy limbs.

139. I counsel thee, etc.
Wherever thou beer drinkest,
invoke to thee the power of earth;
for earth is good against drink,
fire for distempers,
the oak for constipation,
a corn-ear for sorcery
a hall for domestic strife.
In bitter hates invoke the moon;
the biter for bite-injuries is good;
but runes against calamity;
fluid let earth absorb.



Wise, ancient words, some that should be common sense - in itself an oxymoron for it is anything but common - and others that have been written by other wisemen from other cultures, all testament to their verity.

Faaah!

Ahh, post-relationship clean-up! It is ever so much fun, you know. My day started late, what with some late night hydroponics and disecting of the light-tube and the pretty images espoused therein, I had a deep sleep the kind that veritably renders waking up a herculean task. Woke up with the grogginess of the late sleeper with time enough to shower my 1 year-old daughter, make myself a calorie and protein-rich breakfast shake and go through the watery motions myself. Off to work, where I sit now watching the company's assets on a lackluster day.

Introspection is a privilige and I so love partaking of it. How can growth come otherwise? Necessary though it certainly is, I cannot help but grow weary of this cycle. Somehow, I still have love for the game, for the more primordial part of the rat race, that bases on biology, but it invariably brings with it a plethora of inane processes and conditions which I'd much rather do without.

To wit! What have I learned from the death of this relationship? I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that I am not fit for the draconian institution of matrimony. I also know myself a lot better for it. Fire tempers good metal, I guess. I think I shall dwell on that a little later and opt instead to vent my disdain and mild frustration regarding the fact that, for all my cynical outlook on life I am still but tender whelp at heart, in a manner of speaking.

I'm going around in circles here!

Easy like Sunday Morning

The start of a new life, so to speak. The first days of the rest of my life. Catch phrases abound when it comes to poignant moments, but there is very little that can truly advise a person when one is standing at a crossroads in life. Whatever could be said has already been said ad nauseam and nothing new can be effectively brought to the table of life. The very nature of life is what makes it impossible to guide or seek guidance for the decisive moments therein, hence we are bound to the subjective view afforded by experience and judgement, tragically impaired though it may be.

I am leaving both a beautiful thing and a horrible state of being. Bitter-sweet melange trumped by the ennervation of triumph. I am free. My head is above water! I am free.


Easy
The Commodores

Know it sounds funny but I just can't stand the pain
Girl, I'm leaving you tomorrow
Seems to me girl you know I've done all I can
You see I begged, stole and I borrowed

Ooh, that's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning
That's why I'm easy
I'm easy like sunday morning

Why in the world would anybody put chains on me?
I've paid my dues to make it
Everybody wants me to be what they want me to be
And Im not happy when I try to fake it yeah

I wanna be high so high
I wanna be free to know the things I do are right
I wanna be free just me oh baby uh

What I have learned from the past year 2008

I am weak.

Or much weaker than I had hitherto thought. Some things must be done but I cannot but delay these actions, stay my hand, I hesitate for what might be lost to me. Wondering if things are retrievable still, mourning for what surely will be left behind. It is too much for one person to bear and yet it is what all persons do. I am so weak, but where can I draw stength from if I do not find it within myself?

My time is growing short and I am not indestructable.

That last bit some might find funny, but I assure you; I am not kidding. Though we all know at one level or another that we all fallible and fragile, I somehow felt, despite myriad injuries, that I was impervious to most of the illnesses that afflict all men. I now stand corrected. In the past year I've had my first couple of nervous breakdowns, was told I needed to destress or I would surely suffer a stroke or the like, and realized many of my old time annoying medical conditions might be indicative of a greater illness within.


These two things I have learned as the things to correct from my former life. The positive shall be reviewed at a later time.